is it good to revisit and share old narcissist crimes?

[Xenia]

My mum was/is extremely narcisisstic.  A real difficult customer. Stories about her behaviour towards myself and my brother as children run through my head and shock me again and again, year after year.  I'm incredulous that anyone could be so calous and wantonly cruel.

I want to tell stories about her - true ones. To expose her cruelty and the amazing things she has said and done. But somehow.... I feel that its not good to do, not healthy.  Its as though I'd get some sort of payoff by telling how appalling she was as a mother, and I don't know what this is about or whether there is something a bit strange about wanting to do it.  Something about not moving on, or not being able to move on.  Something about sticking with the anger - not hard to do with my unbelievable mother.  Something about taking back control from her. 

Not sure what its about, I just have this strong urge to tell and I'm not sure if its healthy, or what I expect to get by doing it. Maybe its because I am so incredulous at her behaviour, that I need to run it past other people just to confirm to myself.

[bunny]

Welcome Xenia,

Venting about your mother's cruel behavior is CATHARTIC if done in a safe, appropriate place (i.e., therapy, this group). So go ahead. It's not wrong. You will probably get a lot of validation from others who can relate.

bunny

[dogbit]

I think it is good to tell the story.  I think it is also very validating for us as people harmed.  There is something very therapeutic about just telling someone and having them listen and finding out you are not the only one.

[Moira]

I think most of us here totally relate to concept of ranting and getting revenge by telling the trtuth of our abuse. My mother was a N and it is useless to discuss same with my family because they continue to enable even though she has died. My family's memories are ones of rose coloured glasses and denial and their experiences when we get together sound so alien to mine. I've always wished in some ways that I had their tough exterieurs. Where I have found it useful is talking to my ex N's newest potential victim- although she is in denial. She did listen to what I said though instead of shutting me down or walking away. She also has obviously not shared my views with the N or he'd be o n the phone abusing me so fast it would make my head spin. I have also contacted one of his ex wives who was almost destroyed by him. He also abandoned his son after the kid no longer supplied him with limitless adoration from other women and endless opportunities to pick them up. Once his son started to grow up and bonded more with mom as well as being diagnosed Aspergers- he abandoned him and has never looked back. He made his ex feel she was crazy to the point she attempted suicide. She always knew there was something wrong with him but couldn't put her finger on it. She was grateful that she now knew what a monster he was and thanked me for my support and steering her to research on Nism. She told me she can now make sense of her marriage, the abuse and toll it's still taking on her. You have to be careful that you don't get stuck in rightousness and needing to vindicate yourself because that's as toxic to you as the alleged relationship. Also you will end up alienating some people who see the N as a poor victim. so what with those folks. There are reasons they refuse to see him for what he is and are still being exploited by him. You're not alone!

[Sela]

Hello Xenia:

Welcome.  Sorry you had such a cruel mother.  That is very sad and I'm sure it hurts a lot.  Maybe talking about what you've been through will help to release the feelings you felt back then, when events occurred?

If you feel like you want to "tell", there is definately nothing wrong with that.  There is no law that says you must keep what happened to you a secret.  Not here, for sure.

The stories keep running through your head and maybe telling them will help put them to rest?  I think this is so for some people.

 

Its as though I'd get some sort of payoff by telling how appalling she was as a mother, and I don't know what this is about or whether there is something a bit strange about wanting to do it.  Something about not moving on, or not being able to move on.

Maybe "telling" will help you to move on, if that's what you want?  Would it be so bad to get a little payoff, after what you've been through?  Especially if it is healing payoff?  When someone hurts me, I want to talk about it.  I don't think I'm strange.  Someone has hurt you and it wouldn't seem strange to me if you want to talk about it.

 Something about sticking with the anger - not hard to do with my unbelievable mother.  Something about taking back control from her.

 

Possibly you need to express that anger?  It seems natural to want to take back control of you.  If you wanted to control someone else....that would be a different thing eh?

No need to answer if you're not comfy.  Just stuff to think about.  My few pennies.

  Sela

[mudpuppy]

Hi Moira,

My mother was a N and it is useless to discuss same with my family because they continue to enable even though she has died. My family's memories are ones of rose coloured glasses and denial and their experiences when we get together sound so alien to mine. I've always wished in some ways that I had their tough exterieurs.

Enabling an N, seeing through rose colored glasses and denial are not signs of a tough exterior.
They are weaknesses and demonstrate a fear of the truth.

Be glad you're not like them.
That tough exterior is like a snail shell, inside is a little piece of mucous, only a Frenchman could love.

mudpup

[Moira]

Hi Mudpuppy- great name by the by! Thanks for your comments. I was told yrs. ago by my shrink that I was not i n fact the freak and weak one that my family labelled me as. She told me exactly what you did- that although I APPEAR to be the most vulnerable one to the abuse, I am actually the strongest one with the clearest vision. While I now embrace this, I still envy in a way my sibs ability to compartmentalize and not be affected by it. On the other hand, out of my 3 other sibs, one is herself a N- she has 2 daughters who are Ns and my youngest sis has a N daughter. Sooo....I guess my mother and our screwed up family dynamics maybe damaged them in more serious ways. I actually opted consciously not to have children based on fear- no, terror!- of reproducing any Ns- also ++ mental illness in family. Thanks for the comments!

[Sallying Forth]

My family's memories are ones of rose coloured glasses and denial and their experiences when we get together sound so alien to mine. I've always wished in some ways that I had their tough exterieurs.

