At last I see that I have been the scape goat in my family. I was a painfully shy, shame filled, sad little thing because of what had happened to me. I suffered mercury poisoning from 'teething powders' and was in hospital for six weeks, where I believe I was emotionally damaged through being 'abandoned' and left to cry all day, then my mother (who is mildly schizophrenic) rejected me because I cried all of the time at home afterwards, due to the effects of the mercury. At six an uncle came along and picked me out of all the nieces to take advantage of my voiclessness and sexually abused me.
I grew up with others telling me what I was, as they tried to explain away my unhappiness, being an embarrassment and a betrayal of the happy family image.
I was nobody's child and grew up in utter confusion and despair.
36 years of abusive men followed who gave me no respect.
My family still tell me what I am. They tell me that the ME I say I have is either made up for attention or an exageration. They do not think that they should offer me support or help even though I have spent my life helping and supporting them.
I know that I have avoided intimacy, and have stuffed my feelings down all of my life. I know that I have indulged in compulsive behaviours like compulsive caretaking of others, compulsive independence, compulsive eating and fear of being left alone.
But now a veil has been lifted and the compulsive behaviours have vanished overnight. I did not have to work out bounderies as they have just appreared.
I am keeping my family at arms length but speaking to them on the telephone if they ring. I am protecting myself now by not disclosing things to them that I wish to keep to myself, like, I am no longer looking for love and acceptance from them. I have found me at last after a year on my own, and a couple of healthy budding friendships who are showing me the respect I have never known.
I feel that I am being built up day by day, and the change is happening quickly. I no longer care what my family think of me. I have stepped outside of their dysfunction.
The light at the end of the tunnel is coming closer, and gathering speed.
The good life is within my grasp.
I do not feel angry with my family, just sad. It happens and I know that I am not the only one. I believe that I will bebefit from what i have suffered in my life and that good things are for me too. Maybe I will train to be a counsellor (have started a course)
There is hope, thats what I want to say, to those who are still behind the veil. It takes courage to step out but it is worth it.
