one night stands

[dogbit]

The best one night stands ( maybe leading on to other stands with the same person) are the ones we remember.  The worst are the ones we don't.  If you choose to have intimacy on a casual level, that may be interpreted as having control.  So the issue is not one-night-stands....it is the need for control.  Is it worth it?

[Resolution]

Oh dear, what a pity......never mind!

'One size' does not fit all.....and I don't mean do say this in a suggestive way. Some people think this, some that....and other's whatever. Some did it and liked it.....some didn't and some never tried it! Jezzzzzzzzzzzz life's about choice and being able to make one or not! It's about being happy and content with those you've made....and perhaps not so about the ones that have proved wrong for you......that's the beauty of life.

Open discussion is about that......being open. It's not a question of being judgemental or opinionated in ways that blinker or blind ones thinking. I've never found myself attracted to another man.....but this doesn't make me homophobic. I don't have any Indian friends....but this doesn't mean that I'm rascist. I'm celebat at this time, but this doesn't mean that I don't fancy a shag (any offers kindly considered).

I like Indian food...and I also 'do' most other foods. Just because someone eats snales, doesn't mean that they're revolting. The point that I'm making is that so many of us are giving their fixed and strident views on an issue and there's no need. I'm 'open' on this subject, I'm not 'fixed' one way or another. Sometimes it might be right for a person.....and sometimes not! I'm 'in balance' on this and not being judgemental or even premature before the fact. It's a discussion....not an insult.

Relax.

[Anonymous]

Resolution,

This isn't at the same level as food preferences at all. It's a pretty emotional subject and people have their feelings about it. They're just airing them. my opin for what it's worth

bunny

[mudpuppy]

I'm not too sure what there was in my post that was 'testy'.
I just disagreed with someone else's opinion, by stating my own. I didn't intend to make any personal points and didn't mention anyone by name. I only used your quotes, Plucky, because they were illustrative of an opinion expressed by several people here. Nothing personal. You just stated the case most succinctly, so I used your quotes.

I'm not saying adults aren't free to do as they choose. People have been 'shagging' just about anything that moves since time began. And they've been suffering the consequences as well.
Nor is this issue causing me 'grief or difficulty' at my age.
Plucky, you pointed out that what we learn as kids about sex impacts us throughout our adult life. I merely stated we are trying to teach our daughter what we consider a more healthy attitude toward sex now, so she will have a healthy attitude about it when she grows up. So when I talk about teaching our kids about sex I AM talking about adults, because someday soon she's going to be one, and I don't want her to learn about it the way bunny had to. I'm not sure why anyone would take that personally.

I guess I don't understand the discussion. I thought 'write' started this with a serious question.
Apparently if I told a playground joke about sex between strangers it would be acceptable, but if I point out some of the pitfalls of casual sex I'm being judgemental and insulting and should keep my mouth shut.

I simply expressed a different point of view, and I asked a few questions. I notice no one addressed my questions, except for bunny. And even then only paranthetically. Instead of getting mad at me for no reason that I can see or ignoring my questions, why doesn't someone answer them.

Perhaps someone could show me I'm wrong. I'm an open minded kind of guy, to the extent that I consider the facts and evidence and a well reasoned argument on a subject. Anybody got any of those?

mudpup

[bunny]

mud,

I just looked at your questions and the answer to both of them is no. No one wants their daughter to engage in one-night-stands. Adults do a lot of things that they don't want their kid to do, and your daughter will probably do things that you disapprove of (hopefully trivial things). Humans are curious and they also tend to act out their wishes and longings rather than processing them internally.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Mud,

NO and NO.

I set the example that I want my daughter to follow.

I talk to her about what it means to be special and what it means to respect the body that God gave you.

I agree 100% with everything you are saying.

My husband's daughter had sex at the age of 14.  We were all devestated.  She is being raised by her Mom who "ran around" during the marriage and exposed her kids to many of her "dates".  

I'm going to do and say everything I can to help both my daughter and son to save themselves for their life partners.

God bless.

[Anonymous]

I posted the last one.

Mia

[write]

should children be involved in their parents' love/sex lives! Unless it's a case of remarrying or a v. long-term relationship I personally don't think our children need to meet or know much about our dates etc.

[write]

I haven't read all the posts in their entirety but I think the discussion has been helpful for me at least.

I think there are times when I'll feel like one-night stands are appropriate for me, other times I'll choose to be celibate if I'm not in a relationship.

Opinions like yours are good for balancing that out- and reminding ourselves we don't have to be in a sexual relationship...and we can live without it!

[Stormchild]

should children be involved in their parents' love/sex lives! Unless it's a case of remarrying or a v. long-term relationship I personally don't think our children need to meet or know much about our dates etc.

True, in theory, but we all know that the quality of our parents' marriage - related to and / or reflected in the quality of their sex lives - is something we had some level of awareness of, as children, if we were paying any attention to our parents a-tall a-tall.

If they had a sound and warm relationship, we knew it. We saw the occasional 'extra special' hugs, snuggling, eye contact, etc. We saw the twinkle in the eyes when we headed out the door, as preteens and teens, long enough for a little sweet music to be made in our absence.

If they divorced and went in for a spate of bed-hopping, we may have had ringside seats for the breakfast table parade of strangers, at the very least.

