Seeking Approval

[Guesting]

How do you break the spell of seeking the approval and acceptance from others?

Sure, we all need approval and acceptance to feel good about ourselves.  But, how do you redirect that need from others to yourself.  To seek the approval from others, one will always feel disappointed and shortchanged, as that is always the case with me.

Thanks for any feedbacks.

[Brigid]

Guesting,

I'll let you know when I get there.     But I would say it will happen when you learn to love and accept yourself.  Not an easy thing to do when you have spent most of your life trying to please and care for others.  Now I am trying to learn to please and care for me without sacrificing the people in my life who still need me (my children).  It is a delicate balance.

All the best,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

I think I learned pretty early not to seek approval from outside of myself because I learned I was not going to find it there, at least not from my parents.  I think there is an old saying, something like you can't please all of the people all the time so you need to please yourself.  So I have certain standards for myself that I live up to, so that I can feel happy with myself, who I am and what I do.

Some people will never approve of most of what I do.  Other's will approve of what I do most of the time.  No one is always going to approve of everything I do.  Some people will be respectful and understanding of my choices, even if that's not what they would do, so in general these people while maybe not "approving" of a specific thing I do, in general "approve" of me as an individual, they "accept" me.  There are other people who don't "accept" me and they won't "accept" me no matter what I do.  That's OK, as long as I "accept" myself.

So I don't think I was really ever under the "spell" you speak of and I don't know how much help I can be in knowing how to break the "spell".  Possibly understanding the above can help.  However I also do realize we can understand something rationally, and have it still be a stranger to us emotionally.  I think that love is something that exists in the world, I think it's something bigger than all of us, I think it's something we can "connect" to.  I think when we can connect to this love that exists, that then we can emotionally "get it".

I think it is important to balance our needs with the needs of others.  I couldn't really be happy with myself if all I was interested in was my needs.  However I also believe that it is important for us each to be a source ourselves to having our needs met.  So like with my child, I see my ultimate goal as a parent is to make myself unnecessary.  So that in the end I will be unnecessary for my child but possibly enjoyable for my child.

LM

[OR]

Guest said :

How do you break the spell of seeking the approval and acceptance from others?

Approval Seeking is feeling emotional and mental pain when you experience disapproval.  To break free you must press past the pain.

Doing whatever people want you to do so they don't disapprove of you is avoiding the pain. You must be willing to endure the rejection.

Emotionally you will find it difficult at first but after you don't cave in all the time you will starve this Approval Seeking addiction.  The person you constanlty give into will want control and is addicted to you giving into them. You may see the fits and tantrums but after this behavior is starved it will no longer be able to survive.

It's a basic rule to any routine of addiction. Starve the Negative and Feed into the Positive.

Good Luck Im still working on this in my Life but found the writings in a book I'm reading. Hope it helps you understand a little bit.

[Guesting]

Brigid wrote:

I'll let you know when I get there.

Thanks for your honesty, Brigid.  I appreciate it.

LM wrote:

I think that love is something that exists in the world, I think it's something bigger than all of us, I think it's something we can "connect" to. I think when we can connect to this love that exists, that then we can emotionally "get it".

What you said made me stop and think about it some more.  Is love something we strive for as an end onto itself, or is it something more like a means to an end?

OR wrote:

Approval Seeking is feeling emotional and mental pain when you experience disapproval. To break free you must press past the pain.
Doing whatever people want you to do so they don't disapprove of you is avoiding the pain. You must be willing to endure the rejection.

Wow, OR.  I've never thought of approval seeking in that light before.  But it totally makes sense to me.  I do feel the emotional and mental pain when I don't get the approval I seek.  That's why I always feel shortchanged by it and leave me feeling more empty and unself-assured at the end than at the beginning.

but found the writings in a book I'm reading.

 I'm curious and interested to know what book this is.  Would you be willing to share the title of it?

Thanks for sharing!

Jasmine

[jophil]

There is a book called, "Getting the love that you want" ( I think that is the title) By Harvel Hendricks . He explains why self-love is limited in it's ability to heal ourselves . The concepts that Hendicks addresses tend to dismantle the fashionable New Age pop psych stuff that preaches about massive  'personal power' and how we 'choose our all of our experiences'.
His approach is rational and balanced which I found refreshingly honest ,unlike the clap-trap that poses as self-help at Barnes and Noble.

[Jasmine]

Thanks a bunch, Jophil!

Jasmine

[Anonymous]

What you said made me stop and think about it some more.  Is love something we strive for as an end onto itself, or is it something more like a means to an end?

