Acappella,
I guess I should feel lucky to not have married my xN. I have had enough problems with this relationship ending without throwing all of the legal stuff in there along with the mental stuff. Married or not married to a N is about like comparing being bitten by a Tarantula or a Black Widow spider.
Either way they are both nasty and they both have the capability of poisoning you with their venum. It is no wonder you are feeling drained. Do you realise how much energy it takes to fight with someone? Your body is actually in the "fight or flight mode". It is not only physically harmful it is emotionally traumatic.
I won't even try to sit here and convince you that I am gliding through all of this. I wasn't even married to the man but I still feel like I have the ball and chain around my ankle from the relationship. I have had a couple of legal issues with him despite never marrying him. All I can think of is ending this once and for all with him so no contact can be put in place.
I guess I wanted you to know that even if your husband was not N and you were divorcing, some of the thoughts and feelings you are having now would still be there. I have been married before to a "normal" man. We just grew apart and we both decided to end it. We did so in a civil manner and we always, always put our children's thougths first during our marriage and while we divorced. I had many of the same feelings you expressed during my divorce.
It is normal to feel like you have failed. My gosh, you stood in front of God himself, your aunt Mavis, Uncle Franko, and all the fam damily and you pledged to love this man for ever and ever, took him for richer or for poorer, vowed to stay with him for better or for worse. Well babe, remember he also took those same vows. He did not mean a word he said that day IMHO. How much can a person take before they turn to stone? You had every intention in living by your vows. N are not capable of one darn thing he pledged to you.
I can say through my court proceedings with *@#%!!, just playing their game sets them back. I have literally watched him pause when I come right at him with proof of his lies. The post that Allan listed to you is wonderful and by gosh I promise you that when I practiced it to his face, he coward down. Read that post and fake it until you make it.
I wish it was a year from now so that all of our pain would have deminished. I began getting my Christmas stuff out and the first box I opened up was the one box I wanted to avoid. My past two years haunt me in my thoughts and my dreams. Every thing I see, every thing I dream of centers around the memories of this man. I can not help but love him and I always will. But I also know what I am dealing with when I deal with the likes of him.
When you duke with the big dogs you have to duke with all of your might. It hurts Acappella, hurts like hell to have to act as hateful as him. But I want to tell you, I would rather sink down to his level then to allow him to continue sucker punching me. I will get down in the trenches if I have to. I have learned to think differently when I deal with him.
I hope you can get down and dirty with the best of um. They will most likely whoop ya emotionally if you dont. As far as your financial situation. I would do what you feel is needed. If you try your hardest to begin to catch up and you just feel like a hamster running on a wheel, then file BK hun. You just have to know when you have reached your limit and ya just have to know when to walk away. If you feel you have tried your hardest with your husband and you feel nothing will ever change, then you gave it your all and what more could you have done? Same with your financial situation. Give it your all and when your all just doesn't cut it, give yourself a break and forfeit the fight.
It truly does not make a person a bad person when they fail. It has made me stronger throughout my life. I have failed with many things but I have always known to pick myself up by the seat of my pants, wipe my fanny off and move full steam ahead. Failure is a temporary life crisis. Narcissism is a permanent one. I knew I would fail myself if I did not get out that situation. My feelings are temporary because of our relationship failing. I bet ya a bizillion bucks that if I looked him up in 10yrs, he would be in the same miserable place in his life, and I can damn sure promise you that I will be no where near my current status.
I failed myself when I chose to stay. You are not failing yourself Acappella. You are leaving. You may not have a million bucks in your pocket, heck you might not even have 100 bucks in your pocket. But my goodness you are going to be emotionally free. If you had money and were married to a N, do you think it would be any easier? Nah, that would just give them one more thing to hang over your head.
Take your $61.97 in your purse that you have (psst, I just went shopping, thats how much I have left, thought I would just use that figure for chits and giggles), and run like the wind out the door. After all $61.97 isn't to shabby for the price of freedom.
Write yourself a list of to do's and not to do's. If you feel overwhelmed emotionally, pull your list out and take a quick gander at it and move full steam ahead. Heck just think in 6 months you'll be just as well off as I am. You can then begin to heal the damage done by this man. It is slowly but surely happening. You just stay strong and look on the bright side of this. If it were not for storms, we would never have the privalege of seeing a rainbow. It will make you a stronger person in one way or another. You can dust your fanny off after you pick yourself up by the seat of your pants and one day you will be able to avoid looking back.
Its gonna be hard but what are the alternatives? Put yourself first and refuse to believe when he tries to convince you that youre being selfish. Hum, how many times have you heard this one? I always heard how selfish I was when I tried to leave. Well ya know what? Call me selfish then if it makes ya feel better. I call it survival.
