self-consciousness

[daylily as guest]

Just have to put this somewhere because I'm so discouraged.

I've started a writing workshop, which is good, but I find that I'm so self-conscious I can barely bring myself to attend.  I find that I can't really stop myself thinking--

- You don't belong here.
- All the other participants are thinking how ugly you are.
- Just keep your mouth shut because anything you say will be stupid.
- These people are all more interesting than you are.

Notice that none of this is about the actual writing.  I think, on the whole, that I write well enough to belong there--the class was not competitive to get into and is not intended for professionals.  It's about my extreme discomfort putting myself in a group of people.  And these seem like reasonable, intelligent, interesting people.  I just get all tied up in knots because I feel that because they're reasonable, intelligent, and interesting, I don't belong with them.

I know in my head that my discomfort probably isn't legitimate.  But that doesn't make it less real.  I want to feel it less, but I don't know if that could ever be true.  I'm over 40 now, and isn't there an adage about old dogs and new tricks?

Anyway, I know there are much bigger problems on the board right now, and I'm not trying to deflect attention away from them.  I'm just discouraged and weary, and it's a comfort to say it "out loud."

Best,
daylily

[Plucky]

Hi Daylily,
I'm glad to see you again.  I am not sure any of my advice will be helpful but at least my intentions are good.  

Like me and many others you have these negative tapes playing in your head.

You have heard these falsehoods so many times that you accept them as true, even though they don't really make any sense.  You are able to bypass your rational mind and still believe that everyone around you is better and you are not worthy.

No one around you has any idea you are thinking such negative things about yourself, or they would be very surprised, because those thoughts are so obviously false.

Maybe it would help to use affirmations.  Repeat to yourself a positive mantra everyday several times as a habit.  If you had, say 20 years of learning lies, then you will need a lot of affirmations.  Let's hope it does not take 20 years, but if it will, then at least at the end of that time you will be free of that little lying voice in your head that keeps you from enjoying the pleasurable life that is rightfully yours.

Focus on your strengths.  You are a good writer.  That is an excellent skill and can bring pleasure to you and others.  Just focus on that skill.  To do that, you need to go to class.

Say for a minute you pretend that the voices in your head are right.  Even if you were the ugliest person on earth, which I hasten to say you are not, but worst case scenario, would that preclude you from going to class?  I don't see why it should.

Even if all the other people were more interesting than you, which they are not because some of them have never thought so deeply about things as you have, does that mean you shoudl nto be there?  Why?

I had a friend in school who said, when she signed up for a class she knew nothing about, someone's got to be the worst in the class. Why not me?

Even if you hear the bad voices, just go to class anyway.  Just go.
Hope this helps,
Plucky (formerly Guest2)

[Anonymous]

daylily,

Thanks for sharing your anxiety and discouragement. Many moons ago, I went to some writing classes and I suck as a writer. I just wanted to meet "real" writers. They weren't published, they were just people who could write. The thing is, these people aren't judging you and they're hoping you will say something in class -- especially if it's to praise their work! Feel the fear and do it anyway.

bunny

[Brigid]

daylily,
Good for you to take the first step and sign up for the class.  The hard part is over, really.  You are a very gifted writer and I, for one, would love to have your talent (any talent, actually   ).  

Could you share some conversation with other members of the class outside of the classroom setting?  Maybe getting to know a few of them a little would make you feel less self-conscious.  I'm sure you are not alone in your fear of speaking up and looking silly, or saying something stupid.  Most people feel that way when in a group of strangers and it just takes some people longer than others to develop a comfort level.

Take pride in the fact that you have started the process and just keep taking small steps toward facing your fears and accomplishing your goal.  Whatever you do, don't stop attending the class in lieu of your fears.  Keep telling yourself that you have every right to be there and you are going to get a little more vocal each time.  You will probably be amazed at how well received you will be.  I agree with Bunny--start by complimenting someone else's writing.  You can never go wrong by saying something nice about someone else.

Hugs and blessings,

Brigid

[Plucky]

Anyway, I know there are much bigger problems on the board right now, and I'm not trying to deflect attention away from them. I'm just discouraged and weary, and it's a comfort to say it "out loud."

