Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.

[Anonymous]

Hi all:

This coming Monday evening is my daughter's graduation night.  I will be attending, ofcourse!!

Also....one of my abusers, whom I have not had any direct contact with, for about 4 years, will be there and I'm wasting my time (la..dee..doo.dah) worrying and trying not to.

This person will cease the opportunity to do something ....if at all possible...to push my buttons!  This is a given.

I'm trying to figger out a plan, I guess, ahead of time to avoid this, if it's possible.
You know, thinking about all the bad things that could happen and trying to decide the best possible thing to do and all that.

I feel very angry and resentful....again.

This should be a time of joy!  I'm so proud of my daughter!!  I'm so happy for her success and I want to focus on her and make her day a great celebration!  That's what it is!!

Under normal circumstances, I would only feel that joy.....instead of this... there is a great underlying dread....and the anger and resentment it generates!!  Makes me want to hire someone to let the air out of their tires.......a minute before they go to get in the car!  (hahahahaha.....with my luck.......they'd get a ride or call a cab or take the bus and be there early!!!....so I guess that probably wouldn't work...even if I could find a shifty character to do it!)

I haven't slept well for the last few nights.
My skin is errupting, which is a sure sign of my anxiety.
I don't want my husband to have to defend me, which he will do gallantly and quietly, if this person tries to do anything to my cornflakes.

I want to sit as far away as possible from my abuser but I don't even know if there are certain seating arrangements already in place, for those attending to celebrate each child and I certainly don't want to sit near this person! If I must, I will but again.........dread!!!

And then there's the reception, afterward and the ideas of people wandering around and eye contact and I keep imagining this person stepping up, as I congratulate my daughter and making some dig, that I will ofcourse, ignor and not respond to (but it makes me angry just thinking about it....having to do that....when I'd really like to slug back with a feroscious roar!!)  Or.....the person might also try to pretend sweetness and lovlies......while I fume...my eyes protesting....and my stomach rising!

I'm so frustrated about the whole thing I wouldn't go if it weren't for my child deserving me there.  I'll be soooo glad when it's over.

I am using my mind to visualize good stuff happening and me being calm, collected and happy too.  But fear is trying very hard to rule and the closer the day gets...the more I want it to go away.

Thanks for reading.  All your wise words will help.  So will any prayers!

GFN

[Brigid]

Hey GFN,

I'm sorry that something so special as your daughter's graduation is causing such angst rather than joyful anticipation.  What happened to our strong, positive role model that you always seem to muster?  You know that this person is just a little pissant that you can mentally squash like a bug, right??

Can you bring more reinforcements than just the hubby?  Keep the wagons circled with no entry allowed?  I know you want to be strong and independent, but sometimes we need to let our knights defend us.  It makes them feel like they have a purpose in life (other than the sex, of course--going back to the one-night stand thread   ).

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that the day will be beautiful, your daughter will be beautiful and the abuser will be invisible.

(((((((GFN)))))))))))

Brigid

[Anonymous]

I don't want my husband to have to defend me, which he will do gallantly and quietly, if this person tries to do anything to my cornflakes.

Please let him help you. You don't have to do this alone.

hugs,
bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Brigid:

What happened to our strong, positive role model that you always seem to muster?

I get weak and negative with the best of them!!  Hopefully, that one will be back before Monday!

You know that this person is just a little pissant that you can mentally squash like a bug, right??

This person is a conniving, slick, slithery, vole with fangs and claws but I will work, over the week end, to imagine a mosquito, no-- a black fly, instead.  Good advice that I know darn well helps!!  Thanks!

That's a good suggestion about bringing a clan/army with me but unfortunately, there is a 4 person limit, for each child, which I believe my daughter has already exceded by inviting a couple extra people.

Thanks, Brigid, for your support and thanks for the lovely prayer, which is already partly true because my daughter is already.....beautiful.

Thanks to you too, Bunny, for the hugs and for reminding me that I am not the all-powerful-able-to-leap-voles-in-a-single-bound---alone super-N-
deflector that I'd like to be.   I'm sure he'll agree with you too.

I'm just so independant, in a lot of ways.  But you're right.  This may be a time to let him deal and I can just smile and turn my back.

Now there's a thought!  Except.....if he does respond, then the person's mate might too and make it a free for all, and it could escalate and ruin the whole event for my daughter?  Such a scene would do that!  Fear again.  Frustration.  Anger.

OOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo I want to scream!!  Son of a........

Maybe they won't show up!!!  
 
That would be nice.  Let's all pray for that!!  I know my daughter doesn't care because she told me the person invited themself and "Mom!  What could I say?  I didn't know there was a limit of people then, or I would have said so!"

Her distress...distresses me.  I just told her it's not a problem and all will go well.  But I'm not thoroughly convinced of that!  I guess I need to anticipate and expect it to.

Ok.....I can do that.  It just infuriates me that I have to spend my time doing such a thing when, under normal conditions, I would probably be bubbling around and looking forward to it all.  Instead, I have to prepare myself, arm myself, build myself up, and brace myself!

GFN

[Plucky G2]

Hi GFN,
I feel your pain and your stress.   What a bummer.

