Hi -
I have an oldest brother with schizophrenia who lives quite distant from me and limited in resources/social network, but maintains occasional periods of contact with our N-mother -- when in-touch, it may be a daily phone calls (she is several states away from him). Due largely to my N-mothers manipulation, she has turned our two other siblings against him...they have nothing to do with him for the past 20 years or so. I reestablished contact with him 15 years ago, which has been challenging at times but ultimately good/necessary for my own growth. She appears to use him as an easy-mark and way she can bolster her own martyred image to her friends and my other siblings.
I have semi-successfully extracted myself from my N-mother and 2 siblings harmful dysfunction, but still maintain fairly routine touch with this oldest brother, and despite his MI, he is arguably the sanest member of my family. Having been ostracized from the family for so long, he doesn't propogate the same problems as the rest of the N-family pod.
My question: when he describes the contact he has with N-mother, it is clear/obvious that there is significant amount of emotional abuse going on, and I see the resulting damage he sustains. I care deeply for him, and this is painful to watch. And at different times, he and I can discuss these things, and he 'gets' it, sometimes more than I do.
Yet...given his very limited social network, he has not been able to simply cut off the abusive relationship with our N-mother, like I've been able to. So he has periods of non-contact, where his MI and general outlook noticeably improves, and then resumes contact, where he is yo-yo'd around emotionally, and degrades.
I've only read a little about the battered-wife-syndrome where the abused has an irrational attachment to the abuser, and can simulateously admit there is abuse, but can't seem to leave, citing emotional, financial or other real/imagined dependencies...and instead tolerating ongoing levels of abuse and damage. (sorry for my clumsy/inaccurate paraphrase of that phenomenon)
This seems to be the pattern with him and my N-mother. I can accept that I may simply have to accept that reality (I can't force/change my brother to do something he's not ready to do). And as a stop-gap measure, I've requested that he simply not describe to me what contact he has with N-mother, as it infuriates me to see/hear what/how she tools him around emotionally.
But I am looking for suggestions/ideas/books, for the role I'm in: sort of an informed observer...I can see the abuse, I can see the damage, but since its not me who is directly abused, I'm not able to really end it. (its not overt/physical so there isn't really any legal/protective action that can be taken) And I've been careful (or trying hard) -not- to make him some rope in a tug of war (e.g. either he is in touch with my N-mother or me, but not both).
I figure there are other instances of more 'traditional' abuse (battered wife, etc) of ways a caring person who sees what is going on can maintain a relationship with the abused who can't seem to break out of the cycle. It is uniquely frustrating for me at the moment. Anyone with ideas/experience with this?
Much thanks,
BG
