Need help to manage my own anger

[Guest2]

I need help.  Last night I got so furiously angry with my husband.  I wanted him to leave so that I would not say anything too bad or do anything too permanent.  Our young children were here.  I screamed at him that I was going to kill him and hit him with my fist.  Thank God he did not hit back but I think he was close.  The kids were in the other room and could not see but they could hear some.  I kept saying he should leave because I was so afraid of what I might do.  I went to the kitchen and was waving around a big knife.  I was so afraid I was going to stab him.  I think he thought I was just being dramatic.  Finally he left.  I don't even know why I was so angry.    He had put the little one in the bathtub with his clothes on because he was not willing to undress.  It made me furious, and now I can't tell why.  When the little one cries it just drives me crazy.  Normally I just do whatever he wants to cheer him up, or I put him in a room with a closed door so I can't hear.  I think there were some other upsetting things that happened early that day as well but none of them were that bad.  

This really frightened me and I don't know what to do.  My husband likes to sweep everything under the rug so he is not even going to act like anything happened unless I bring it up.   He came back a couple of hours later and just went ahead and did his chores and went to bed.  

I really think about leaving him a lot but the last time when I was really going to, he started cutting his arm.

We can't afford therapy.  I am afraid for the children, witnessing such a dysfunctional situation.  I think they mostly have a good life but not in terms of seeing a good marriage relationship.  

Maybe being on this board has not helped.  It has dredged up lots of stuff and I don't have any way to address it properly.  

I need to gain control of myself so that I am not a risk to my family.  I do not have any family around (probably a good thing) and no close friends (hubby saw to that).   I do not want to risk losing my children, and there is no reason I should because they are well taken care of.  We make too much money to get anything free but not enough to pay for it ourselves.  Is there a book or something I can read, or some practical advice?  This was the most frightening day I have had since I can remember.

[Anonymous]

Guest2,

I'm going to be honest with you: I don't think you can do it on your own. I think you need help desperately. There are therapists who work on a sliding scale. Go on the internet, do a search for therapists in your area. Get a referral from work. Get one from a physician. But get help. I know what it's like to have out-of-control anger and it's not something that one can fix alone. Sorry it wasn't what you wanted to hear. You get a lot of points for acknowledging you're out of control. That's half the battle. I think there are some serious problems with your husband, too, but I'm focusing on you since you're posting and he isn't.

bunny

[longtire]

Guest2, this is scary stuff. It is a big step for you to recognize your difficulty with anger and to seek help because you care about yourself and your family.  That's a huge step and congratulations on doing that.  It may not feel like something to celebrate to you right now, but that is a very hopeful sign.  I ditto everything bunny said, she is a wise and caring soul.  You might also look for therapy or counseling through local churches.  You usually do not have to be a member or even a Christian to get help from them.  They also may have provisions to help you pay for it as well.  I'm sorry, I don't have any specific book recommendations on anger, maybe someone else here will.  Keep posting here and let us know how things are going with you.

[dogbit]

Hello Guest 2,

The more frightened you are of your actions, the more scared you will be.  I've been there and done that.  If your husband is cutting himself, you have a situation where you have children but also an adult child, your husband, who is not a partner in helping to parent your kids. and is adding to your frustration and anxiety.  You have posted here and by doing so, you have shown that you want a healthy resolution to this problem.  When you say you don't even know why you are so angry, it tells me you need to talk to someone....maybe us.  Try us until you can find someone close to you.  I think you should acknowledge your anger but don't beat yourself up about it.  Just recognize that you have acknowledged to yourself the extreme situation you are in as you describe it and that acknowledgement is the first step to finding the answers.  You must be a great mother since your concerns all center around your children.  From what you describe your husband's actions to be, he is not actively participating in parenting which puts all the load on you?  Maybe you're feeling that you have to take care of your kids and your husband?  My hat's off to you for putting your kids first.    Please keep posting.  Vent all you want.  You are not alone.  take care....Bittles

[Guest2]

Thank you.  
It is so nice to be listened to.  I hear you.  It is unrealistic to think I can turn this around on my own and I cannot run the risk.   I realize now that in my life, I am almost never listened to.  And if I do find a friend, I have too much pent up to dump suddenly on a new friend.   I would scare them away.  I know I am abnormal, I just don't know how abnormal I am and how much I can open up.   I'm great at putting up a front.

I have been searching online for a therapist and I am going to try to talk with my husband about going.  If he will not go, I am going anyway, and I hope by now he can let me address these issues without doing his usual passive-aggressive sabotage.

