Need help to manage my own anger

[dogbit]

I am afraid of losing my kids.

I was scared of the same thing when my kids were little and my husband just didn't participate.  Actually, he didn't come home much.  Said he was a workaholic but I think he just couldn't deal with the home situation.  I became angry and angrier and kept trying to hold it together and then I started getting help.  Nobody took my kids away!  Forgive me, but your husband sounds like he is just renting a room in your house.  By the way, there is also pastoral counseling available in some areas and calling a crisis hotline can leave you anonymous and be able to get some references.  Hang in there!  I've had my own meltdowns and my kids delight in reminiscing about them although at the time, it wasn't amusing.  Bittles

[guest2]

My husband is performing an essential function in this house.  He is the recipient of my anger.  I cannot channel my rage towards my innocent children.  He is like a release valve where I send the force of my hate.

It is so not fair.  Yes, he does things to make that happen, to make me more angry than I ever would have been.  Still it is not right.  But if he were not here, where would all my ugliness go?  Where else?  So his presence is important if for no other reason than to save my kids.

At least my kids are learning that life after a meltdown goes on.
And they feel free to say they don't like me because I threw daddy out.  I explained to the oldest one that I was so angry I was afraid I was going to do the wrong thing, like hit daddy, andI just needed to cool off.  Actually I think a good lesson came from it.  But overall it was not a good thing.

[Guest2]

Forgive me, but your husband sounds like he is just renting a room in your house.

You are right in a way.  I tell him often I feel like I'm alone.  I don't know who he is and he does not want to know who I am.  I just make the agenda and he follows the family plan.  He is here because I make a big deal if he is not. But is he really here?

[P]

Hiya Guest2, who knows where a moment or two on the net may lead? When you want to think about something completely different, here are those sites….take care, Portia

My favourite quick and simple personality test http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp it changed my outlook on life. It may not for you, but hey, it’s free.

about Myers Briggs http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/tt/t-articl/mb-simpl.htm

about anger http://www.mtoomey.com/violating_liberating.html

I like this site http://www.healthyplace.com/site/tests/psychological.asp
But I could spend way too much time there, so I don’t. Much

now I’m just getting silly http://www.allthetests.com/ but what's wrong with silly I say? take a moment and do a daft test, a smile or laugh is free too

[Anonymous]

Hey again Guest2:

"The person you are may be seething with anger.....which probably needs to come out. Once it comes out......you will still be the same person, just feeling less angry. See what I mean? "

That is indeed logical. Until it comes out - how corroded are my insides going to get?

Yes it is fairly logical isn't it?  How corroded are you going to allow your insides to get?

How much more twisted are my thoughts going to be? How much more will I realize or remember?

Thoughts do not hurt anyone but the thinker (if they are not nice thoughts and even then.....some are a good release).

If you realize and remember more, it will be a good thing because that means it will be coming to the surface, rather than hiding way down deep.  

And when it comes out - who will be killed in the avalanche? This is the fear I have.

You can have an avalnache in a safe place, like a room with a pillow to punch and a teddy to hug or you can do it with the support of a therapist.
I suggest also trying a rape crisis centre.  They should be able to refer you to someone who will help.  This is not the end of the world.  It might seem like it but it isn't.  You can live through it and must ignor the fear, go ahead and try to work through all of your pain, imo.

I want a drug as insurance so I don't get all out of control again. I thought I had an old bottle of prozac...I'm going to search the house.

Please do not self medicate.  If you really think you need something, go to emerg or to your family doc but don't try to do it on your own.

Will try to get off my bum and stop wallowing in it now.

Thata a girl and by the way, you're not the only one who's ever wallowed!

"I'm not sure that you have to get rid of anything you're built of. I'm not sure that is even possible." Please let it be possible. I am built of being ignored and devalued and told in every way possible to shut up and disappear. I want to tear that down and give myself some niceness. Otherwise what I am is coming out onto my kids and they do not deserve it.

