Author Topic: How to prevent damage to children from Narcissistic father?  (Read 9250 times)

Sela

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Re: How to prevent damage to children from Narcissistic father?
« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2005, 12:22:17 AM »
Hi all:

I'm glad to hear that you're not the "crazy one", Rjtal29!!  (I wasn't worried a bit, by the way! :D)

If I were in your situation, I would get some real serious legal advice, from more than one source.  You may have a good chance of changing the custody order, at some point.  You said your children think their father is the greatest, so that won't really help, right now.

Things can change.   Hang in there!  Maybe once you fine tune your non-reactions to his nonsense, he'll get very little out of you and having the children around?  Or....he may find a new honey to work on?  Or....the kids may see him more as he is, as they get a bit older, and form a different opinion?   Who knows?

Sela

Cadbury

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Re: How to prevent damage to children from Narcissistic father?
« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2005, 03:17:23 AM »
I'm not positive, but I would think that if you were to have "new concerns" relating to your ex and his personality disorders then you would have grounds to go back to court and fight for full custody. However, I can't remember the ages of your children, but I seem to remember that they are old enough to have an opinion. Therefore, the court will want to ask them their opinion. If they are happy as they are (whatever your worries) then a court is unlikely to change the arrangements. I know how frustrating that can be, especially when you know how bad your ex is for them. If your children aren't happy with him then you have a really strong case to change the arrangements. If I were you, I would do what the last poster said - get legal advice. Good luck, keep in there!

OR

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Re: How to prevent damage to children from Narcissistic father?
« Reply #17 on: July 29, 2005, 08:10:00 AM »
RJ, I was thinking the courts knew of the diag for NPD and your EX was given custody. 

Quote
Histrionic Personality Disorder and NPD

Im not sure what Histrionic PD is ?


Monday, the judge will be looking at an evaluation done 4 yrs ago by WC. he has N and some other abnormal findings. I wondered if having the evaluation helped,  but sounds like for you the courts are not aware of this.


My H will not effectively communicate with me, I ask him to respond and I get a buch of crazy talk.
I sent him papers certified mail but he will not pick them up. Monday he may walk into court not knowing I have this evaluation about him because he never picked up the papers.

My H thinks I will be in CA with our 12 yrs old, but  I will be on the phone for the hearing, he would have known this too, it was in the papers. 

My H not picking up the papers worked out for me, he would have been PIST!, dwelling on the information he would have to deny, so now he will be unprepared. Monday will be intresting!!!!

D has cheer camp this AM, she signs up for her 8th grade class, Im on vacation until the 8th.
got to go .

OR   

rjtal29

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Re: How to prevent damage to children from Narcissistic father?
« Reply #18 on: July 29, 2005, 09:12:36 AM »
Or,
How did you get the courts to look at an evaluation from 4 years ago?  Sounds like you could very possibly win your case, just from his lack of response.  Don't let him scare you into giving up and settling.  That's what I did and I regret it to this day.

I would love to figure out where to get legal advice without going completely broke!  My legal bill from my divorce was close to $20,000.00 and I still haven't paid it off.  It's also important to find someone who has expertise dealing with personality disorders and custody issues.  It's not an easy thing to find unless you have an endless supply of money.

I got some names from Legal Aid at the courthouse for attorneys who work at a discounted rate.  We will see if they are any good. 

Does anyone have any experience filing motions for contempt? My ex does not follow what's in our Settlement Agreement.  He is supposed to split everything with me for the kids 50/50 and he doesn't.  He also never returned my belongings after our divorce.  My stuff is still in his house (3rd residence after being evicted from the last 2) in boxes from his last move almost a year ago and my children know he has all of my personal belongings, including my baby photos!!!! More than 200 of them!  Isn't that sick????????? We have been divorced for 3 years!

I am going to change my screen name to RJ for those of you that need to know.

Sela

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Re: How to prevent damage to children from Narcissistic father?
« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2005, 11:20:42 AM »
Hi Rj:

So sorry your ex is such a creep!  Keeping your baby pictures!  How juvenile!  Like they have any use or meaning to him......only to hurt you, I bet!!  Jerk!!

Hopefully, the legal aid lawyers will give you some advice.  I totally get the money problem and it's a big one.  One thing.....could you do some research into the laws on your own?  Up here in Canada, one can file most paper work oneself and deal with the courts alone.  It's a scary process but it's better than nothing, if lack of money makes it impossible to hire a lawyer.  Judges award custody and make support orders regularly and people get advice from lawyers who work at the court house, called:  duty counsel (lawyers take turns acting as duty counsel) Certainly, knowing the information about your legal position could be helpful in deciding if there is a way to make changes?  The library should have law books etc.  It is time consuming though.

Sela

OR

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Re: How to prevent damage to children from Narcissistic father?
« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2005, 03:16:21 PM »
RJ, 
Quote
How did you get the courts to look at an evaluation from 4 years ago? 



 OSC, (order to show cause ) to keep custody of our D, H wants custody and us to move back to CA.
This is the hearing set for monday. I produced this evaluation along with why I felt I should have custody.
I pray the judge will not throw it out or make lite of it.

