seeing N craziness everywhere?

[vunil]

Ok, I am starting thread right and left, but anyway, here is something else that I have noticed in my 6 months of learning more about my family (and all of you all's crazy N  families/husbands/brothers!):

There are a lot of nutty people in the world. Maybe it's this culture, but the nuttiness seems to be especially likely to have N tendencies.

I think (1) I trained myself not to notice it after a lifetime of it, and (2) because I didn't notice it, or accepted it, I ended up with it all around me, in my career (I chose the most N of careers, I think), in my relationships, friendships, everything.

But even apart from that. It's rampant!  I recently hired someone to work on my house who was utterly incompetent (everything has to be redone now).  When it was pointed out that for instance nails were sticking out of the wall (the pointy end), he would look very indignant, and say "those aren't nails, they are screws!"  And stomp off.  Finally, he said to me that I had "made him" flustgered and that he "couldn't work like this."  He never once, even when things were cracked right through or completely falling apart, admitted to a bit of mistakes or wrongdoing.  Everything was my fault, in fact, and (he told me) his work was wonderful, first rate, grandiosely wonderful, how things were done.  Luckily I found someone to take over who is genuinely wonderful and not like that at all.

But-- Etc.  At work at least a third of the interactions seem to be people pompously declaring utter b.s.  which ranges from just a shading of the truth to an out and out lie.  Many of the interactions appear to be just one person projecting onto another and the other returning the favor-- just ridiculous.  It makes it uncomfortable to be there because everything seems to be met with a competitive arrogant response.

I've gotten so I can barely bear to watch television interviews because the celebrities (and politicians) are so N that it grates.

Anyway.    Anyone else started noticing this?  I know there is a possibility I am overusing/overapplying the term.  But honestly I don't think I am!

[rjtal29]

I can honestly say that thank god I have mostly experienced it with my Ex, but that is enough for a lifetime!!!!  If I had to deal with people like him on a regular basis, I think I would go completely nuts!  However, when I saw a clip of the interview with
Tom Cruise talking about Psychiatry, it totally reminded me of my ex.  That's a really scary thing an N with loads of money and fame. 

[rjtal29]

I just read your other threads now and I just saw what you said about Tom Cruise.  That is so wierd!!  I  didn't even see the whole interview and I said to my husband, "Tom Cruise is a Narcissist, I know for sure b/c I saw this interview with him and he sounded EXACTLY like my ex!! I think my husband thought I was a little nuts but I was so adamant about it!  It's so great to know that others see it too!  This is better than therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[vunil]

That was something, wasn't it?  It was really just something to watch.  That Matt Lauer would have the audacity to seem like he kind of might disagree-- Cruise actually makes waving motions with his hands as if to say "off with his head!  I dismiss him!"  I will say it was awesome tv.  And if anyone ever needed to see the dark side of N, there it was.  Just his anger in his eyes before he tried to cover it up-- and the pomposity.  He might as well have said "but I am the one who knows ALL! Why are you questioning me?"  Sure seemed familiar.

I guess a good goal is to de-N-unize one's life. I am trying to do that, and it has been rewarding.  But I had a pretty N populated life, so it takes time. 

[OR]

I didn't see the Tom Cruse interview, is there another thread that has his comments?

I watched some movies this weekend and all I could see is N's.

Zoolander, What about Mary and Waterboy.

They are funny movies and joke about how people are so vain, in Zoolander.
How the boyfriend is willing to appear like the soul mate to get what he wants from Mary.
The mother who is willing to lie and make herself so Ill the son will not leave her to marry.

OR

[vunil]

Here is the clip-- you can also find ones of him on Access Hollywood that are priceless:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8343367/

I think this list will appreciate old Tom better than anyone.  He will definitley ring bells for most of us.  Worth a watch!

I agree about those movies-- some actors are just beautiful at portraying narcissism.  I thought Anchorman was funny on that score, too.  But there always is an underlying sense that narcissism is "lovable" and that "deep down" the N is actually a great person.  Probably doesn't do us any good to be told that, in the long run (given it usually isn't true, in real life).