It is indeed true, not just possible.  What was ignored, devalued, told to shut up, disappear?  Do you remember that person?  What good qualities can you recall?  You are still she.

When you listen to me and give me caring advice and words, I am building a little part of myself back with that.

So glad it helps.  Please keep trying and posting and hoping.  No quitting and giving up, ok??

If I seek help and tell the truth, will I be seen as a menace to my children?

More likely, you'll be seen as a person who cares deeply enough about her children to seek help and become a better parent.  How about a parenting class?  Would you consider going?  Maybe your husband would too?  That would be a really great thing to do!  It won't hurt and it's really interesting to learn about different ideas of how to deal appropriately with children.  It will help both of you to focus on the kids, which is soo important, right?

Ok here goes.....I'm smart (no wait, I didn't figure out that my husband who cuts himself has problems), um ok I'm nice (hey wasn't that me waving a butcher knife at him) ok scratch that, ah, I can whistle!

 
This is self defeating.  Try again.  
Tell us about a good memory, if you like?
Or something you enjoyed/enjoy doing?
Are you a good friend?  Do you consider yourself a decent wife?  A good mother?  What do you like?

((((((Guest2))))))


I think your wrote in the "anything" thread that you will be starting therapy soon.  Yipeeeeeeeeee!!!  Wonderful!!!  Fantastic!!!  Way to go!!!

Now that's a big step!  Congratulations for taking it, for having the courage, for following through.

Another few good things about you........uses courage, moves past fear towards goal, whistles like a birdie!!  

(I seriously loved the show "Andy Griffith Show" for that whistling song at the beginning).

GFN

[Guest2]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for the ideas.  BTW that was not me who is starting therapy. (Maybe I should get a better sign-in name.)  I have not figured that one out yet.    In the 45 seconds I have to myself each day I am basically posting here (which has been enormously helpful. Thank you) or searching something to do with analyzing my situation.  So no champagne yet.

I don't think I need parenting classes.  Not because I am always doing the right thing, that is certain.  But because knowing that I did not want to parent the way I had been parented, I looked everywhere for better models, better philosophies, better examples.  I've read dozens of books, been to many talks.  I look for people who are doing wonderful things to kids and try to model their behavior.   Almost every day I hear a nice phrase that respects the child's self image or a nice way to express "no" or some such tidbit I can tuck into my repertoire.  Because I want to clear out any parenting ideas that come from my experience in my family.

My challenge is to implement all or most of the time what I know is right.  Whenever the background noise of my past gets too loud and my mental energy level too low, or something triggers me, I start to spout those old messages I heard over and over and over again.  Knowing how bad and wrong and destructive and mean they are but still being unable to keep it from spilling out.  This is happening much too often and lately the intensity is so great that it frightens me.  

Before the other day, I could always look back and pinpoint a moment of choice where I could have gone the right way but I chose the wrong way.  And by thinking it through and trying to practice the right way to approach and react, I was improving as a parent I thought.  But that day, I did not feel like I was really in control, or rather I felt like my control was hanging by a thread.  I felt like I was a hair away from doing something with lasting effects, with maybe no way to keep from doing what I could already foresee even at that moment was disastrous.   I know enough to apologize and explain to my kids, and I think that makes a difference, but I still think it would be way better to just clean out the basement.   I had been practicing my husband's way of dealing with things and thought that just pushing them back would make them disappear.  Thought it was kind of working.  Naturally, that was stupid beyond words.

I'm just a little concerned about where all the junk is going to end up.   Once you pull it all out, it's going to stay a mess for a while, right?  What if it all won't fit back in?  What if I don't find a way to dispose of it?  What if everyone sees my mess and I will become an outcast?   Is there room in my life for this mess?  No.  Can I somehow pull it out one piece at a time?  And retain control?  (Have I used the word control a lot in this post?)  I feel like I am holding this family together and I can't just flop down, unzip my zipper and pull all the stuffing out to be replaced with fresh, clean stuffing.  As much as I would like to do that.  I'm like Matt(?) in Yertle the Turtle.  If I fall down the whole stack will collapse.  I'm not doing a good job by any means, but it's better than nothing.  I cannot blame my husband for not being the one to step in (and believe me, that is a rare statement on my part).  He is a mess too.

