Hi Sally,
What I am interested in, however, is your story, if you dont mind telling us more about it. When did you find out that something was wrong with the way your mom treated you? Did you love her as a child? Did you feel she loved you back? I dearly loved my mother...I thought she was a hero! What did it feel like inside when you were a child? How did your mother devour you?
Best, Marta
Hi Marta,
You can find my initial posting to the forum here:
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3/index.php?topic=1673.0 I always knew something wasn't right from a very young age. The first time is when I asked my Nmother if I was beautiful. She looked away and then said, “no, but you’re pretty.”
I was never close to my Nmother. As a baby I did not bond with her and therefore our relationship never grew. I had a horrific nightmare about 10 years ago about my Nmother. I was a baby in the dream. She laid me face up on the back of a high-backed sofa. It was a precarious and dangerous position. Finally I understand what this means but at the time I woke up terrified and not understanding the nightmare. To my Nmother I was an "IT" and therefore dispensable.
I didn’t love her and she didn’t love me. She tolerated my presence which was a daily reminder of her mistake, her affair. I always knew my father was not my biological father. I repeatedly asked why I didn’t look like my brothers or father. And was told numerous times that I looked like my mother. However I look only like her. The following link is where I talk about this.
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3/index.php?topic=1684.0 I survived my childhood by splitting, becoming multi-fragmented and multiple. I became an extreme introvert and developed an elaborate inner world. As my kindergarten teacher wrote on the report, “Painfully shy and withdrawn. Doesn’t make friends.” Gee, I wonder why.
I was emotionally and mentally maligned by my Nmother, Nfather (not pathological) and Nbrother all at once until I would break down and cry. That abuse continued until I broke physical contact with them upon starting therapy in my mid 30s.
My worst abuse was similar to the systematic and ritualistic abuse which my uncle suffered. However mine had the added twist of being "sold" (for money) to my perpetrators, one of whom was my biological father.
I used to have a recurring dream about the actual "purchase." My memory is very clear about the house where this occurred. I've even asked my Nmother if we ever lived in a unique house like I described. She confirmed it and where I knew it was located then she quickly changed the subject. How N of her!
I had a better idea of how deep the rabbit hole went at age 10 when I caught my Nmother in a big lie. The lie got bigger and more twisted as the years passed until at 18 she had to tell me another lie to cover that first one. This lie was about her mother, my supposed grandmother. We always referred to her father's wife as grandma. She wasn't. She was a step-grandmother and never raised my Nmother. Why the lie had to be told is to cover up my Nmother's very screwed up childhood.
THE LIE: My Nmother's real mother died in a car accident. My Nmother's brother and sister died too.
We were told her mother never drove a car and never even learned how to drive. So this meant my Nmother's father had to be driving. There was never anything mentioned about whether he got hurt. And my grandfather was sitting in the room when my Nmother told this 'story.' He didn't volunteer anything.
The only reason this 'story' had to be told is that my oldest Nbrother (unknown whether he is pathological) and I found it strange that my grandparents were married on his birthday -- the actual day he was born. We knew that was an impossibility.
THE COVERUP LIE: My Nmother's real mother was murdered by her own son. The son, my uncle, also killed his sister. It was a brutal murder. This part is true. I was old enough to hear the whole story but of course NPDs don’t tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The rest a lie: My uncle commited suicide by hanging himself in his cell at a maximum security prison for the criminally insane. My step-gma worked for a hotel chain as a secretary.
I found the truth reading the newspaper articles. Of course some of this may not be 100% accurate but it has got to be more truthful than my Nmother's version of the truth.
My uncle actually died at the hands of an unknown assailant. His body was discovered at the bottom of a reservoir on the prison grounds. His hands were tied behind his back to a cinder block. Pretty difficult to commit suicide like that. His death was never investigated.
My step-gma and my gpa were obviously having an affair. She worked for him -- HIS personal secretary. (So my Nmother's 'story' about her father's employment had to be a lie too -- he was a foreman. Foremen don't have secretaries especially not in the line of work my gpa did.) They married only 5 months after my gpa's wife was brutally murdered by his son. I wonder if my gpa was a N (not NPD). I believe my Nmother’s real mother was NPD with sadism like my Nmother. I never met her but just the small bit of information my Nmother shared about the systematic and ritualistic abuse of her brother gave me the creeps.
I guess bottom line is my Nmother’s family and my family were F - I - N - E and beyond that. I think my uncle would be classified as a sociopath among other things.
The most interesting part of all this, I am the only one in the family who has a bigger picture of the truth. No one else has been in therapy and sent away for the newspaper articles. The murders were worse than my mother described and the crime so brutal my uncle fled the state in which they were committed. The FBI was called into the investigation on a nationwide manhunt for him.
When I am finished writing my autobiographical books then I’ve decided to write one on my Nmother and her sicko family.