When you wrote back to me, you did it from the goodness and caring in your heart.  Even though we have not met, I shared something painful and awful and ugly about myself and you responded with nurturing and a little push.  It is making me cry all over again.   I feel a little energy now to try to get some help.  Before I felt stuck.  I am so grateful.

[Guest2]

Thank you dogbit,
I will try to continue talking here although it makes me a little afraid of the pandora's box I am opening.  

I do not really understand cutting.  It is an attention-getting action?  My husband is jealous of the kids but has long ago given up on having my undivided attention.    Maybe I underestimate his resentment.   He takes care of the kids but I have to organize everything and just delegate to him like a minimum wage employee.  But from what I hear among my kids' friends' parents this is not totally unusual.  He used to complain a lot but has given that up.  Now he just walks about looking sullen, and sometimes he yells at the kids, so I have to take over.  Lately he sees that I am falling apart and has been a little more cooperative.  He is still pretty much passive-aggressive so I have given up on direct communication with him and just cut it back to the bare essentials.

He does say nice things about my parenting now and then, even when I have yelled at them sometimes and am feeling like a miserable parent.  

My six year old son sometimes hits his head with his hand when he is angry with himself.  I remember doing that when I was a child.  I am worried about him.

[jophil]

Hello Guest2 - the intensity and depth of your outbursts suggest a lot of accumulated anger. It may be ancient rage or maybe it is being triggered by recent events. A therapist is one person who may be able to help, however when weapons are at least handled ( if not used) then this matter assumes an urgency that should not be ignored..
 
I am also inclined to suggest that you look at the first three steps of the Al-Anon program at a nearby meeting . (That is Al-Anon not AA). The good ladies at that program will welcome you with empathy and support.
John.

[Portia]

Hi Guest 2, please do look for help as everyone else has suggested. I understand how frightening this kind of anger can be.

I know I am abnormal, I just don't know how abnormal I am and how much I can open up. I'm great at putting up a front.

I think you’ve already turned a major corner, made a big step, in admitting something ain’t right with you. Huge step! If it helps, I don’t think you’re crazy, not at all. There’s a load of garbage from your childhood that’s affecting your life today and it needs cleaning out. It’s a task, like any other. It can be done and you don’t have to do it alone, in fact, like so many things, you need an expert to help. With someone else helping you can feel less frightened and also treat this as something that needs to be done, like having a surgical operation.

If he will not go, I am going anyway, and I hope by now he can let me address these issues without doing his usual passive-aggressive sabotage.

This is about you and not him. Good for you for saying you’ll go without him. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or does about you doing this: how bad does it have to get before one of you does something? Better to get some help than have physical harm.

I do not really understand cutting. It is an attention-getting action?

No, it’s quite personal to the person who self-harms. But if I was you I’d think about myself right now and worry about his behaviours much later. You can address and change what you think, feel and how you behave: you can’t change what he thinks, feels or does.

Keep posting. We care. portia

[John]

Hi Guest 2

I want to ask you a question or 2 if that's okay?

Please let me say that when I read your post I really loved you. I loved your extremely intimate and personal raw honesty. I think you are a true human being.

You don't need to reply to me if you doin't want to.

Who are you really angry at? What happened?

What would you like to right?

I've already worked out that you don't want to hurt anybody. And least of all your kids. Give them big hugs and loving and everthing will be alright.

It'll be okay, Guest2. Even with what they've heard. Just determine to take out the time to think about who you're really angry at.
Is it you?
Your parent/s?
A previous a partner?
Your husband?

Things can be okay if you let them be. Some stuff is so hard to deal with at times. Self-soothing is a big lesson - well-earned.

It sounds like you have hubby issues. Is he okay with you? Is he faithful?
Is he understanding and helpful?

You have no personal support network? That isn't good.

I'm worrying for you, and hoping you're okay.

John

[Portia]

Hi again Guest 2, I’d like to follow up with John. I agree with what he says, you come across as a warm, real person with great honesty (do you know how rare that is?). It might help you too if I disclose a bit of me? Who knows, here goes….

Who are you really angry at?

This is such an important question. A few years ago me and my H were very drunk (no excuse but sets the scene). We were arguing and it got physical. I got a knife and had it close to his face. I don’t know what I intended, to make him back off, to take some control, to frighten him, maybe to hurt me if I couldn’t take any more words? It’s pretty shameful to remember. But in the shouting, in my raging, he shouted one thing back which stopped me completely: and it’s what John said above. Actually my H said: “These things you’re shouting at me, they’re not about me! Who are you shouting at?”. I didn’t know but I realised it was in my head and I needed to help me. After that, no more fights, because it wasn’t between us, it was with me. Ouch ouch. It’s not easy and I feel you are a brave woman Guest 2. I want to say: it gets better, it gets much, much better.