Great question.  Makes me think of the question "Does the end justify the means?"  I always thought that was a bogus question.  We seem to want to make a distinction between means and ends, but I don't think that distinction truly exists.  The means and the end are interconnected, they in essence are the same.

[Anonymous]

Doing whatever people want you to do so they don't disapprove of you is avoiding the pain.

I think a lot of times when we attempt to avoid the painful things in life we actually create more pain for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

There is a book called, "Getting the love that you want" ( I think that is the title) By Harvel Hendricks . He explains why self-love is limited in it's ability to heal ourselves.

I haven't read this book yet, however I agree with this.  I think it's necessary to make meaningful connections with other people.

[Anonymous]

The last three posts were mine.

LM

[write]

which I could only achieve through therapy and rebuilding my life.

Be gentle and careful with yourself is my advice, take care of yourself and learn to draw boundaries and be your own caretaker.

Accept it will take time.

[seekinACCEPTANCcanBok?]

perhaps seeking approval and acceptance can be ok
..dependin how one goes about it

but maybe u assumed that
but in case u didnt
maybe u should consider that...


kinda like how some take buddha
that all desire is bad
and one should be totally desireless
... might be what was really meant
and seeking such as perfection which is not true perfection
might get a partial lesson
to gettin there
but can never fully encompass the actual state of perfection..
if u want to know bout perfection..
just ask a narcissist:)

[mum]

This is an essential question for me.
Somewhere along the line in my life, I gave up my seniority over myself.  I gave other people's opinions much more weight than my own.  I know this came from a combination of religious dogma, birth order, experience, etc....but regardless of where it was formed, healing only began for me, when I realized I needed to OWN myself.

fashionable New Age pop psych stuff that preaches about massive 'personal power' and how we 'choose our all of our experiences'.

I don't worry that I will suddenly become a selfish person if I say "my own power" or something to that effect.  I realize that being self serving has never been my problem.....it's been overly OTHER serving that has.
So comments like "self-serving, new agey" do not pertain to me, but I can see where I have to watch my tendency to feel bad when someone says that...... THAT is exactly the problem I am overcoming.
The second I would speak up for myself, someone who didn't want me to have a voice would only have to call me selfish, for me to instantly doubt and undermine my own voice.....thus, give away my power again.
I am not a selfish, prideful soul.  I never will be, and "owning" my own power, is only threatening to those people in my life who think they need to "control" me to feel powerful themselves.  It's not about "power" in lieu of caring about others. Not at all.  It's about knowing that the only TRUE loving starts with truely loving and accepting yourself.  
No N in the world would think this deeply about this subject.  They do not love themselves. Or anyone.  They cannot really love and they feel powerless, which is why they are so sick and wish to control everyone else.
I am no longer so self doubting, that I will allow everyone else's opinions, advice, commentary, thoughts, etc, to rule my own good,honest and loving intention. ...ie: my personal power.

[OR]

Jasmine: When I read this I agree about the pain.

The turmoil when someone is not happy with you.
In the past I have noticed my mind won't stop like it's in a mental loop over and over about how someone is not happy about what you did or said.
You want the pain to stop so you cave in.

I have also learned to not seek attention to make the pain stop.
Wishing the person I have offended to make my approval seeking satisfied with forgivness or telling me they are not mad at me.
I do this within reason and more aware Im looking for approval.

I don't do this as much and move on telling myself they will get over it or at least tell my self not to be so hard on my self for the offense.

I rarely get offended when some one hurts me, so I would hope others would do the same. I do let daily offenses quickly go, move on, say this was not nice and it was rude or very hurtful and move on, dont let ruin my day. I  have much better days without holding on to gruges.
My Mother was a BIG TIME grudge holder, Im so gald I have learned to not be this way.
 

Wow, OR. I've never thought of approval seeking in that light before. But it totally makes sense to me. I do feel the emotional and mental pain when I don't get the approval I seek. That's why I always feel shortchanged by it and leave me feeling more empty and unself-assured at the end than at the beginning.

Quote:
but found the writings in a book I'm reading.
I'm curious and interested to know what book this is. Would you be willing to share the title of it?

Thanks for sharing!

Jasmine

The book is new from Joyce Meyers called Approval Addiction

I went to see her in person at B& Noble. I got a picture with her, while signing my book.
She has changed my life with her ministry. I was so gald to meet her here in TX.  I often watch her on TV and have read her other books.

Thanks for thoughts on this subject its a struggle with me, one I'm working on daily.


OR