stuck

[Anonymous]

Just wondering about some things--- having a hard time makingsence of them.  my twin sister is home. I am haivng a hard time and am very scared especially to go to sleep. I feel very ashamed. I am always afraid that someone is killing me, or something. Anyway, I was trying to sleep and then I was trying to not know, but I thought there was my mother standing over the bed with a knife. Then I saw a little figure with a knife coming out of my heart towards my inner child, and opened my eyes to find my hand up as if holding the knife. Whatev. I am so scared. I try to pretend to myself that I am not but secretly I am. My inner child Little Bridget who now wants to be called Buterfly and I don't blame her if I am not able to stop thiscrazyness. I feel very lonely because it is obsessing me and i am finding it even harder to talk to anyone worrying about this. I have looked up on the computer about inner child abuse and not found anything like this. Ussually when I have a problem I can at least find it on the computer!!!!!! I wonder if I am grasping at straws but anyway my sister is home and talking to her and especially her and my nmom I felt like I was being emotionally killeddead away and that this might be from that. It just felt like they were killing me by expecting me to be other than I am and getting offended and upset by my feelings or trying to set boundaries. I asked my mother to not tell me what to do because I get very angry and feel raped of my capacity as a human being, and she said don't let it get too bad then. I felt like I was in a trap. What with my sister my mom and her buyfriend all in the house it feels nightmarish and I keep disassociating. My girls are like see this is what it was like meaning the way that it feels a desparate feeling of being guilty of being alive not dead. I want to keep myself to myself without being mean to my sister who is very needy and in a quandry herself right now, and I feel bad because I know that she is suffering and feels personally affrointed when I try to set a boundary, but it is hard. I feel like I do not want them in my body. I was wondering if anyone can relate? Love
Bloopsy Rose

[October]

Whatev. I am so scared. I try to pretend to myself that I am not but secretly I am. My inner child Little Bridget who now wants to be called Buterfly and I don't blame her if I am not able to stop thiscrazyness.  Love
Bloopsy Rose

Hiya Bloopsy.  Glad to see you again.  I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, with these violent images.  They sound really distressing for you.

Death is a scarey thing to have recurring in images, and feeling as if you are dead or dying.  I can understand the image of your mother wanting to k*ll you.  I have that image too, although it is not so powerful as yours is.  I think you learned at a very early age that you were not going to be looked after in the way you needed.  

But sometimes images of death mean something very different. Sometimes they mean changing from one kind of person into another, in a good way.  Like a butterfly.  I think Little Bridget is very clever to see this.  Maybe you should listen to her more?

Have you got anyone to talk to?  A therapist or a good friend who you can trust?  Keep posting here, and let us know how you are.

I always find it very tiring and draining to spend time with my family.  It may be similar for you.  Give yourself some space and time to recover from that.  However much your sister needs help, you still have to protect yourself and not give more than you are able to.  That is part of turning into the butterfly, and you are right to do it.

Take care, won't you?  (((hugs and prayers)))

[Portia]

Hiya Bloopsy Rose, I think it would be good if you could see your therapist and talk about what’s going on with your twin sister, your dream/imaginings and how you feel. Can you? I wonder about that

little figure with a knife coming out of my heart towards my inner child,

I don’t think this is necessarily a damaging image. I don’t know what it means. Maybe it’s time for you and your inner kids to get together, to become one whole Bridget? A whole Bridget who knows she can have strong boundaries  and not be guilty for being alive.  

I asked my mother to not tell me what to do because I get very angry and feel raped of my capacity as a human being, and she said don't let it get too bad then.

Sorry, I don’t understand. What did she mean – don’t let what get too bad? What is she telling you to do? (is it clear to you or is she being confusing and obscure?)

my sister who is very needy and in a quandry herself right now, and I feel bad because I know that she is suffering and feels personally affrointed when I try to set a boundary, but it is hard.

Maybe she is needy, but maybe you have an equal right to assert your self as much as she does! (You do have an equal right, please believe that.)

It is hard being true to yourself. But I think you’re doing great. Do you still have your stone from the man on the way to the store? Can you get out of the house more while your sister is there? It sounds as though you might need to. Too many toxic people around, you don't need that. Love, P

[longtire]

Bridget, I have to say that every time you post I see your progress.  I realize that it may not feel like progress to you, but I believe it is.  Sometimes it is hard to see all the little day by day changes you've made by yourself.  I know how excruciating it can be to be in a situation that you don't yet have the strength to escape.  Everytime you do something to take care of yourself you take a step toward escaping this situation and getting your own life back.  Every time you get enough rest, eat healthy, talk to someone about the situation, try something a little different, set a boundary, enforce a boundary, have a realization, learn something, you are taking another step toward yourself and out of the bad situation.  I look at what you have already survived and know that you can do this.  I look forward to the day when you aren't just surviving, but really get to live!

I also had fears that my wife would kill me in my sleep with a knife.  They were almost like flashbacks or flashes of images.  This was the only way that the part of me that was aware that she was killing my spirit could warn me to take care of myself.  I had suppressed that part a long time ago to survive in my family growing up.  After a lot of work, I was able to welcome that part of me into my inner family and now he can just talk to me instead of having to show me scary images.  Maybe you could try to thank the part of you that is showing you scary images for the warning next time.  I know that is a big, big change in attitude, but you might think about it.  What would happen if you did that?

I think that October hit it on the head.  Little Bridget is telling you about the change going on inside you with the idea of a butterfly.  You are changing, and that is scary.  But, it leads to great things too.  Just take it at the pace you are most comfortable with.  Not too fast that you feel out of control and not too slow that you feel stuck.  You get to decide.