Also, my kids need to see a good marriage relationship, as someone here pointed out.  That is one area I have limited means to observe.  That, you need to see up close, and seeing how people behave in public is not really helping with that, and to be honest, some of those self help books I think are way off base.

I thought I was gettting a partner who could provide that and he could teach me what a normal relationship was.  But it looks like that is not the case.  He just seems to go along with my dysfunctional or theoretical ideas about the relationship.  Because that is all I have to draw on.   I am wandering in the wilderness - why is he following me?  

I did one of the personality tests.  It was interesting.

Ok I read your admonition not to self medicate.  In any case, looking for the prozac is number 35 on my urgent list of things to do, so I have time to think about it.    

I find it very hard to plan anything fun for myself or write down good things for myself.  You might have noticed this when I made a joke of it.  When I even pre-think making such a list, each item gets shot down with a dozen buts and bad things.  So it is not a pleasant task.

If I try to plan something for myself, I end up thinking it is probably more stress-relieving to just take that time and do one of the overdue things on my list.

I know all your suggestions are good ones.  It is just going to take some time to implement.  I did actually say something nice to my husband.  

I've been in therapy before, briefly, and even if it is good I leave there feeling like I have peeled off a layer of my skin and maybe 2.   I did have some decent therapists but since I used to move a lot due to work, I have never had the same one for long.  Lately it is a logistical and financial issue.  When I was alone, the risk of falling apart was less.  Right now I have almost no time to myself.  I have to be functioning all the time.  I don't feel safe tearing down my personality to heal it back properly.  On the other hand, what is the alternative?  Just a sudden chernobyl?

[Anonymous]

Guest2 (I hope you come up with another name soon, maybe SOON would be a good other name ),

If you don't mind answering how old are your children and how old are you and your husband?  Are your children in any type of school during any part of the week?  Also do you work outside of the home?

You seem to have a good sense of humor, that has always helped me a lot.  I've been pretty mad at my husband a few times, never pulled a knife on him ...  I did a few times tell him he might as well get ready to take me to the funny farm ... also a few times I told him I was going to go sit outside or in our room for a few minutes ALONE.

I think contacting a woman's shelter to see what resources they can point you to is an excellent idea.  Plus just being able to come here and vent some is helpful.

LM (kind of a strange name, yes? At least it is recognizable and distinguishable ).

[mum]

((((((Guest 2)))))), I can hear your frustration and pain.  You are doing a really good job of recognizing and identifying what it is.  Do you realize how important that is?
It's ok not to know what to do about it at the moment.  But many people don't even look at what it is that hurts.  Those people will neve get better.  That you can say it, out loud, at least here, is HUGE.

I wish I could give you a magic bullet....pill....whatever.  Unfortunately...or wait a minute.....fortunately...it doesn't work that way.  Kind of like dieting.  The only kind that really works to "lose weight" is nothing special at all.. It's a lot of things, like eating a certain way, exercising enough and mostly, getting a mindset and thinking pattern and habit that supports that way of life.  It's a big salad of ingredients.

You will find a way to assemble the needed ingredients.....have faith.  Your INTENTION is sooooo powerful.  Focus on what that is.  Keep that intention always as your bottom line, your central focus.  It is a good one...a loving one.  Things will come to you.  
Phillip, on another thread, talks about the higher vibrations of positive intention/thought.  Lots of healers, spiritual teachers, etc., say that very thing in different ways (prayers, good thoughts, etc).  
That loving intention IS your higher vibration....stick with it.  The rest will come to you....don't focus on the negative spiral of duality (if I choose this, then this might happen, and then this might happen.....I know , I get stuck in that too).
Just stay focused on what you want....your good intention.  That's where it all starts...EVERYTHING! Forget about needing to have the METHOD or PATH to get there all figured out.  There is no "there" anyway.  It's the NOW, the "traveling" that life really is.
You can do this, guest2......you have the love, the power.  Relax, have faith that you can create what you want!!!!

