Thank you Thank you Thank you

[RobG]

I was watching a documentary on TV in the Uk tonight, and the word narcistic was mentioned. Out of curiosity I looked it up on the web...then I found this forum.

I have been in a 'relationship' for nine months with a girlfriend (she is 42, I am 49) that I just could not figure out. At first it was selfishness maybe, stress maybe, alcohol?, I just could not put my finger on it. The goalposts kept moving. There was always aggression. She hates kids, never had any. She has a perfect home. She is never wrong. I always am. She accepts no blame for anything. Her world is perfect and only other people mess it up. Above all, no matter how bad things get, she never ever relinquishes control. Manipulation of people and events is a well rehearsed pastime.

This has been the worst 9 months of my life...and now I have found this site. What a godsend! The light has come on. Now I can make some serious decisons knowing that I am not going mad.

Even today was another saga. We spoke Sunday on the phone. When would 'I' like to meet her again?
Tuesday? I say
Ok she says.
I tell her that I don't like making plans as she always changes them. She denies this and gives me hell.
She rings Monday giving me loads of abuse because anyone else's boyfriend would have been over straight away to plug her TV in!
I said I would fix her TV, but that we had arranged for her to come to my house Tuesday?
During the day today (tues) she sends me two texts at work.
'I am feeling really weird, send me a sweet message'
I reply with' I am not playing these games'
She then sends 'How are you today?'
She then rings, and I tell her that I am cancelling the new carpets I was having fitted in my house (her suggestion to get them done)
She bursts into tears and starts ranting so I hung up.
I send her a text suggesting that I come to her house tonight to fix the Tv?
More calamity! No, she says, we should stick to the original plan.
Ok I say.
I get home from work and the phone rings. What does she say?
'I am confused about what is happening tonight, so what about if we cancel and you come to my house tomorrow and fix my tv?'
Ok..and this goes on and on and on.....day in, day out, morning till evening every day. I have tried finishing with her but cannot get rid of her. She is relentless, ruthless and selfish beyond anyone's understanding of the word.
She is seeing a shrink now, but for other reasons, I just pray that he picks up on the big 'N'!!

Thanks

Rob G

[Anonymous]

Welcome Rob:

You're in the right place here!  When I read your post, I felt like a yo-yo doing tricks.  
Do you feel like you're being yanked around, rolled all over the place, thrown in the air, twisted over yourself, bent backward and flipped in every direction before being reeled back in???  That's how I felt for you.

My advice......tell her it's over and stop responding to ALL of her communications.

Save yourself a whole batch of agrivation and confusion and deep pain.  Do it Rob!

She's not changing any time soon.   She's going to keep this up until you break appart and your strings get all tangled up with hers.

Don't let that happen.   You can calmly disconnect from her now and let her untangle her own knots.  Fix her own tv.  Send her own sweet messages.  Rant and weep to her own doc.

These behaviours of hers will make you crazy if this continues.

Get an answering machine and don't answer the phone.
Ignor all text messages and emails.
Turn your cell off, if you have to.

Cut the line, Rob, and run for the hills!

GFN

[RobG]

Thanks for the response. I know that is what I need to do, I just need to put everything in place so that I can achieve it. I am only too well aware that her manipulation is an art form. I just have to make sure that she can't do me any damage.

She is currently on 'probation' with me though I don't think she fully understands that. The big 'N' is totally delusional.

I wish I could speak to her therapist to see if he has identified the behaviours. I would also love his advice on whether there is a cure, or whether to walk away. It would make things so much easier for me.

Maybe I am just a coward. Maybe she has gotten to me more than I realise? Maybe its the thought that I am throwing away nine months of my life? Hope is a powerful drug, and maybe that is the carrot that she is dangling before my subconscious?

Thanks again, time will tell.

Rob G

[Newby]

RUUUUNNNNNN!  Go as quick as you can as fast as you can.  I know you responded to my post and it is good you found this.  You are lucky that your's was unable to hide her crap until you really got sucked in.  Mine hid her's for 5 years until we got married.  I believe the difference is that mine is borderline personality disorder BPD and your's is just classic N. I think someone has been looking out for you and sent you the warning.  Don't miss the warning!  This lady is nuts and will make your life a living hell.  There is no cure for the N however, there is hope for the BPD if they seek it.  Good luck.

[longtire]

Hi RobG, welcome!  I'm not sure I agree with Newby, though he's fully entitled to his opinion, and I will validate him having it all day long!  From your description, it sounds to me like your GF has some strong Borderline PD issues as well.  These things usually don't occur in isolation and it seems like there is often either a combination or just too hard to tell between NPD and BPD.  I believe that my wife has BPD with some NPD traits.  She doesn't rage, but gets very passive-aggressive and has deep, deep denial of most of what she said or did.  The most anger she has ever shown me was when I had the nerve to point out that she wasn't actually perfect, just a flawed human being like me and wasn't that great to be?!?!?  You might check out "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Mason & Kreger for more information on BPD if you are interested.