Thinking of you and hoping you’ll go easy on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hiya Guest2:

Wow!  How's the aftermath?  Do you feel drained?  Any relief from letting out some of the rage?  Or worse....more anger...maybe toward yourself for your actions?

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON ON EARTH WHO HAS EVER DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!!

Praise to you for your shear, utter and true honesty!
Good for you for looking at yourself, your behaviour, and realizing you need help!
Great that you came here and posted for support!!

I am proud of you so far, Guest2.  You are using your courage!!  Way to go!!

So......here I go.....how about a woman's shelter?? (I love women's shelters because they have so many resourses sometimes!).  They usually have counsellors available....at least someone objective to speak with.  That might help temporarily until you are able to find/afford a therapist.  Please call them if you are not able to get to a T right away.  They will support you and maybe guide you to further help.
They understand violence and it's effects on people.

(((((((((Guest2)))))))))

You're doing good!  You're facing hard stuff here and that is very, very brave!   You will deal with this!

Please hug yourself and soothe your pain some, in small ways...but giving yourself a little break.....by not beating yourself up any further.....by giving yourself credit for moving ahead and toward improvement and for having the courage to work for that!!

It sounds like you may need a little time for you?  Could you arrange for you to start something new.......a new class....join a group.....something to get you out of the house and around people?  Something to look forward to and to have a little fun?

GFN

[Anonymous]

Dear Portia:

It’s pretty shameful to remember.

((((((((Portia))))))))

You are very, very brave too and praise to you too for that honest gift to try to help another feel not quite so alone!!

You need not be ashamed any more.  That's done, over, gone and you've come a very, very long way from then.  Good for you P!!!  What a great example you are!!  What more could you do than that?  What more could anyone do?

Facing our shameful, inappropriate behaviour is scary and painful.  You and Guest2 have shown us all what real courage is!

GFN

[Anonymous]

GFN............       I wish there was an emoticon for 'calm, accepting smile'. Words on the screen, pixels and bits and bytes still have me with wet in da eyes, thank you. Who was it said the healthier you get, the more emotional you become? Chutzbagirl I think. She's correct I feel.

Guest 2 how are you? Hope you're okay. best, portia

[Newby]

It is great that you have identified your own anger issue.  You cannot change your husband or children; however, you can change how you respond and be responsible for your own actions.  I know you must be terribly frustrated; but, this is for your children.  When they feel insecure it will cause them to act up and misbehave.  The best thing you can do is be a source of security, consistency, and a safe refuge.  You will be sacrificing yourself for them.  Anger never solves anything but give the other person justification for treating you badly.  Take away all of the other persons excuses.  This may be very difficult as you probably have so much hate and anger for your husband.  It becomes an act of the will to actually affirm him and find some way to give him a compliment.  I know he doesn't deserve it; but, when was the last time your husband received a compliment from his wife?   The "crazy cycle" will continue until one of you chooses to take a step to stop it.  It sounds like it may have to be you because your husband may not be capable of it.  You may throw him completely off balance.

[dogbit]

I will try to continue talking here although it makes me a little afraid of the pandora's box I am opening.


I know what you mean.  It's sort of like "ringing the bell".  Once it has rung, there's no turning back.  It is an incredibly frightening feeling.  Even though we are in a bad situation, we at least know what the situation is.  And we keep thinking that if we are just smart enough or strong enough we can keep on going.  Once we have rung the bell, we don't know what will happen.  That fear will keep us in the same place.  I think your anger is the bell ringing and not an indictment of who you are.  Your anger may represent the bottom line of what is going on.  The anger may be a blessing causing you to finally find out what is really going on.  I don't think the anger is who you really are.  I think if you keep posting here, it will give you a venue to talk about what is going on until you find someone near you (a.k.a. therapist or concerned other) to help you define the  problem.  From what you have written, your concern for your children sounds like you are already going in the right direction.  Don't beat yourself up too badly in the meantime.  Having young children is a job in itself.  Combining that with trying to figure out the dynamics of a relationship is an extra job but well worth the effort.  I hope you keep posting!  Pandora's box let out the bad spirits but let's just suppose it can let out the good.   Bittles