[Anonymous]

I'm just a little concerned about where all the junk is going to end up.   Once you pull it all out, it's going to stay a mess for a while, right?  What if it all won't fit back in?  What if I don't find a way to dispose of it?  What if everyone sees my mess and I will become an outcast?   Is there room in my life for this mess?  No.  Can I somehow pull it out one piece at a time?  And retain control?  (Have I used the word control a lot in this post?)  I feel like I am holding this family together and I can't just flop down, unzip my zipper and pull all the stuffing out to be replaced with fresh, clean stuffing.  As much as I would like to do that.  I'm like Matt(?) in Yertle the Turtle.  If I fall down the whole stack will collapse.  I'm not doing a good job by any means, but it's better than nothing.  I cannot blame my husband for not being the one to step in (and believe me, that is a rare statement on my part).  He is a mess too.

This is what a relationship (as opposed to a few visits) with a therapist is all about. THEY ARE THE CONTAINER FOR ALL THE BAD STUFF AND THEY HOLD IT FOR YOU UNTIL IT BECOMES MANAGEABLE. But this only happens when you see the therapist regularly and develop a trusted relationship with them. And if you feel like you have been in surgery without anesthesia, TELL THE THERAPIST. They're supposed to help you with that!

I'm really, really hoping you will consider therapy. P.S. Taking anti-depressants is not self-medication. Self medicating refers to drinking, drugging in order to get high and escape.

bunny

[Formerly Guest2]

Thank you Mum and Bunny for hearing my fear and holding me.

[Anonymous]

Hiya Formerly Guest2:

My challenge is to implement all or most of the time what I know is right. Whenever the background noise of my past gets too loud and my mental energy level too low, or something triggers me, I start to spout those old messages I heard over and over and over again. Knowing how bad and wrong and destructive and mean they are but still being unable to keep it from spilling out. This is happening much too often and lately the intensity is so great that it frightens me.

This is exactly why it might be a good idea to attend a parenting class.  It's not because you don't know how to parent.  It's not because you need help parenting.  It's because you are a really good parent who wants to be even better.  It's because you want to focus on the kids, focus on learning more, focus on sharing the learning and the doing with your spouse, focus on the goal of teaching and loving your children.  It's in order to get your focus in place.  This may help to contain your less than desirable spillages, at least while you're around the children.   It might give the repetition of new messages needed to over ride the old ones of the past.  Just another way of looking at it.  Maybe this wouldn't help at all but I think it might because it gets you out of the house and focussed, together, on a goal and then, maybe at home later, you will be more inclined to support eachother and keep that focus....encourage eachother??  Your fear will fade as you take positive action.

No parent is perfect and your concern for your children shows clearly in your writing.  This is a good thing ...that concern.  Maybe it is possible to turn it into something even more productive than concern??

Anyway ofcourse you will decide if this makes sense to you or not.    It's not easy to find the time but it's something I doubt you'll regret, if you decide to find it.

I did not feel like I was really in control, or rather I felt like my control was hanging by a thread. I felt like I was a hair away from doing something with lasting effects, with maybe no way to keep from doing what I could already foresee even at that moment was disastrous.

If you are not in charge of your own actions, who is?
Sorry, Formerly Guest2, I don't mean to sound  weird but who's in charge of you?
If you don't manage your own anger, who will?

This may be frightening.  It may be very, very frustrating.  But the bottom line is........who else has that control?

The way to avoid distastrous episodes is to put the knife down and YOU walk away.  Then, be proud of yourself for doing so.  For not giving in to the urge to do distastrous stuff!!  Maybe walk around the block?  Rip up paper?  Do whatever it takes to stay in control of your own behaviour.