At the risk of being repetitive, the best defence is a good offence!

Long, long ago, I once taught a self esteem course for kids.  The material was great.  It had them practice responses to typical challenges and situations.  They all had snappy names.

Here is one I still remember for you to practice, for when that weasel starts up.

Broken Record Response (this was some years ago, before cds)

Weasel:  Blablabla
GFN:  Oh.  How about that.
Weasel:  Bla bla bla bla bla!
GFN:  Oh.  How nice.
Weasel:  BLA BLA BLA!!!!!!
GFN:  Um hmmmm.

etc.
It doesn't matter what weasel is saying or whether your response is appropriate.  Just don't let those thoughts into your brain for processing.  Let it slide over the top of your head.  Visualize this.  There is no reason to actually listen to this rodent, is there?  Just say something back so it can't be said you are being rude.  At some point excuse yourself.  If weasel gets upset, look surprised and offer sympathy.  
"Oh dear.  Are you not feeling well?"

Hope this helps or at least gives you a laugh.

Plucky

[mum as guest]

GFN:  DARN, I just hate these situations....turns me from a normally competent woman into a jellyfish...ugggg for you!

Here's what my fiance tells me to do in these situations: envision yourself as a master of martial (not marital!!!!! ) arts.  The idea is never to let a blow strike you head on.....or so that you absorb all the energy.  Instead, picture yourself avoiding the blow entirely (step out of the way....he swings at nothing and it goes right by you ) or you take the energy of the hit and redirect it, right back at him.  You don't even need to practice how that would work, really. Just by your intention (c'mon, you know this stuff!) you will not be the victim at all.  The little gnat will not get to you....not a bit.   It's like you are NOT THERE to take the pain from this person....intend not to, intend to send it back to that person.
It starts with intention.....believe it.. and yes, by all means, let your wonderful husband run interference........

You are there for your daughter.....not to face down any fears.....think the good stuff kiddo.  I'll bet it will be GFN hero time again!!!

[Anonymous]

Been doing gardening and inbetween, cooling off, out of the heat, by reading here today.  I have a small tractor and a little wagon with a water tank on it that I use for watering my large gardens.  All tractors make a fair bit of noise, even small ones like mine.

I drove out, to the back of my property to begin watering and saw the deer, grazing on the farmer's wheat, in the field, just behind my wire fence.   It looked up at me and my loud tractor, watched me drive toward it and then turn and begin watering a garden.  It ignored the loud groaning of my machine, watched the water spray for a couple of seconds and returned it's focus to consuming the nearly ripe wheat.

I came in, in awhile, (the deer is still there), and read here and it strikes me that what you wrote, Plucky and what you wrote, Mum, and what that deer said to me, without speaking is very true.

I have to ignor the noise, the blah blah blah of the vole/weasel/black fly, like the deer ignored the noise of my tractor.  Even though I may feel timid inside, I don't have to show it.  I must look confident like that deer, that the noise doesn't bother me because I am intent on eating the wheat, on taking in the joy and sharing mine, with my daughter.

I might never have thought...not to listen to the droan....so thankyou Plucky.  I can be at least as brave as that deer, so thankyou again Mum.

I can look it like the deer did, like it's just water and noise, the blah blah blah, that it is harmless and has nothing to do with me.   I can absorb the nourishment I will no doubt get, by getting through my daughter's graduation with grace, and the wheat of her special day and it will help me the next time I have to face this insect.

(Which is another thing I was doing.....worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet.....like weddings and funerals and baptisms....and on and on...wasting my time and energy on silly stuff...on thinking about all that will yet come).

You're right Mum, I don't have to face down any fears, I just have to think of my child and how happy she is and my own good thoughts.  Thanks for the reminder.  I can let the energy bounce off of me like water off a headless duck ( --you really are a bright one...full of light Mum!!).

Hope this helps or at least gives you a laugh.

It did both!  Thanks Plucky!

Thankyou ((((((all))))))

GFN

[mum as guest]

Nothing is by coincidence, GFN...... you have a deer spirit nearby....how wonderful.  (oh, but do you want him to eat all that wheat? At least he's not going for the vegetables.... )

You will be fine.....we all need reminding from time to time.

Your worrying about the future got me thinking about what Ekhart Tolle says in the Power of Now:
ask this question; "Right NOW, what's the problem?"
More than likely, there isn't one in the NOW.  And if you can plan for the future now, great (like you just did) otherwise.....drop it...like a suitcase full of stuff you don't want! (I am really paraphrasing here).

[Anonymous]

oh, but do you want him to eat all that wheat? At least he's not going for the vegetables..

It's a big field so the farmer probably won't notice, if he does, he might shoot skeet, to scare the deer away.   The farmer doesn't live on the farm (lives on another farm, in the next village), so I doubt he'll see the deer today.  

There are no vegetables but there are....my flowers, which I'm glad the deer is leaving for me to water!!   (he/she could skip over the fence anytime he/she likes, does it all the time, when my dogs are inside.  I don't mind.  So far, he just likes the wild flowers in my meadow and there are lot's, so I don't mind sharing with him/her).