If you can, wait and get everything in place before you leave or kick her out of your life.  Tell friends and family ahead of time (assuming they won't tell her).  If you can't wait, then do what you have to do.  The important thing is to take care of yourself throughout, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, etc.  That is your one primary job in life anyway.

[Brigid]

Rob,
I would say that you should cut the cord as quickly and completely as possible.  9 months is nothing in the total scheme of things.  Most of us have years that we put in with our N spouses (22 in my case) only to have it end in devastation.  It has taken me 21 more months of weekly therapy to be on the road to recovery.

Her therapist would not give you any information about a diagnosis, even if you could talk to him/her.  If she is truly an N, the prognosis is very poor and most of them never stay in therapy long enough to find healing.

You need to ask yourself why you are delaying the separation.  What is it that you need to put in place?  Are these just excuses to not leave?  She has sent up a ton of red flags for you to see and evaluate.  Don't ignore them in the hope that you can change her.  You CAN'T!!!  

I wish you well.

Brigid

[jophil]

This may sound overly dramatic to you, but those of us who have been raised/harrassed/hounded/pursued/abused by the "NPD people" are mostly aware of how ruthless and compulsively abusive their behavior can become when they are frustrated. They really believe that your life belongs to them to use as they see fit. If or when you cut the cord, expect that she will get explosively nasty. I had a girlfriend about 10 years ago who was mild/moderate NPD and when I walked away she hounded and badgered me for 18 months. I eventually went to the cops and got a restraining order. That stopped her in her tracks. Be willing to go down this route sooner than I did. I was afraid to answer my phone for all that time -she never let up on me. I used to think that I could 'negotiate' the peace with her. It never worked out that way- she is NPD. There is NO talking to these people in the same way that you cannot negotiate with a tumor.
That was my experience...John.

[Anonymous]

Welcome Rob.

Sounds like you are in the midst of hatching a good exit plan from your psycho girlfriend.  Good luck with it.

At the very minimum she is a demanding biotch.  You deseve better.
Get to stepping, boy!

Best wishes.
Mia

[mum]

Hey, Rob.  I'll chime into the chorus.  Please consider leaving this mess.  
Love is NOT like this.  I believed the lie about love for so long: that it was difficult, that it was HARD WORK, that struggle and lack of trust and lies were part and parcel of the "love" package.  BULLS**T!!! (excuse me, please).  I just feel so strongly that we miss out on true love because we are spending all our time and energy trying to mold those who CANNOT love into something loveable....and loving.  And it doesn't work and we get dragged down into the black abyss with them.

LOVE is not pain.  Love is not fear.  Love is none of those things you described.  You, and everyone, deserves better.

[Newby]

Longtire,
I believe you are right that I have given more opinion than my lack of experience warrants.  This is just so devastating that I hate to see anyone spend valuable time with people that may ultimately do them great harm.  I guess it isn't fair to judge people who may just have some minor fixable issues.  I believe my experience is so fresh that it has actually made me paranoid.  I will probably refrain from making comments and just sit on the sidelines for support with my own issues.

[longtire]

Newby, don't think that I am some expert or anything just because I happened to stumble on this place already when you started posting. It was certainly not my intention or suggestion to have you stop posting.  Totally opposite actually.  I say you should keep posting even if you are totally wrong!  That's the best way to shake out new ideas and try new things.  Besides, I didn't say you were wrong, just that I have a different viewpoint.  To be honest, niether one of us has met or even talked with the woman in question.  Therapists are smart enough to realize they can't diagnose someone that way.  I just haven't caught up to them yet.  

[RobG]

Well it's thanks to this forum, I now have the courage and the knowledge to fight back.
No more being the perpetual aplologist.
No more the endlessly tolerant.
No more the running to her.
No more accepting cancelled plans and agreements.
No more feeling horribly guilty.

I managed to escape her for the past 4 days, and she is trying every trick in the book to manipulate me back into her arms. I keep re-reading the threads, it helps me a great deal. I have told my brother what I am up against, and its a whole lot more than I can type in here, he works in the care industry. He just said 'hell, you are in a very difficult position'.

Explaining a break up to friends will be very difficult, no one will understand the torment I have gone through, and very few people know what 'N' is. I just hope that they trust my judgement, and understand that I am doing what I am doing for honourable reasons.

If this forum didn't exist I would have probably gone on forever in this hell hole, but thanks to you guys I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. She thinks that she is holding the light, but she is at the wrong end of the tunnel. I am going the other way regardless!

Thanks!!

RobG

[Anonymous]

RobG

Stay strong. You have a very healthy attitude.

Best wishes
Mia

[OR]

Rob, the light at the end of the tunnel could be an on coming train.

Keep running as fast as you can.

OR

[Anonymous]

Hi Rob:

You're doing it!  Keep going!!

You don't have to explain the "breakup" to anyone.
You can just say: "It didn't work out", if you want to.

This is complex personal stuff and you don't have to share it, or bother trying to explain, or deal with other people's reactions... at all.  Anyone who pries can be told that you'd rather not talk about it, or it's personal.

You have a right to your personal space, your boundaries and to feel safe in it/them.   Keep your energy for yourself for now.   You can always explain stuff later, if you feel like it.

GFN