John,
You do understand. We have had similar abuse, I can feel it.
I do have to say, though, therapy is the only way! I have yet to hear of someone who has gotten through this on their own.
Please, keep trying to find someone good! I have been through alot of ones who did not understand at all. It was a joke. But keep trying until you find someone who understands you. I am a very stubborn and at times think I "know it all", not trusting anyone could help me. Finally I found a therapist and therapists who could really help me and even stand up to me at times for my own best interest. There is love out there, John, and understanding.
A big breakthrough for me was when I let my guard down and let someone, my therapist in, to understand me. It was hard, scary as hell, but so freeing. There is hope.
I think people like us were so hurt, our trust so damaged that there is a hard shell around us. I am still fighting it. Some therapists are skilled and know this shell even better than we do. I was VERY resistant to anyone getting in there. Terrified and angry. I have had a few good therapists in my healing. But I found the final therapist who will/is taking me home. And that is sooooo sweet. I knew it after the first two sessions. He was going to take me all the way home to living a healthy "normal" life. It is out there John.
I highly reccomend being open to therapy and that there IS a therapist who can help you. You deserve it... the attention and the understanding.
((((((John)))))))))))))
Menow