When you feel the frustration building.....that's maybe the best time to decide to do something differently.  Ask yourself:

"Is this life or death?  Can it wait?  Can I cool for 5 min?  Will anybody die if I take 5 minutes??"

Then go cool out some place.   Get a drink of water.  Breathe.   Think about something else, something better for a few minutes.  And again, reward yourself with good thoughts about what you're doing.  Give yourself credit for working on change.

Hope some of this helps.   ((((((((FG2)))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

My challenge is to implement all or most of the time what I know is right. Whenever the background noise of my past gets too loud and my mental energy level too low, or something triggers me, I start to spout those old messages I heard over and over and over again. Knowing how bad and wrong and destructive and mean they are but still being unable to keep it from spilling out. This is happening much too often and lately the intensity is so great that it frightens me.

I did not feel like I was really in control, or rather I felt like my control was hanging by a thread. I felt like I was a hair away from doing something with lasting effects, with maybe no way to keep from doing what I could already foresee even at that moment was disastrous.

[FormerlyGuest2]

Why Am I so Angry?

I am going to try to make a brief list.  I hope I have the courage to put it all in.

1. N mother who constantly criticizes, makes up stuff, didn't let me or help me grow up, and beat us with a belt until we bled.
2. Distant father, who kept me in the house all the time on our summer visits and told all his acquaintances that he had only one daughter, my sister.
3. Religious grandmother who told my mother I should never have been born.
4. Friend of a friend's boyfriend, who offered me a ride home from school and raped me.
5. Subsitute teacher at my high school, who raped me again.
6. First boyfriend, who lied to me for 5 years about his other girlfriend, as well as humiliated me by making out with other women at parties, etc.
7. First husband, who didn't even bother breaking up with his old girlfriends, and even brought one of them to our home when I was there, to have sex.  Also assaulted me sexually, and took my money to give to his girlfriend.
8. Sister, for milking my guilt about what she went through and taking advantage.
9. Myself, for being such a doormat.

I think I will end here, because these things happened before I consider myself grown up, even though I was in my early 20s at the end of this list.   Writing this, I realize that the things generating the rage all happened young and really got under my skin.  Since then it has not been all wonderful but it affects me a different way.  I feel more responsibility for things that happened to me as an adult, and have a much better way to get over it.

I think my first task has to be to address the rage.

Are you still reading all the way down here?

Thanks for listening,
Salamander girl, no make that Daisy...still looking for the perfect name!
Until then,
Formerly Guest 2

[Anonymous]

Good for you FG2!

Keep working on that list!  You don't have to put it here.  But do finish it for your own clarity.

Wow!  You sure have valid reasons for feeling so much anger!  Especially if you have not dealt with all of the feelings resulting from those events.  

I'm so very sorry for all you've been through.  I feel angry just reading it!!!  And I also feel a great sadness  for the little girl, the young girl enduring all of that.

Your childhood/teen years sounds heart breaking.  Everyone you should have been able to trust....hurt you.   That was so unfair!

Are you sure you won't consider calling a rape centre?  They will understand sooooo much of what you've been throught and will help you!

(((((((((FG2)))))))))

I'm proud of you for having the courage to write that list!

Hey!  How about this for a name:

"Spunky"

Also means:  Plucky

Spunky is defined as "spirited" and it's an informal synnonym for brave.  See plucky.

That's you, if you ask me!  I mean it!   You've been baring your soul since you first posted here and that takes quite some courage!!   What do you think?

GFN

[Anonymous]

Salamander girl?!?

Holy smokes what idiot gave you that idea for a name?
Whoever that fool was you probably shouldn't listen to him.

I like Daisy a lot better. Spunky is also great. Anything but salamander girl. Sorry for the amphibious suggestion. It sounded better in theory than practice. Besides its too long.

Sorry you have been through so much. That you are still here fighting for a little dignity and respect and that you are a warm and kind person shows how strong you are.
Maybe Spunky is a pretty darn good name. It sure fits.

((((((((Formerly Guest2)))))))

mudpup