I have a drama

[longtire]

Hi bunny, sorry to hear that you had such an eventful day or two.   You sounded better in your last post, though.  Panic attacks are not fun at all. Now *I'm* curious to know what you had such a strong reaction to from this situation.  I couldn't even guess.  I hope you feel better and realize that there was no harm, no foul.  Nobody got hurt (despite his immature feelings).

(((((((bunny)))))))

[mum]

wow, step away from home a few hours and I miss everything!!  Bunny, you really are amazing. Just when I think you might be perfect.....(just kidding).  It's funny what gets to us.  I'm not sure why you think your curiosity or tendency to want to help/save is a problem...unless, like me, your best features can be your worst at times.
Glad you are feeling better.

On the voyeristic side of things, I googled and old bf and found LOADS on the guy!  Yup....he's got the world by the tail AND people can't stand him (had as many negative articles/editorials about him as what he's up to!!).  Glad I missed that Nadventure!!!!

You are a nice person, that's all.  Something triggered you. Spend time figuring it out  if you want to, or don't..... probably nothing too strange, really.

[Portia]

Hiya Bunny, I just picked myself up off the floor, my reaction. No advice - okay. I wonder what kind of advice you might imagine? Critical advice? “Get a grip” advice? My curiosity factor goes off the scale. I’ll try and control myself.

What advice would you have given yourself on post one? I like that idea. (Is this advice?)

Meltdown. Did anyone in your life notice? Did you show signs to those around you? Meltdown for me would be crying a lot, staying off work, probably a bit of violence (chucking stuff maybe), maybe some fast driving…oh dear.

Or maybe a quiet meltdown, staying in bed until 6pm for a few days, not being able to see the point in washing or eating, watching drivel on tv. Staring at the table, not thinking.

No advice. No gush. But can I say just one eensy weensy little thing? Please?

Bunny: suddenly you’re REAL to me, suddenly you’re HUMAN and I really, really, really, really like it. I like this Bunny! Why?

I was scared of Bunny before. All the time scared of you. I’m still a little scared but I can work on that. Now I can respect you instead. Fear precludes respect.

Damn. Like my step-dad.

Whoah let’s leave that to one side for a momento and do some more. Quick, divert.

GFN said:

making you wonder if he might have changed? Might not be the loser he was back then?

I say: loser!

I should join the other passengers leaving the sinking ship.

'Okay, see ya!' I know I know, if it was me, I’d be on the phone, I’d be in there with a blunt, tactless scalpel, trying to help. It’s too easy to see clearly when it’s not happening to you; it’s way too difficult when it is you in the picture.  

He replied that it was very nice of me and that his life was now all messed up, just like in 1976. But that he wouldn't talk about it and I should join the other passengers leaving the sinking ship. Needless to say, this triggered all of my rescue/codep stuff and I was DYING to know what his situation was.

This isn’t advice okay? I’m still scared enough not to offer you something you say you don’t want. This is one of my alternative opinions on what you’ve written above. I don’t think it’s rescue/codep stuff. Yeah and I’m a qualified psycho-(haha fill in your own ending!). I think you’re dying to know about you, not about him. That’s my killer sentence! I think you’ll hate it, dismiss it.

And someone like that from your past, that’s maybe a good way of finding out about yourself. I have made one feeble effort to contact a bloke from 20 years ago who will possibly let me find out something about myself, but I’m chicken about doing it. I need to find him. I need to know what I was like then. I need to say ‘sorry’. But most of all, I think it will help me make sense of where I’ve been since, for 20 years. And it scares me. I treated him badly and vice-versa but I guess, maybe, I want to confront who I was, if that makes sense. That’s me. Nothing to do with you and this loser from 29 years ago.

Daylily - Stop making sense – Talking Heads? Excellent!

For me, Joy Division - Love will tear us apart

[Portia]

That last post was truly difficult for me to write. I don't know if it shows, so I'm saying it. Now I have to exit, fast. Bye for now.

[Anonymous]

Hi all:

Ever go back, read one of your posts, and think:

"I wish I'd worded that differently"  ??

Here's me, correcting my own post, after the fact, too late but what the heck eh?

I wrote:

No, you don't like what you did.............  You don't really believe this about yourself.

I have no idea what you don't like or what you believe.   This, according to Patricia Evans, is backward speaking....attempting a backward connection.  Sorry Bunny.  I wasn't paying enough attention to my words and only caught this now.

Wish I'd written:

"No, Bunny.  Please don't think that.  Maybe you don't like what you did?.........  You don't really believe this about yourself, do you?"