That sounds like good paraphrasing to me Mum.  Now, is right!  Right now, I need only put on some mosquito dope and go back, keep watering and watching my dear deer!

Thanks again Mum!!

GFN

[Brigid]

GFN,
Reading your post about the deer makes me miss my former home so much.  At this time of year when the fawns are being born and tottering around on those skinny little legs, not unlike our babies when they first learn to walk with those chubby little legs.  I really miss my beautiful orioles, bluebirds, indigo buntings, grosbeaks and all the rest.  Oh well, I certainly enjoy my life here.

I'm glad you are gathering your strength and getting great ideas for surviving the encounter with the weasel, blackfly (insert your own vile creature).  I have great faith that you will do fine and be able to tune out his blah, blah, blah.  I will have to go through this next year, so I am reading all the suggestions with great interest.

Brigid

[Plucky G2]

Your worrying about the future got me thinking about what Ekhart Tolle says in the Power of Now:
ask this question; "Right NOW, what's the problem?"

Good one mum, I also heard this and am not sure where to credit it:

To find out whether you have a problem, ask whether there is a solution.  If there is no solution, it is not a problem, it is a situation.  No amount of worrying will sove it.

This has lifted my load many a time.
Plucky
PS You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Well, the fireflies are dancing on the grass, the bats are swooping, frogs are singing and there's something in the bush next door.....moaning...which I'd swear was a moose, if I didn't live so far south and I've weeded some, watered lot's, cut some grass, written all my Dear John letters, etc.  I guess my work is done for today.

Hey Brigid:

Sorry you miss your old home.  Maybe some day you'll return to live some where like it!  My prayers for that and that you will continue to enjoy your life where you are now, until then.

I have great faith that you will do fine and be able to tune out his blah, blah, blah.

Thankyou for that faith!  I'm adding it to my collection!

I will have to go through this next year, so I am reading all the suggestions with great interest.

Hear that all?  Keep 'em comin'!!

This has lifted my load many a time.

Lifting mine too Plucky.  Thanks again!

Sweet dreams all!

GFN

[Brigid]

Hey GFN,

and there's something in the bush next door.....moaning

Maybe John hooked up with someone in the Great White North whose e-mail, voicemail, and package in a plain brown wrapper he couldn't refuse.  

I love all that you mentioned but the bats.  I know they eat the mosquitoes, but they really freak me out.

Sweet dreams,

Brigid

[b/k guesting]

Hey GFN,

Remember, the time when you the scared the hell out of that bozo who tried to rob you or something in the subway.  Perhaps, if you replicate that look of death at your daughter's graduation directed towards him, he will run away like a terrified little lamb in the presence of a ferocious lion...even though you may be the one who feels like the scared little lamb.  But, he doesn't have to know that, eh?      

Butterfly

[Anonymous]

Hi all:

Hey Brigid!  Do you think so?  John in the bush?  Sounding like a moose?
Hope I didn't hurt his feelings too badly with that Dear John letter (sorry John.....etc).      

Re:  Bats.  They don't freak me out at all.  I think they're cool.  I grew up, standing on a dock, a lot of the time during the summer evenings, holding a fishing rod and watching the bats.  They would fly pretty close to me, sometimes too.  I just thought they were curious.  I can imagine what they were saying:

Bat1:  "What's that idiot doing?"
Bat2:  "Beats me.  She must be getting eaten alive by the mosquitos."
Bat1:  "Ya and what's that long thing she's holding for I wonder?"
Bat2:  "You got me.  Maybe it's for swatting mosquitos or something.  Wait!  I'll swoop by and find out!"

Bats supposedly have an amazing communication system that we humans have yet to unravel (other than it is thought that they send out some kind of sound waves, that bounce off of stuff supposedly to avoid running into it....since they're blind).

I say, a creature that blind, that can swoop that close to me, without running into me, and knocking me off the dock into the water, all while eating massive amounts of insects, is ok, even cool, in my book.  But I'm pretty weird I guess.

Hiya Butterfly:

I was thinking about something like that last night.  Imagine me....who faced attackers........a number of times in my life, and survived....being afraid of.........an insect.

Stupid.    Not going to do it.   Ya'll are helping me to focus.   Thankyou!!

Yes..........I could do an evil eye thing, if necessary.  I like the idea too.  I will first, though, stick with........ignoring the buzzing, if I possibly can do that and if I must respond, I think I'll try to say things that were suggested by Plucky, and if that doesn't seem to be computing....maybe the odd........expressive look might suffice, as I excuse myself asap.

I was feeling like a scared little lamb yesterday but today I'm feeling more like a bat!!   I can and will eat that insect with my eyes, if I must.
I don't intend to get bitten, that's for sure!

I intend, as Mum reminds me, to focus on my daughter.  That is what I'll be there for and no pesky, little irritating bug is going to make me itch!

Thanks again all!  

Oh........and what Bunny said:

Hey, Bunny....will you come to my daughter's graduation with me please?
And you too Brigid and Plucky and Butterfly and Mum and whoever I've missed?

I'm going to bring my army with me in my head.  I can imagine you all there, covered in fly dope, standing around me, with fly swatters!!

Thanks Bunny!  I won't be there alone at all!  

GFN