My fantasy family story

[October]

In a moment of idleness I was reading threads from when I first came here, two years ago.  One of them mentioned fantasy, and I thought I would write down my family's version of who we are.

The heart of my family is my mother, who is a very loving, kindly woman, who would do anything for anyone and who has a very soft heart.  She cannot bear to see anyone in distress, and is always there with a kind word of advice.  She is a little 'highly strung' but that is only to be expected.  She loves us all very much, and would do anything for any one of us.  She trained as a nurse, and her knowledge of medicine is still extensive, and covers every area you care to mention.  My mother lives for her grandchildren, and devotes every moment of her life to caring about them and for them, and taking an interest in their lives.

Second is my very hardworking dad.  Retired now, but for all his life he worked immensely hard to support the family, and to make sure that I and my two brothers wanted for nothing.  Dad's family prides itself on not having to say soppy stuff, because that is not what matters.  Dad says that those who say it don't mean it; only those who don't say it are authentic in their feelings.

My brothers and I only have to hope to emulate these devoted parents, and follow their example in every way.

My grandparents were without exception saintly people, and an example to us all.  The maternal grandparents were rather strange, but now they are dead we are too polite to mention that.  

The paternal ones were perfect in every way.  They taught us the family code of supporting one another, showing a united front to the world, of being strong enough for anything, and never feeling pain.  Or anything else much.  They taught us how to survive.

And then we all lived happily ever after.

     

[b/k]

...and then you had to wake up.  What a stinker that was.  

I have to say, what a lovely family you have.  Where can I get one for myself?    

Butterfly

[October]

I have to say, what a lovely family you have.  Where can I get one for myself?    

Butterfly

Well, I am rather proud of them, I must say.  Salt of the earth.  It is fun writing down the unwritten myths.

Meanwhile, just found this song, which I think is very me:

http://www.7secondsoflove.com/winners/

[Plucky]

If we're talking fantasy families, yours is a bit over the top for my tastes!  Mine would be less Brady Bunch, more "Roseanne".  No offence October!

[October]

If we're talking fantasy families, yours is a bit over the top for my tastes!  Mine would be less Brady Bunch, more "Roseanne".  No offence October!

Lol!!  This is not my own fantasy.  It is my family's idea of who 'we' are.  Sorry I didn't explain that well enough.  

This is the family myth; the story I was sold.  The play I step into every time I go home, or to visit my brother and his family.  The place I stand and look around and think, can nobody else see that this is not real?  That this house is built of paper, and with foundations of sand?

[Brigid]

October,

Our mothers must have been sisters, because I was always told the same story.     Imagine my confusion when I finally saw the reality of the situation.

Sadly, I'm still hoping I can create the dream family I never had before I die.  I'm not sure my chances are all that great.

Brigid

[Plucky]

Lol!! This is not my own fantasy. It is my family's idea of who 'we' are. Sorry I didn't explain that well enough.

You did, actually, I am just thick.  

Ours was this:  divorced self-sacrificing mom devoted to kids.  Loves them both equally.  They can do anything they devote their minds to but one is lazy.   Mother never badmouths dad and loves both kids equally.  Would do anything for them (and has).  Works fingers to the bone to ensure they have everything.

[Serena]

Lol!! This is not my own fantasy. It is my family's idea of who 'we' are. Sorry I didn't explain that well enough.

You did, actually, I am just thick.  

Ours was this:  divorced self-sacrificing mom devoted to kids.  Loves them both equally.  They can do anything they devote their minds to but one is lazy.   Mother never badmouths dad and loves both kids equally.  Would do anything for them (and has).  Works fingers to the bone to ensure they have everything.

Are we sisters?

[Plucky]

Are we sisters?

Sis!  How are ya!  I wonder how many other siblings we have out there?
This board is kind if a reunion, isn't it?  Scary how many similarities there are.  Tolstoy didn't know what he was talking about - not all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way (to mis-quote horribly).

[October]

 

Ours was this:  divorced self-sacrificing mom devoted to kids.  Loves them both equally.  They can do anything they devote their minds to but one is lazy.   Mother never badmouths dad and loves both kids equally.  Would do anything for them (and has).  Works fingers to the bone to ensure they have everything.