Moira,
Whoa!!! Ditto for my family! My Nparents are still around and the rose colored glasses have gotten thicker over the years!

I've stopped trying to share my story with them because they come back at me defending my Nparents.

[Xenia]

I think the thing that bothers me most about wanting to 'tell' is that I feel that it is indicative of a sort of attachment to the old stories.  I'm like a terrier, hanging on to them, not being able to let go of the sense of outrage or anger.  And in the end I wish I could let it go and move on.  I've been in a therapy group before and told stuff about her, and I guess its something one has to do on a number of occasions before the sting comes out of the experiences.


Xenia

[Sallying Forth]

I want to tell stories about her - true ones. To expose her cruelty and the amazing things she has said and done. But somehow.... I feel that its not good to do, not healthy.  Its as though I'd get some sort of payoff by telling how appalling she was as a mother, and I don't know what this is about or whether there is something a bit strange about wanting to do it.  Something about not moving on, or not being able to move on.  Something about sticking with the anger - not hard to do with my unbelievable mother.  Something about taking back control from her.

I've told my story many times but never to the people who could relate to what I went through. I feel that people here on this board understand me better than anyone else I've ever shared with. My therapist listens and hears me. Yet this board is different for me. A final place to know for sure  I wasn't the crazy one in my family!

[October]

My mum was/is extremely narcisisstic.

I want to tell stories about her - true ones. To expose her cruelty and the amazing things she has said and done. But somehow.... I feel that its not good to do, not healthy. 

There could well be several tensions within, causing this troubled feeling in response to telling.  First of all, we are not supposed to wash our families dirty linen in public.  Which means however nasty the secret, you have to not tell, because that is a betrayal of the whole family.  That is what we were taught.  That is not what any loving parent would want for their child; there are good secrets, which can be kept, and bad secrets, which must be told.  These are bad secrets.

The next problem, even if you decide to tell, is to decide what is real and what is not.  Again this is a problem when you have been brought up in a family which lives by denial of truth, and by suppression of emotion (the two have to be connected).  So even when you are writing 'Mum did this' part of your head may well be saying 'perhaps I am wrong and she is innocent after all; perhaps it is me.'  This is where having a support group who is not possessed by the ghost of your (or my) mother is so useful.  We can say 'this happened, and this happened' and we can allow our friends to say, as I have often heard, that is terrible, that is inhuman, that is so cruel.  Then we can read their words and think, yes, that is true.  I had to live through this event, but I was treated with cruelty.  That is what is true.  Other people help me to connect to my own, real, emotional reactions by sharing theirs with me. 

Then there is the problem of finding the right words.  What is the word for the kind of love we were given?   What is the word for the kind of cruelty?  What does love now mean, if our parents can neglect us and call it love? 

All of which is why I have not been able to write my story, although I have tried many times.  The words lose their meaning once written down, like lemonade losing its sparkle, and they become meaningless.  So I write bits of the story here instead, and that helps.  One day I might write it all, or I might not.  I want to write how it happened.  What made us as we were.  What bits were good, and what bits were appallingly bad, but denied.

Sorry, not sure if that helps or not.  I encourage you to speak out and tell your story.  There are plenty of people here to listen and understand.

[Dazza]

I agree with Bunny and Dogbit. Instead of burying your feelings, I think it is good to talk about what happened. Not everyone will understand your situation because they might come from a normal, grounded family where love is unconditional.

One of the things that my N parents hate is to be "outed" for who they are. Sharing my stories with people who are close to me is my revenge on them!

Good luck and keep your head up, Xenia.

[Xenia]

The words lose their meaning once written down, like lemonade losing its sparkle, and they become meaningless.

That is also true for me when I write my own story or experience down, as though somehow my own perceptions are insubstantial, not concrete; but when I think about my mother's callousness, I don't get that feeling.  Her words and actions were substantial and concrete and hurt.  And I'm still angry at the arrogance and self-regard that allowed her to behave that way.

Maybe its hard to write down one's story because words cannot adequately express the immensity of the loss we suffer in having a narcissist parent.  The outrage of patterning a sense of love and self around someone who exploits and abuses you is beyond expression in words.  We never got a chance to learn how to express ourselves or feel heard in this environment.

[dogbit]

 

Which means however nasty the secret, you have to not tell, because that is a betrayal of the whole family.

October!  The little flashes of insight that we now can receive can be jolting to say the least.  I mean we are in a place right now where we have more freedom to remember and to construct some forensic psychiatry to put into words what happened.  I think it is best to finally "tell".  It is our best validation of who we are now and what happened then.  So what if we are looney tunes as the people who really didn't care about us would say.  If we can finally get a good night's sleep, it's well worth the effort.  I, in my own particular situation, finally told.  I dug my grave with my stbxh but the rebirth was worth it.  I am doing all I can to break the cycle. 

[bunny]

I think the thing that bothers me most about wanting to 'tell' is that I feel that it is indicative of a sort of attachment to the old stories.  I'm like a terrier, hanging on to them, not being able to let go of the sense of outrage or anger.  And in the end I wish I could let it go and move on.  I've been in a therapy group before and told stuff about her, and I guess its something one has to do on a number of occasions before the sting comes out of the experiences.

It's not pathological AT ALL to tell the stories repeatedly until they lose their power. Tell away....we're here.

bunny