Nmom on antidepressants

[Enlightened]

Hi everyone.  Thank you Dr. Grossman for keeping the board alive!     Well after all the self-imposed stress my 80-yr old Nmom put on herself,  she is now on anti-depressants.  Background:  Last October, on a whim, she moved out of state to be closer to her granddaughter (Gd) and 3 great-grandkids.  Gd didn't know grandma had problems yet.  Grandma acted out, cussing in front of the great-grandkids, etc.  They confronted her by setting boundaries.  Angry, gram ran away for 7 days.  They/we called the police and registered her as a missing person. She was located & contacted by police via credit card charges, but still didn't call anyone.  She told the police to call us and say she was alright!     Later, when GD told her how worried she was, and how gram ripped her heart out, all gram could say was "when you called the police you humiliated me!". . .  

So Gd told gram their relationship was severely damaged and it would take a long time to trust her again.  Gd  didn't KNOW all this about grandma, but all of her aunts did and she didn't believe us.  Now she does.  Nmom called me during that time, and I never returned her calls (1st time in 50 years).  So she finally called my older sister and asked her to take her to the dr. for medication for panic attacks and depression.

My question is will meds help?  I KNOW she needs therapy, but at 80 I doubt she'd go.  I'm still amazed she went to the Dr. but as they say, it usually takes a CRISIS first.   She seemed relieved when he called it a "disease" instead of saying she was crazy, which she feared.  It's been over a month since all this started, she's been on meds for 2 weeks. Dr. said it may take several weeks for her to feel better.

Do anti-depressants help narcissists in anyway?  I'm thinking that you can't change this personality disorder.  If anything, she may not act out as often.  Or she will, but it will be more subdued.   Any input would be appreciated!  Good to be back!  Take Care!  

[Neko]

Hi Enlightened,

I can't give any general responses, but perhaps my experience with my n-mom will be helpful in some way. Just keep in mind that all Ns are different, of course

My mother was put on anti-depressants about seventeen years ago - if I recall correctly, she started out on Prozac. It did help a bit, in that she was a bit slower to anger and had brief moments where she recognized our existence (my brother and I). On the other hand, she felt that her doctor had fooled her by diagnosing her with depression and putting her on a medication that was in fact "for crazy people". So my mom took her dosages into her own hands, going through periods without taking Prozac at all - which was sheer hell on earth considering the withdrawal - and then after months of us desperately trying to convince her to go back on, would realize that maybe, after all, the Prozac did help, so would start taking it again. Her doctor figured out that she'd gone off it herself even though she didn't tell her, thank goodness, and the prescription was continued with strict instructions to follow it to the letter and consult the doctor before messing around with anything.

My mother went through another one of the cycles anyway, and found a new tactic: she went to a different doctor, complained that her old one wasn't trustworthy etc. - the usual N backstabbing - and was put on a different antidepressant, with the same results.

She's been on four or five different medications over the years, all with the same effect: an initial "top of the world" period where she's heaven on earth to everyone except her own family (although almost livable), followed by her paranoid self thinking that the doctor has tricked her into taking "crazy people pills", after which she goes off of them without consulting her doctor. Her favorite thing to do is read up on every possible use of the medication she's on, find something like "may be prescribed for [whichever serious mental disorder]" and then claim that she can't possibly take it because she doesn't have THAT.

Her going off the medication without being properly overseen then causes withdrawal, which only serves to aggravate her narcissism. She'll bask in the attention of everyone trying to convince her to go back on the medication, sucking the entire family and all her friends for all the sympathy and worry they're worth, finally agreeing - when everyone is purely exhausted from supporting her - to go back on. She levels out to a tolerable state of existence (I mean tolerable from the point of view of a narcissist's child, so basically just a nicer level of hell), and convinces her doctor to prescribe her a different one because she "doesn't like the side effects of the one she's taking". The doctor, having no idea that my mom has gone cold turkey for a period of time, acquiesces and the cycle begins once more.

(Just a side note, I no longer allow her to ask me for advice about her mental state. Likewise she isn't allowed to give me "advice" about mine I also live very far away and so never have to deal with it directly. But according the few normal people in my family who still have to be around her, nothing's really changed.)

As your mom's older, perhaps the initial golden period would last? It all depends on how paranoid she is about being seen as crazy, I think.

[Anonymous]

Hi Enlightened   For a moment there, I thought I'd made your post myself and forgotten all about it!  My mother is also 80, recently bereaved and on anti-depressants.  

As far as I understand it, the anti-depressants can only help the depression which comes after a crisis in which the blinds start to come down on reality.  So as they get less depressed, I guess the narcissism pulls up the blinds again and you're back to square one.

But Diazepam really seemed to kick-start her into living normally.  We had some rational conversations for the first time in decades. Unfortunately, it soon wears off and is addictive so was only prescribed for a short time.

I think you're right that there is no cure - at least not unless they have real motivation and most don't (as far as I understand it, it's part of the disorder itself).   Also, there are fewer resources for the elderly.  I believed there was a window of opportunity after my father died in which my mother was open to a different kind of life and would have accepted help, but the medical resources moved too slowly and it was very quickly too late.

She then threatened suicide because I said I needed to take a couple of days out (because I wasn't coping too well myself) and then 'flounced off' for a stay in hospital!!  I shared what I had started to discover about NPD by writing to the hospital.  It took all my courage, but NPD is not recognised as a separate disorder here in the UK and it appears that they have decided not to communicate with me.   And now I assume they just think I'm an irresponsible weakling of a daughter, not doing my duty.  That's so far from the truth.  But I feel desperately alone in all this.  
G

[rosencrantz]

That last message was from Rosencrantz!

[Enlightened]

Thank you Neko & Rosencrantz for taking the time to reply to my post on drug treatment for my Nmom.  The info you shared was very informative.  A lot of what was shared confirmed my thoughts.   Only time will tell whether my Nmom will stop her meds on her own, or do something else to seek attention.

At least I am not too optimistic so I won't have the "letdown".  I love my Nmom (only because she's my mom), but I do NOT like her behavior and will not feed her N supply.  Luckily I live far away an only have to deal with her via the phone, which has stopped recently and I'm relieved.      Kind Regards