The thing about the pictures, my H had a wierd thing about pictures, everytime any pictures ie, school, trips etc, he would take them to his storage place. I asked over and over for him to bring them back to the house I wanted to send our D's school pictures to family, he never would.  I did manage to gather some when I moved I had tucked them away, It used to bug me.
He would never put pictures on the wall either, I would hang them up and he would find some reason to take them down.  He would move the furniture so the pictures needed to move, but would not hang them back up. I think there must be something with N's and pictures.


We just got back from my D's cheer camp she won a trip to be in the Huston Thanksgiving Parade.
(I have to pay for the trip of course and the hotel stay for 4 days )

She is so happy and won a gold metal.
20 girls got picked our of 200-300 girls, it was very special.
We are going out to get her a specail lunch.



Got to go...........OR   




mum

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Re: How to prevent damage to children from Narcissistic father?
« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2005, 05:27:32 PM »
Hi, R.  I have been away, and am just now reading this thread. I, too, have joint custody (I have primary) with an idiot, who (hard to believe) is just like your ex.  I am always surprised at how many of them there are....

I know the catch 22 you are in:  the one thing (or three!) in your life that you would give your life for....is your children.  This is also the one thing that your awful ex and you share...and the one thing that he will use to punish you with.  Why? Because you care about your kids.  If my ex fell off the earth, the planet would be a much better place....and I wouldn't care a bit, or even notice, because I would no longer have any thing to do with him.  But what are we to do?  Not care for our children?  Rather unlikely!!!

My ex Nidiot takes me to court repeatedly.  I wanted to move two years ago (we have been divorced 9 years), and he fought me, even though he travels extensively throughout the world, leaving sometimes for as long as 6 to 8 months (visiting every few a bit).  I lost the case to take my kids with me, and lost the appeal as well (or half of it, they reversed part).  Anyway, he now has taken me back to court to reduce his child support.  He LIVES for negative interaction with me.  He has not let go of me one bit. He is remarried, and why his wife puts up with his obsession with bullying me is beyond me (and I don't really care).
Unfortunately, I don't have any Psych testing on him.  Oh well.  My kids are teenagers, and mostly get what he is all about, but are also intimidated/feel sorry for him....just like I was.  However, they are with me mostly, and I am such a different type of person than he is, that it is ALMOST benificial for them to see how a (reasonably) healthy person does life.  They will be able to see options now....and it infuriates him to see that they mostly choose to be loving and optimistic, despite his iron fist of negativity and lies.

I was also under duress when I agreed never to leave this county during the original divorce negotiations.  He still had such a grip on me psychologically, that I am shocked more judges don't recognize those agreements as temporary anyway. Now, after 2 years and more than an entire years' salary gone to litigation....I don't have a ton of faith in family court.  If you go to court, you will spend a lot of money.  That's a given.  But if I had the kind of paperwork you have on him, and the knowledge of how getting the heck away from him would have improved my life, I would do it in a heartbeat.  But the father's rights folks are well heeled, financially, and very dirty players...(a bunch of N's sticking together, I guess), so there is support for fathers NO MATTER WHAT. My ex sees the children as tools/pawns/collateral, all of which makes it tough for us who are so in love with our children we would throw ourselves in front of a train to save them (something these N's really use to thier advatage!!).

So, what to do?  Start moving out of the energy between you two.  He thrives on it.  You will thrive when you get out of it.
Sela and others offered great, concrete advice.  Start working on yourself.  Start loving yourself first.  Let what he does and what he says flow out of your emotions like so much dog feces you don't want to hold!! Just let it all go. Find ways to meditate, read books that bring you peace and to a higher consiousness.  Find a therapist who can help you deal with such ongoing attacks (yup, they will keep on going.....and despite appearances toward the contrary, I do not always have a duck's back with this stuff).

Mostly, keep your chin up.  Not being still married to this jack*** is the best thing you EVER did for your children.  And don't feel TOO sorry for yourself or your kids. This is all part of life, of learning. Some of the best lessons hurt the most.  Remember, too, that kids really only need ONE good parent to be ok...and you are it!!!

mum

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Re: How to prevent damage to children from Narcissistic father?
« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2005, 08:51:44 PM »
 
Quote
However, they are with me mostly, and I am such a different type of person than he is, that it is ALMOST benificial for them to see how a (reasonably) healthy person does life.


Well, that's what I get for writing quickly (or at all) when my 13 year old is in and out of the room.  What I meant was that it's almost to thier benefit to have a jerk for a dad, so they can see the difference with a not a jerk mom.  Whew. Welcome to my mind!!! I swear I make sense in real life!

But the part of not wanting my daughter to see what I write here, is that other sticky part of co parenting with an a**hole. It's her dad.  As much of a low life as he is, she's not going to here it from me.  She has a right to form her own decisions. Not that I lie to her (heck no) but let's just say, I bite my tongue a lot (hey maybe that's why I can't write...no wait.....communicate....)