Hi Crooked Tree -
I've been going through a similar phase of 'unique' grief since establishing distance from my N-mother and 2 siblings who are enmeshed with her.
It has been a slow struggle:
Initially, there was a fair amount of energy, even excitement while I was confronting them about assorted issues, but simultaneously as I learned about NPD and its effects within a family, they also circled the wagons and have conducted a sort of silent treatment (with some creepy/cryptic exceptions). Their actions seemed to confirm my pop-diagnosis of NPD, and later combined with relief that I finally figured out what was going on...and that continued contact with them was harmful, I was initially glad -not- to have to deal with them much, if ever again.
That was several months ago, and the current phase is more of a dull ache, an unresolved, perhaps unresolveable, mourning period. At a minimum, the old relationships with my mother and 2 siblings are 'dead', and there feels the same magnitude of loss as if they all three died physically. (BTW - my dad had died several months prior to my realizing/confronting the rest of the family, so I've had some recent experience with that type of mourning).
The 'unique' part is that these people are not really dead...they still live, and while I've been cut off from them, there are still occasional artifacts of the relationship -- and stray attempts at manipulations -- that come floating my way every so often. (one factor: I have 2 young children who have memories of their cousins - by brothers' kids - but I've not fully explained the issues/circumstances that I realize may prevent them from seeing their cousins for years and years...they innocently ask about their cousins, etc...still a couple years away from being able to lay out some of what has happened).
I regard this state as a sort of zombie/undead presence -- the heart/soul/spirit of the relationships are dead, but there is a semi-hostile, semi-ghastly remnant that lingers, stumbling awkwardly around.
In mourning the loss of my dad, it was complex, sad, but fairly straightforward, and now 16 months since he died, largely over. In contrast, I'm struggling to mourn the loss of 3 more family members, but without the clean ending (and starting point for mourning) that a 'real' death entails. And without much of a social context for support from friends...there are rich traditions for supporting people whose loved one has died...but these N-situations are quite complex, even bizarre, to describe, to come close to matching the normal expressions of sympathy that other deaths would produce.
So...in some ways it feels like I've lost a total of 4 family members within the past year or so, which would be catastrophic enough, but 3 of them are zombies still roaming the emotional country-side, like some dysfunctional horror movie. And while through therapy/discussion boards, I can develop assorted tools/mechanisms to emotionally protect myself from them (to stretch the horror movie metaphor, the equivalent of holy water/crucifix), I still fully expect every now and then for them to throw themselves against the door, trying to get in, so to speak...maybe easily dispatched, but still a reminder that they are out there...
So...here's the challenge of this phase, which may or may not apply to you too: I'm trying to do two things at once: 1) develop the necessary boundaries/heal from the abuse at N's hands, and 2) mourn the loss of these undead relationships, where there is no real traditional/guide for grieving and with a physical form that may well out-live me.
I guess I'm just wading through the process...it is taking me longer that I anticipated, it has produced a low-grade quasi-depression: a real sober/somberness added to my personality, but fundamentally different from the hard-core depression that I suffered while repressing/suppressing feelings prior to seeing the N-family for what it was.
I think only time will heal these wounds, but much more time than a normal death involves. Your poem is a great way to tap and release the emotion that is within you, and as long as you keep that process up (versus keeping that sadness pent up) I think you are on the right path.
I wish you luck!
BG