Wrong old tape scheduled to be erased:
- My problems are not important compared to the problems of others.
- I do not deserve attention.
- I cannot change my thinking and feeling.
- I do not deserve the help of others.
- When I want to speak, no one is interested in or will benefit from listening to me.

Brand new improved tape for immediate installation:
- My problems are important and merit the attention required by myself or others to solve them.
- My happiness is important and I will devote the time and accept help from others as needed to reach the happiness I am destined to experience.
- By posting on this board, I am helping many who post and countless others who only read by being a voice for our common experiences, problems, and issues.  I deserve the help and support I find here.
- I can develop and use my talent to reach my happiness and give pleasure to others.

a very preachy
Plucky

[longtire]

Plucky, excellent post!  

Daylily, your expectations of others from the class sound a lot like your expectations of us when you first came here.  Have your expectations about us changed since then?  Maybe your expectations about classmates might change similarly.  I don't mean to minimize your feelings about it, just trying to remind you that you may already have had experiences where things did not turn out like your negative expectations.  Reminding yourself of those experiences might help you to feel better about going to the class.

((((((((((daylily))))))))

[jophil]

Hey Plucky - Your "new tape" went straight to my printer and then on to my fridge door and another copy is stuck to my desk. Excel. post!
Hey Day lily - like Nike says - Just do it!

Johnimo

[Self-con]

Hi Daylily,

I don't really have any advice for you, just my parallel experience.  It seems we share similar insecurities...bottom line--what are they going to think about me? Better bottom line--why do I care what anyone thinks about me?...except me! (You're only forty...wait till fifty, like me) OK, here's my version of this same story.  Maybe you will feel better as I share your concerns.

I enjoy helping in many volunteer situations. I noticed I would particiate as long as I didn't have to be in charge--what if I put my foot in my mouth and can't get it out?;  if I don't commit to a position, I can't be poorly judged; what if they talk badly about my ideas behind my back?; etc. etc.    So, I would carefully and voicelessly be ?invovled?, until I began to evolve.

As an overweight teen and adult, I was always told, " You have such a pretty face." To me, this always meant "Why are you fat...you could be beautiful?...I must be stupid and lazy, too." Daylily, notice I said be beautiful, not look beautiful.  This meant, according to others, G-d gave me a gift  but I am not beautiful where it counts. Where it was up to me, I couldn't perform...or at least that's how I silently convinced myself.  I wasn't good enough to participate in group decisions because this was about my character.  As a matter of fact, it still took me some time to post here for similar reasons, I'm guessing.

Several years ago while on the PTO board at my son's elementary school, I got brave with a fund raising idea. I created and marketed a school-wide program for endangered species.  There was great support and excitement when presenting and implementing the idea. I felt stong and accepted in the company of our principals.  As the donations flowed in, I felt a sense of accomplishment and intelligence... and I learned my lesson about my fear. It was only my fear. No one else knew about it, or could feel it or see it. It only took that first step to learn to walk through it.

But then at the next meeting, it happened. I overheard our principal whisper to the PTO VP, " She is so  spirited." Of course, I clammed up and thought she must think I'm over-doing something...should I slow down, should I back-off, what now? Then it happened again. The principal complimented me when she addressed the board and asked if I had a career in marketing. But what pleased me most was when she offered to include the other 4 elementary schools participation in this wonderful opportunity.  I made a difference that year...the school started their new playground and I started my new fear factor.

I think pretty or not, fat or not, afraid or not,--we all have something unique to add. That's what makes life interesting. It still takes me pushing myself, but only when I'm not completely confident about my stance on a particular matter. So, now I try to involve myself in those things I am passionate about. When I know how I feel about something, there is nothing to second-guess.

Well, I now know it's better to be in the game. Many successful people make mistakes and that's how they know what works. The difference is successful people do what no one else will do.