<Sigh>  If only that were true for you, Plucky.  Sharing your grief at what never was.  

I am certain that it is the tension between this fairy story world we are meant to believe and the reality we face which causes us to lose our way.  One of my earliest posts says something like those who can see the reality cannot speak.  Only those who can deny the reality and believe the fantasy have a voice, and the voices tell lies.

To expand this further, if the voices which speak tell lies, and subvert every word, every nuance, to their lies, how can the voices which do not speak find a language of their own?  This is the problem.  Not that we cannot speak, but that we have no language which does not lie.

Hence we become Cassandra.  Doomed to speak the truth, and to prophecy the future, but never ever to be believed.  And that way madness lies.

Btw, you are not thick.   Communication is as much the responsibility of the sender as of the receiver.  If you don't 'get' what I say, it is not your fault; it is shared.  But neither you nor I are thick; just struggling to use (tainted) words to express pain.

[October]

October,

Our mothers must have been sisters, because I was always told the same story.     Imagine my confusion when I finally saw the reality of the situation.

Sadly, I'm still hoping I can create the dream family I never had before I die.  I'm not sure my chances are all that great.

Brigid

Your chances are a thousand times greater than if you didn't know the difference between an ok family and a not ok family.  

I am interested in the way you say 'finally'.  I am not sure this is a finally kind of thing.  I think there is always an element of dissonance, even in the baby and the child, an awareness that something does not fit, even if full realisation takes many years to accomplish.  Does this make any sense to you?  It is very difficult to be sure, looking back, because there were years when I do seem to have believed everything, and thought that the above description fitted my reality, but when in spite of that belief I was not happy, the only answer was to blame myself for that.   I would like to know what others think of this.

I think our siblings had the same dissonance, but for some reason they chose to go the easy way; the broad path that leads to destruction, rather than the much more difficult road of finding what is real.

[Brigid]

October,

I think there is always an element of dissonance, even in the baby and the child, an awareness that something does not fit, even if full realisation takes many years to accomplish. Does this make any sense to you?

Yes, it makes perfect sense.  I always knew I was searching for something more, but I really did not start seeing how dysfunctional my family situation was until I became a parent myself.  Over time, I realized that I was so much more in love and interested in my children than my parents had ever been with me.  I didn't criticize my kids or belittle them, nor did I ever want to.  I was so proud of all their big and little accomplishments and my life revolved around them.

It was when my parents started saying that my children were spoiled brats (absolutely untrue) and that I gave them too much attention, etc., etc. that I walked away and didn't go back.  That was the one thing they were never going to get away with criticizing me for because I KNEW I was doing a good job and my kids were great.

My only sibling--a brother, 10 years younger--has no friends and has only had one relationship with a girl, 24 years ago that lasted maybe 6 months.  His response was just to check out of developing relationships and being around other people except when he has to.  We might as well have been born on different planets, as we could not be more different from each other.

Brigid

[longtire]

To expand this further, if the voices which speak tell lies, and subvert every word, every nuance, to their lies, how can the voices which do not speak find a language of their own?  This is the problem.  Not that we cannot speak, but that we have no language which does not lie.

October, this is so powerful it made me literally gasp when I read it.

[Plucky as guest]

I really did not start seeing how dysfunctional my family situation was until I became a parent myself. Over time, I realized that I was so much more in love and interested in my children than my parents had ever been with me. I didn't criticize my kids or belittle them, nor did I ever want to. I was so proud of all their big and little accomplishments and my life revolved around them.

It was when my parents started saying that my children were spoiled brats (absolutely untrue) and that I gave them too much attention, etc., etc. that I walked away and didn't go back. That was the one thing they were never going to get away with criticizing me for because I KNEW I was doing a good job and my kids were great.

Yes!   This is the experience I had.  My children are showing me the way I ought to have been parented.  I now have a chance to correct my childhood by making theirs what it should be.

This board is so full of important insights.  Thank you Brigid!

[October]

October, this is so powerful it made me literally gasp when I read it.

Thanks Longtire.  I am learning along with you, and maybe gasping at the same time too.  It fits with my idea of English as my second language (which it isn't), because somehow my first language was a truthful one, and I have lost it.