[mudpuppy]

Hi Vunil,

I'd say you are noticing this behavior everywhere because of what the experts call.......age.  Or maybe experience is a more polite term.
At least that's what I attribute it to in my case.
All those behaviors I used to dismiss or laugh off in my youth seem less benign and inconsequential as I've reached middle age.
Kind of like the blinders have come off to see just how whacky most people are.
The fact is, generally speaking, older people are wiser than youngsters. Not smarter just wiser. It comes from getting kicked in the teeth by so many weirdos over the years.
It doesn't mean we have to be more cynical as we recognize the basic weirdness of so many people, but we shouldn't stick our heads in the sand either.
Lots and lots of people are just selfish, incompetent nuts.
The trick is to spot them and and steer them toward each other so they leave us alone.

mudpup

[Brigid]

Hi Vunil,
Where I seem to be seeing all the n craziness is with the many divorces that are happening in my community right now.  The culprits generally are the male members of the couples, but I know of a few women as well.  You do start to think that maybe you are the crazy one because its so prevalent.  I'm sure some of the people I discuss this with do think I'm nuts and such things as narcissism do not really exist.  I am seeing much more of it among people in the 40-55 year old age group who have been married for 15-25 years.  Someone asked in another thread if n's got worse with age and I definitely think that they do.

Brigid

[write]

I think there are many people with narcissistic TRAITS all around, more so here in America where there's a sort-of cult of appearing perfect amongst some people, and the veneer ends up shallow, brittle and self-obsessive...it's also encouraged by so many people seeking to make money- telling people they can be more beautiful, more virile, richer etc Even religion is 'advertised'.

Narcissistic personality disorder is probably less common, I'd guess.

But it's good you're spotting the traits so easily now, right? You'll be more likely to question your doubts in relationships and trust your instincts with eg the workman.

You probably have a lot of feelings bottled up so when you see narcisissm it makes you angry; I was like that for ages, and in particular angry when people didn't seem to get what they deserved and just went on merrily whilst I was left hurt or picking up the pieces.

Therapy helped a lot.

[mum]

Extremely well put, Write!

in particular angry when people didn't seem to get what they deserved and just went on merrily whilst I was left hurt or picking up the pieces.

And this I relate to soooo well. This is exactly what make us 'stuck" in hurt and resentment...and the N's are certainly whistling down the lane while we struggle out of the mud they pushed us into.  Letting go of needing them to get thier just desserts has made a lot of difference in my life as well... (although there are moments where I would love them to get what's coming to them....but they might. It's just not up to me).

[vunil]

I don't wish they would get their just desserts, except for the ones in charge of lots of people's destiny.  Then I really have lots of fantasies about getting rid of them-- this is new for me in pregnany and i believe has to do with protecting my young or something.  The other night I had a dream that I was a vampire and I ate Karl Rove!  Sorry to say something political, and I know some may like him, but I find him evil and smug and very N and in my dream I dispatched with him.  I think my subconscious knows that the real world will never punish him for the things he does, and wants to make things "right."  I used to have a much more forgiving and nonviolent subconscious   Now I regularly have dreams in which I lure evil (imo) leaders into underground bunkers and make them live there forever, and versions of that.  You'll be happy to know that in my dream I put bin Laden on trial and made him watch videos of 9-11 over and over to show him what he had done.   ! 

In my real life, I have been having these really strong fantasies/urges to dispatch with people the minute I know they are going to be bad news-- especially if they try to manipulate me or lie to me.  So, when the carpenter lied to me for the 5th time or whatever I had this very strong urge to push him away from me, physically.  It was really funny (I didn't actually do it).  I had lots of visions of opening the door and saying "OUT!"  Now I realize I should have done just that.  The other night I almost hung up on my mother as she droned on about why the name I chose was awful.  And I had to really resist telling her just not to come here when the baby is born.

In the end, I think these urges are healthy.  They are my way of acting out a private pledge to not let any more of my life be ruined by N madness, and to keep it away from my child.  It's just interesting how literal the fantasies are!

[October]

 

In my real life, I have been having these really strong fantasies/urges to dispatch with people the minute I know they are going to be bad news-- especially if they try to manipulate me or lie to me. 

Remind me not to fall out with you, Vunil!!   

Sounds like the mother tiger is coming out in you, and quite right, too!!!!!!!  As for the name, that is your decision.  You carry the child, you choose the name, imo.