And some parents are sick enough not only to cheat on their spouse, but to recruit their children as allies in the deception. Others are sick enough... and Ns are in this group with all flags flying... to resent their growing childrens' physical maturity as 'competition', and try to thwart it with putdowns, insults, or sexual devaluation of the child so that the 'threat' is averted one way or another.

So... we all saw something. We all learned something. Was what we saw modeling healthy human sexuality, and what did we learn from what we saw?

[Brigid]

It's too bad that a discussion about sex cannot stay as benign as other topics, but people have very strong opinions and I guess that will always be so.

I have been involved with health education for many years and have sat on curriculum review committees for human growth and development for our school district.  I'm very knowledgeable about STD's and all the down sides of casual sexual activity.  I have spoken very openly and honestly with my children about all these issues.  I would have liked for them to have remained virgins until marriage, but once they are adults and away from home, you no longer have control over this.  I know my son is sexually active with his girlfriend of almost 3 years.  They were both virgins and waited until they went away to school.  We still talk very openly and honestly about it, but he is an adult and must make his own decisions about this kind of behavior now.  My daughter is almost 17 and hasn't even been on a date yet, but she is beautiful and the time will come and I hope she makes good decisions.

How I choose to conduct my sex life as a nearly 55 year old adult has nothing to do with how I want my children to behave.  I have never had a one-night stand and don't intend to start now, but cannot condemn other adults for choosing to do so.  Until 22 months ago, I never thought I would have to give it any consideration for the rest of my life.  Obviously, that has changed and I'm having to figure it out as I go.  There wasn't a rule book for being dumped in your 50's to follow, and I don't feel the rules I learned as a teenager (self-imposed, my parents were like Bunny's) apply to me now as an middle-aged adult.  

I feel everyone in this situation is entitled to figure it out for themselves.  We will make mistakes, hopefully they won't be life-threatening, and we learn and move on.  There is no "right" way to work through this imo, but only what is "right" for you.

Brigid

[Resolution]

I have 3 teenage daughters, 2 over the age of 16. None have been brought up baptised, brainwashed by me or strict. I love my kids and they're free. Free to live their lives as they see fit. With guidance from me, but that's all. I've been right as a person.....and I've been wrong.  I'm human. But the very last thing I'd like them to do, is to live in the past.....and it's religious half assed shackles. Praise be the Lord.

I've become 'unprogrammed' and in doing so....more relaxed. It would do one or two people on here some good to remove said broom handle from ones arse....less you receive splinters!

Why is it that people refuse to live their lives save for what others have told and preached to them to do? Why is it that some can't stretch beyond  the bounds of their intructions? Why must we live our future lives in the past? We evolve....we develop....and as individuals. So for some, do their children lives their lives.....or their parents? Or do they have to lie to their parents less they'd be thought less of?

[bunny]

Resolution,

Isn't it okay if people are religious, or follow some parental teachings? I am kind of confused about your ideas about the people on this board. They are good people. I don't think anyone wants you to change, they are just voicing their emotions about this topic.

bunny

[mudpuppy]

Resolution wrote,

It's a discussion....not an insult...... I'm 'open' on this subject, I'm not 'fixed' one way or another.

and

and it's religious half assed shackles......None have been brought up baptised, brainwashed by me or strict........It would do one or two people on here some good to remove said broom handle from ones arse....less you receive splinters!

Kinda hard to reconcile the first two statements with the last three, isn't it?

It seems a little hard to have an open discussion when anyone who expresses an opinion different than yours has a 'broom handle up their arse'.

It also seems a little hard to see how anyone can be 'open' on a subject when they seem to describe a different opinion as 'religious half assed shackles' and 'brainwashing'.
Apparently your idea of an open discussion is everyone agrees with you or you start insulting them and their beliefs.

Why is it that people refuse to live their lives save for what others have told and preached to them to do? Why is it that some can't stretch beyond the bounds of their intructions?

Lots of people can stretch beyond the bounds of their 'religious half assed shackles'. Joe Stalin trained for the seminary. He got way, way beyond those shackles. Jeffrey Dahmer was raised in a 'strict' Christian home. Thank goodness he stretched himself and threw off that 'brainwashing' from his parents.
Now, to prevent any over reactions to my examples of mass murderers, what I did was take an argument to its logical extreme to demonstrate the fallacy of the argument, not to say that one night stands lead to serial killers, only that the 'bounds of our instructions' are usually the good common sense of painful experience speaking.

The most amusing thing about a discussion like this is how so often the people preaching 'tolerance' and 'freedom' and pleading for an 'open discussion' are the ones who resort to insults and calumny the minute someone disagrees.
I made my point, resume the Bacchanalia.

I'll pray for your daughters.

mudpup

[write]

where the discussion is going here?
It's very much a personal decision based upon someone's values and beliefs obviously.

No one is 'right' or 'wrong'; we can only decide for ourselves what is best.

I'm still thinking; maybe it isn't quite the detached behaviour I've been telling myself, or I wouldn't be questionning it now?

Recently I have been trying not to get involved in any relationships including casual sex: it's like I want to reset my relationship guage and I haven't quite figured it all out yet.

I don't feel bad about the times I had casual sex. I do feel bad about most of the relationships in my life.

& I do wonder if there is the kind of equal loving relationship I would ideally like somewhere out there...I've got a good single life but I still feel lonely sometimes and just want to be held...