That seems a little better, a little less defining.  My intention was to help you stop this train of thinking, if possible because these thoughts make us feel worse.

(By the way....the rest of the stuff, the stuff where the little dots are, still stands, imo).

Thinking of you and hoping you're feeling much better today Bunny.

GFN

[mum]

Brave post, Portia.  I get it.

[write]

I didn't write anything that bad, just said I would like to know what led him to look me up after 30 years. I hate being curious and needing to know stuff about people. I'm such a voyeur. Not only that, but this guy is obviously a loser. I knew that in 1976! I should be shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Whatever." Instead I'm falling apart.


I think anyone would be curious as to why they were being looked up so many years after the event. I did many crazy things when I was younger ( esp before I realised I was bipolar ) and all I can say now is- they happened, they made me who I am. Where I could I've made amends, but sometimes you can't. We have to let it go sometime.

And he is being a little weak if he is blaming a teen romance of thirty years ago on his situation now.

I'd probably have replied too and asked ( or answered ) some questions, but I think you're right to try & keep it light. You're not responsible for him. Even if you felt you owed him an apology or explanation- it doesn't have to lead to a deeper relationship.

He's doing what we all do from time to time- trying to go back to change the present. But that's not possible. He can only go forward or wallow in this some more. But it's not your fault or your problem.

This caretaking stuff takes time to unlearn, to unprogramme that mode. You seem really self-aware to me. I know it's frustrating, hang in there.

Take care of yourself, don't beat yourself up over the past. Over anything really. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Anonymous]

((bunny))

I'm sorry that this blast from the past is causing you so much distress.

While you are getting down to the seventies music try to focus on the good memories from your youth.  As your moving to the grove...shake off all the negative energy you are feeling right now.

Corny? Yeah, I can be.  

best wishes
Mia

[cosmic guy]

bunny,

seems like a bit of that
having been programmed
to take on guilt thing
that narcissists are so adept at
conditioning others so...
whilst the narcissist readily is not guilty
or supposedly admits to it
and apologizes and dumps the being forgiven
onto the other

hard to kick that conditioning huh
especially trying to be careful
not to throw out the baby with the bath water

goin overboard in over reaction to quiveringness
coming from past narcissistic onslaughts

[October]

I'm not sure why you think your curiosity or tendency to want to help/save is a problem...unless, like me, your best features can be your worst at times.
Glad you are feeling better.

My ex used to use what ought to be complimentary comments about me, and twist them with nasty intonation and sneering into criticisms.  I suspect that many abusive people do this.  They can't cope with meeting genuinely, really nice people.  We have to be the bad ones, or insincere, or hypocritical, or else they lose their perfect status.

The result can be that we hear their nasty sneering voices in our ears, calling us; 'Little Miss Perfect' or similar every time we genuinely try to be helpful or considerate to others.  In the end we learn to doubt ourselves, and lose the ability to be objective about our own good qualities.  

[cosmic cayce]

Think on This ...
. . to meet the disturbing factors with as much joyousness as if they were bringing pleasure in the material sight, will alter . . . much in the heart and mind of the seeker. For that which is is a result of the thinking of individuals as related one to another.

Edgar Cayce Reading 610-1

[October]

And someone like that from your past, that’s maybe a good way of finding out about yourself. I have made one feeble effort to contact a bloke from 20 years ago who will possibly let me find out something about myself, but I’m chicken about doing it. I need to find him. I need to know what I was like then. I need to say ‘sorry’. But most of all, I think it will help me make sense of where I’ve been since, for 20 years. And it scares me. I treated him badly and vice-versa but I guess, maybe, I want to confront who I was, if that makes sense. That’s me. Nothing to do with you and this loser from 29 years ago.

Ok.  Confession time.  Last year I emailed a man I knew 20 years ago, when we were both students at University.  We both liked one another, but somehow it never happened.  He went his way, I went mine.

We managed about 2 emails each, before he went very strange on me.  He said he had divorced, but was happy with a new relationship, and I said how pleased I was.  I said could he send some pictures some time, and I would send some of me and my daughter.  At this point he got very prickly, and said, I am not sending you pictures of my girlfriend.  I am blushing as I write this.  The way he wrote it made me feel like a voyeur of some kind, like a stalker in his life.         I just meant innocent pictures, and it was his choice.  But not even just not sending them, but making me feel bad about asking.    

