Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Hello Acappella
Anonymous:
Hi Acappella,
First congrats on the name change. I had promised a post to a message a while ago about how incredibly sensitive you seem to be to what your role in the relationship is, and then I got caught up in living (new apartment - floor refinishing, painting, etc. What a metaphor for cleaning my emotional house! Guess who didn't have the energy to help, although I've paid his rent for most of this year!)
The crisis of the moment may be over (did you say he found out about this board? That would be a worst case situation for anyone - don't let guilt take up space in your mind - it's practically guaranteed that no matter what you've said to him that you say here, he wasn't listening in the sense of taking it to heart. We are!) And he should have a major problem with the fact you need to speak to unseens - because his number one priority should be how are you feeling and why do you feel this way,and what can he be doing differently? And he should be asking you, "what do you need and how can I help?" Isn't that how we talk to our selves and to our partners? That's the acid test we should give to any man (partner) who wants space in our lives. The i ching notes the difference between courtship and seduction: courtship is when he voluntarily makes your interests more important than his own. That's wisdom from 2000 years ago, works for me!
You've been thinking about leaving for a while, but "baby and the bath water." The question is, are you learning/growing from the angst, and he is not? Does he just blame you for all of his emotional discomfort, while you meanwhile ferret out all of your inner feelings and motives to figure out what your role was? That can only go on for so long. If so, admit that you've benefitted by "using" him to grow, but wasn't your intention to live life mutual? I think you were focused on love and the natural benefits of loving. It's not your fault if he doesn't ever look in the mirror, or believe in evolution!
And I know it may be hard for you sometimes to even to accept that you've started down this road. I don't know that once you've started that there are any real turnouts. But remember too that you can love unconditionally without having to sacrifice your self. You can always love this person and still love yourself.
So here (finally!) is what I have to say:
- with this kind of person, don't go for a "mediated" agreement. I know from experience that he will go along with this because he hopes you're not serious, and then at the last minute he'll back out in favor of a prolonged contested divorce because you didn't waver during the mediation. From what I've seen you have a heart of chocolate and he's not ever going to find anyone more sympathetic or tolerant, and believe me, he knows it.
- what you will experience in terms of emotional freedom is well worth the financial considerations. You're going to be doing something simple like washing the dishes and look out the window and then just thank God you're alive and what a waste but hey! it's over. You're going to want to dance.
- since you do not have children together, the issue is division of assets and whether you have to pay alimony. which depends on whether you have a history of supporting him, and for how long, and why.
-asset divisions are primarily determined by the state in which you live. Consult an attorney (you can do initial consultations for free and should probably talk to two or three attorneys) and find out how best to protect yourself. There are pretty standard rules. Remember that you can always do more than the minimum requirement, if you feel the need, but you don't want an unfair obligation. Virtually nothing you or he does now (dating etc.) is going to make a difference in the divison of assets/liabilities, but the thing to watch out for is hiding of assets.
- dont' worry too much about the financial aspects. In today's world of credit scoring just about everything disappears in two years anyway. At the same time, if this person is not likely to be able to support themselves in coming years, then you have to be very careful about the way the alimony agreement is worded. Otherwise, if he goes on state aid, at some point the state may come back and make you continue to support them.
For what it's worth. I'm not a big follower of tough love, had enough toughness in my life and so I like love today to be softer. But we don't always get what we want. (Then again, it may take some of us a while to know what it is we want. Better late than never!)
Ella:
oops, previous post was from me :D
Guest:
Hi Ella,
thank you. I really appreciate your supportiveness. I have been struggling the last couple of weeks and am very tired. I will no doubt be reading your post again and again for encouragement as you gave a lot of helpful input. Thanks.
Right now my "heart of chocolate" feels like coal. :cry:
So in another thousand years and some more pressure and it will become a diamond? NOT a girls best friend. I'd take chocolate over old rocks any day.
Arrg.
CC:
Hi Accapella,
Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you today. I am saddened that your safe place (here) has been invaded by the N in your life. I hope you are taking steps to take care of yourself emotionally and financially. I imagine the holidays will be difficult for you as they are for most of us.
I think Ella has offered you some good, experienced advice. May your new year be happier.
Blessings, CC
Acappella:
Hi CC,
i appreciate your thinking of me. thanks for caring. I still am feeling some safety here. I can still keep in touch by reading posts and when I have energy I'll post again myself. I don't have to be directly involved to get a good feeling from what transpires here - for example, the protective boundaries you are setting up with you your mom, your sensitivity to how you do so and the excellent support I see being sent your way in that thread.
My husband said he though my name was Echo AND I know darned well he would intentionally say that just to fool me into believing he didn't know I'd changed my name so that I'd post openly again. In fact at the time he announced he'd been reading my posts I think I'd already changed my name. See...I'm no echo no more as I know that much now about him now. If I can figure out a way to test whether he knows who I am posting as I may be able to post as myself again.
It is too bad as I really am in to openess and wanted for years for us to be frank with one another. I was with him. Occassionally he was with me too. However, random, inconsistent acts of potential disclosure does not a healthy team make. He even enjoys confusing and taunting our dogs. It is "harmless" stuff like saying a word that sounds like a word they understand and then intentionally not giving them the response they expect. I don't like though as my dog is great at telling me what she wants...water, food, to play, to get on the couch, to go for a walk. She'll whine. Then I just say "what?" and she'll go to what she wants - water bowl, or food bowl or her leash, the door or do an invitation to play dance. Sometimes I will say no to her and i do only after acknowledging what she wanted and I tell her good dog and not right now. Everyone who interacts with her notices how happy and well behaved she is and playfull too. I had to learn that sort of communication and it makes life easier on her and I. Dogs try so damned hard to understand that I find it mean of him to trick them in that way. For him it is about control not about mutual respect - even with the dogs. It isn't his only approach yet it is distastefull to me anyway. I ask him not to do that with my dog and when he does it with his dog it is an excellent reminder to me of what he does with me also and why I cannot stay with him. I've stopped trying like dog to understand his word salad.
That is a step towards financial independence - though far from a paycheck producing step. I am taking other more direct steps too.
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