Falling into a hole

[October]

I have another meeting at the school on Thursday, and already it is pulling me down.  I have lost the resilience I had last week, partly due to the news about David at the weekend, which is difficult for both C and me, and I now feel totally inadequate to deal with this.  I know I am not well enough to go, but I feel as if there is no choice; there is no-one else who can do this for me.

Feeling very alone.  

[dogbit]

Hi October,

Is there any sort of informal or formal parent's group devoted to special needs kids near you?  I used to advocate for families including going to meetings with them since I had been in the system for a while and they were just beginning.  I also had friends go with me when I had my own meeting with the schools.  I know this shows how dense I am, but are you in the UK?

[Anonymous]

October,

I love dogbit's idea about taking someone with you to the meeting. Can you do that? There is no law saying you have to face these morons alone, is there? I'm so sorry about David. It's truly tragic. I know how it feels to be concerned about an ex-husband, I contacted mine last week as I had a bad feeling about him. It turned out he had been hit by a car (he is ok).

sending prayers your way,
bunny

[Plucky Guest]

Hi October,
As numerous replies to your message indicate, you are not alone!

You do bear a large burden that is mainly on your shoulders, fair or not.  We are here to help you with part of that burden with understanding, listening, ideas, support, prayers, and anything else we can think of.

I wonder if the school, or whomever you are meeting with, could be persuaded to postpone the meeting, given that you have just found out that your ex and your daughter's father has been diagnosed with a terminal disease.  Could they?

Praying and pulling for you,
Plucky

[October]

I wonder if the school, or whomever you are meeting with, could be persuaded to postpone the meeting, given that you have just found out that your ex and your daughter's father has been diagnosed with a terminal disease.  Could they?

Recent behaviour indicates they would not believe it without a doctor's letter in evidence.

Sorry.  Shouldn't be cynical.  (Realistic?)

I read today that parents need to show their children how to express feelings, and in particular, how to be sad, to give them permission to be sad in their turn.  I have succeeded in showing C how to be strong and hide her feelings, and now I need to undo some of that.

So we talked today about her daddy, and C said she is scared, and I said I am scared too.  And she cried, and I hugged her and wanted to cry too, but I couldn't.  I need to cry for both of us, and I can't do it.  

I also started a 'memories' book.  Just simple things that we remember about being with her dad, such as when I first met him.  I am going to ask family and friends to add to it.  There are lots of good times to remember and put into the book for her, so that she knows the good bits too.

[Plucky]

So we talked today about her daddy, and C said she is scared, and I said I am scared too.  And she cried, and I hugged her and wanted to cry too, but I couldn't.  I need to cry for both of us, and I can't do it.

Hey October,
I think if you are expressing your feelings, and your daughter is able to do that too, and she can cry, that she is fine and you don't have to cry for HER.  So just take that little straw out of your worry bale.
On the other hand, you need to cry for YOU.   Maybe you are so used to holding it in that you can't relax that muscle.  Maybe you are afraid to start because you have so much pent up that you would lose control. 
I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I used to never cry also.  Now I can cry and it is a good thing.  Here's a suggestion.
If you need to start, you might be able to start by going to a sad film, along the lines of "Free Willy" or something reasonably harmless.  Nothing with issues remotely approaching yours.  Go by yourself in a remote place where you won't be embarrassed if you blubber.    Just let go.   Go by yourself so you won't be afraid of scaring your daughter.
Maybe this is silly but it worked for me.
Plucky


 

[October]

If you need to start, you might be able to start by going to a sad film, along the lines of "Free Willy" or something reasonably harmless.  Nothing with issues remotely approaching yours.  Go by yourself in a remote place where you won't be embarrassed if you blubber.    Just let go.   Go by yourself so you won't be afraid of scaring your daughter.
Maybe this is silly but it worked for me.
Plucky

Good idea.  I will try that later.  Meeting went ok in the end.  Can't write too much at present because of the news from London; rather upsetting.

More later.

[write]

the memory book is a great idea, I'm sure it will help unleash emotions for you all if not now, later ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))