So I wrote him an email to explain why.  I told him about an incident  many years ago (31 October 1981 - he wrote me a poem with the date on.  Long thrown out now.   ), when he visited my flat in a drunken state.  He had had a row with his girlfriend, mainly because he was still in love with an old flame.  During the evening he had asked me to marry him, and I had declined to answer, because he was drunk (although I did love him   ).  We had then gone for a walk in the dark, and he had passed out, and I had to get the police to bring him home.  They wanted to put him in the cells, but I talked them into letting me have him at my flat, where I looked after him all night.  In the morning he had forgotten the conversation of the night before, and I was too honourable or whatever the word is to remind him of it.  So he went back to his girlfriend.  Later he married her and I sent them a wedding present.

So, all those years later, out of curiosity, and thinking perhaps now we can be civil to one another, I got in touch.  However, it took no time at all before, as I said, he suspected me of something weird which is not in me, but in him.  I told him the whole truth of that night many  years ago, and explained that is the reason why I have never forgotten him, and always wished him well.  He replied, but I was sensible enough to delete without reading.  If it was nice, I didn't want to know.  If not, well, best not read it.  And knowing what he was then, and seeing how he had reacted now, I did not expect a nice reply.

So we all find these ghosts from time to time.  I was too ashamed to admit being the other person in Bunny's story before.  But I was.    

Mea culpa.

[October]

Think on This ...
. . to meet the disturbing factors with as much joyousness as if they were bringing pleasure in the material sight, will alter . . . much in the heart and mind of the seeker.

This might be ok when dealing with humans, but not Ns.  With Ns I think a nice dose of honesty is preferable.  I am not about to feel joyful when confronted with bare faced lies calculated to destroy my spirit.  

[Portia]

(((((October))))) I'm sighing heavily after reading your story, you are so courageous to post it and deleting that email from him? I think that was brave too. I'd find that very difficult. Well, I just want to say, thank you for posting. It's helping me too, and my 20 years...I'm still thinking it through, which isn't feeling it through, but it takes time I guess..

Serious stuff being talked about, I value that so much, and with great honesty too. I'm in danger of getting slushy. Or maybe that's the glass of red? Nope. Not this time.

Hey October, I called your cousin miss perfect, but let's be truthful, it sometimes applies eh? It did to her, infuriating woman. I can't believe anyone would say that to you though. You're more real than she'll ever be.

Signing off for the evening, bye for now all.

[cosmic cayce2 october]

well in another thread
i had put...
b angry and sin not
Guest





 Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2005 4:21 pm    Post subject:    

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
methinks
there be such a thing as righteous anger
and it relates to
be slow to anger
and
be angry and sin not

and to this too
Think on This ...
. . to meet the disturbing factors with as much joyousness as if they were bringing pleasure in the material sight, will alter . . . much in the heart and mind of the seeker. For that which is is a result of the thinking of individuals as related one to another.

Edgar Cayce Reading 610-1
END OF THAT PASTE QUOTE FROM ME IN ANOTHER THREAD

NOW NOW OCTOBER MAKING N OUT TO BE INHUMAN
AND IN A WAY THEY HAVE WON MAYBE
PASTING FROM YOUR POST
This might be ok when dealing with humans, but not Ns. With Ns I think a nice dose of honesty is preferable. I am not about to feel joyful when confronted with bare faced lies calculated to destroy my spirit.
PERHAPS THIS MIGHT FIT IN
EDGAR CAYCE A PSYCHIC SAID
JESUS AFTER DULY PREPARING HIMSELF IN DEEP PRAYER
AND MEDITAION
AFTER HE WAS SCOURGED AND
WAS THEN CARRYING HIS CROSS
THO IN GREAT PAIN HE WOULD SMILE
TO SOME TO BRING THEM COMFORT
SO PERHAPS AFTER CHASING OUT THE MONEY CHANGERS
..ONE SHOULD NOT OVER INDULGE
IN THE SENSE OF RELEASE BUT STILL
AS ONE OF THE DISCIPLES SAID
QUOTING FROM ISAIAH
ZEAL FOR MY FATHER'S HOUSE SHALL CONSUME ME...

BUT ON THE Q
IS THAT THE EXPRESSION
IN SOME WAYS I THINK CAYCE
DOES NOT EXPLAIN AS MUCH AS PERHAPS HE SHOULD
ABOUT RIGHTEOUS ANGER
AND LUKE 17:3
IF YOUR BROTHER SINS AGAINST YOU, REBUKE HIM
AND WHEN HE REPENTS FORGIVE HIM..
now does this mean tricky possible sociopathic
apologies that seem to be to set the person
up unfairly for future abuse..
ah to have the wisdom and discernment of the holy spirit
that teaches all things