I applaud you for participating in the writing workshop. Celebrate your writing and yourself through this experience. The more you participate, the more opportunity you have for growth. You'll learn about your writing, yourself, and your new feelings. Go for it and enjoy it!  Remember, you won't even have to see those people again if you don't want to...and maybe you will.  Good luck and let us know how it goes.

ps.  Your post gives me renewed bravery and encouragement, as I reminisce.  And....

I find that I'm so self-conscious I can barely bring myself to attend. I find that I can't really stop myself thinking--

- You don't belong here.
- All the other participants are thinking how ugly you are.
- Just keep your mouth shut because anything you say will be stupid.
- These people are all more interesting than you are.

Daylily, You participate here and how is this different? We see people when we get to know them. I think you're interesting and beautiful.
What do you think about what I think?

[Bliz]

Day lily,
GOod for you to sign up for the writing class.  I liked the post that replaced the negative thougths with positive thoughts. Daily affirmations can really help.  IT is the "fake it till you make it"  mentality.  

IF it makes you feel any better, most people, even the beautiful and svelte have negative tapes in their head.  There is always somebody more beaituful or more trim, rich, exciting, intelligent, friendlier, more humble, more pink,more orange...you get the idea.  

It might make you feel less slef conscious if you realize everybody has  self esteem problems.  And a friendly open nature can be much more beautiful than a cold pretty girl or boy.

[mum]

Plucky, I loved your post. You nailed it.  
Daylily: I will echo the others and say: I'll bet money not one of those people is thinking about you as you worry they are.
They are thinking about their own issues, insecurities, lives and failings.
Everybody has the inner demons.  That you are involved at all in the workshop means that you have everything you need to dispell those demons. You have fear and the ability to walk right into it and face it down. WOW.  That's the recipe of a worldbeater! Nothing more needs to be there, really.
Bunny's idea of an honest compliment is smart.  And because you have to pay attention to something other than your fear to make a genuine compliment, the results will be two fold!!!
Have fun. You deserve fun as much as anyone!!!!

[mum]

Hmmm, I will add to what Bliz has said....on the appearance issue.
 
I used to know a lot of dancers. They were body obsessed, understandably so, but even the really thin ones told me they have a tape that plays in their head (the "ballet tape" these modern dancers called it) telling them they are fat fat fat.  Unbelievable. These women were talented, athletic and IMO, super thin...but they all said, "Oh, I'm way too fat to do ballet....I would have to lose 20 pounds!"
They still had a negative tape in their head, just made less demanding by their choice of art form.

I rather doubt writers have such stringent rules of appearance...and the writers I know, are revered for thier writing alone!!!
You are a great writer, even you will admit to some talent there!  So enjoy the learning and sharing.  Tell your head to shut up and focus on this interesting experience. Great things will happen to you. You deserve it.

[October]

Anyway, I know there are much bigger problems on the board right now, and I'm not trying to deflect attention away from them.  I'm just discouraged and weary, and it's a comfort to say it "out loud."

Best,
daylily

There is a line in Nicholas Nickelby by the immortal Charles Dickens.  It says something like:

'Squeers literally feasted his eyes on the sorry figure of Smike."
Now if CD can write something as plain daft as that, then what hope is there for any of us??      

I am full of admiration for you, and I wish I could do the same. I would love to spend one evening a week with intelligent adults, talking about things that matter to them.  I can understand your concerns, though, and it must be very difficult.  I think I would bite the bullet and try to say all this out loud at the next meeting, and see whether the others have the same feelings.  If they do, then that is half the battle won.

But what a tremendous achievement!!!!!

[daylily]

Thanks to all, and especially to Plucky for that great respone.

I want to clarify that I don't think I was playing a "negative tape" by saying that my post should not deflect attention from more serious problems.  I just realized that, in the scope of what could be happening in my life or any life, this is by no means as bad as it gets.  I felt somewhat embarrassed to post at all, given, for example, our mutual concern about the Symone, the lovely teenager who is fighting for her life.  I think it's always important to keep that perspective.  

Longtire (and others)--the support I've experienced here has certainly helped me to re-evaluate my self-concept.  And that's great and valuable.  Now if I could only get myself to take those lessons "live."

But one step at a time.

Again, thanks to all.  You are an incredible bunch of people.

Daylily