thank you all so much for your thoughts. it really helps to have company.
dont have much time becuase im reeeeeally tired and need to sleep tonight. delphine will be here thursday!!
those who suggested meds: i do take meds.... becuase of the brain injury which disrupted the sleep center of my brain (the same center that the young girl symone had damaged.) hope she is doing well by the way.
unfortunately im taking temazepam.. been taking it for 3 years or so. without it i cannot function at all, my sleep cycles totally fall apart. im happy to have access to these or i would have a lot of trouble functioning. its been such a problem that i havent had luxury to look around for options, and so far this is the only thing thats worked. stormy im interested in learnign more about options though. i need pretty heavy duty help.
also yes, i have a 'soul connection' with her that is super deep. i know exactly what you mean and thats the problem.
we feel everything each others going through, thats why i think im having these dreams about her being tortured.
i dreamed i was pregnant with her..... 2 months before showing any physical sign. even though i hadnt ever been pregnant before, i was not planning to be pregnant, i was using birth control and had no reason to expect it, i dreamed very clearly i saw inside my body and saw the egg. then i saw the fathers hand reach in and grab the egg and stop it. i woke up knowing exactly what it meant.. then i didnt believe it for the next two months until i started showing signs. so we have been very very close from the very beginining. and its a dream connection. so these dreams really scare me.
i taught her how to do lucid dreaming, she was able to do it on her first try, just like me

however, neither of us then did it again. but we havent tried either. we are good with dreaming, its a family thing, and our dreams are always very accurate. thats a big reason why these dreams are so scary for me. ive never been able to have any control over these particular dreams. they totally overwhelm me. a few years ago we made a pact to meet in our dreams. but it was difficult becuase when i cant sleep, i cant dream either. id like to work on this much more.
so to go onto what sela said.... id really like help working with these dreams. in the beginnniing, they were AWFUL.
i always saw her alone and without clothes, in an isolated place, often tied to a tree or something in the middle of some lonely abandoned place, she was always terrified and alone, and looking for me. she was little at that time, only 8.
she had been kidnapped by very bad people. she was terrified. i had to watch these horrible people, criminals and drug addicts... she was just a little girl, she was tortured, s*xually tortured.. and they killed her. i had to watch and could do nothing at all. they were very graphic and extremely disturbing in the beginning. they recurred at least every month. i have dozens of them recorded. you can imagine how disturbing that would be.
i mean, it was really awful. i would wake up just in hysterics becuase it was like it really happened, and over and over too. a lot of people have asked if the little girl in these dreams is me..... i dont see how. after a lot of thought i think it represents my grieving. she *was* kidnappend from me, it *was* a violent rape, and the girl she was, is dead. at one point last year, i dreamed i saw her bitten by a snake. i was holding her hand as she died. i could see the poison creeping across her eyes. she was looking at me like saying she was sorry, she couldnt help it. the poison was too strong. i think that was the end, where she succumbed emotionally and went into their illusion to survive. at that point, she wasnt being killed, she had been killed. they got to her.
now in the dreams i am often just telling people that my daughter was killed, like it happened in the past. its still sad but i dont have to watch it and live it. i also think it represents what she is going through. becuase she has no clothes.. and is tied up.. she is unprotected, she has no protection as a little girl from what is going on. theres always a huge sense of wasted potential and the feeling that she is desperately looking for me to come help her but i cant.
so far ive had very little luck working with these dreams. anyway there it is. thanks for helping me talk it out. theyve been extraordinarily disturbing and stressful.
take care all.
anna
oh - as another example of our 'connection'. i never told her about these dreams...... but she sent me a letter last year with a drawing in it of a wolf and a little piece of poetry: "just becuase Im a girl doesnt mean I cant be the stuff of nightmares"......