Well, I'm Back

[FlowerGirl]

Hello ...

It has been months since I wrote. I felt as though I was taking more than I was giving to this board. I felt guilty about that. So I left. But now, the pain is too much... so I am turning back to a group who always helped.

I decided, after alot of thinking, and after getting a card from him - that I wanted to write to my dad. I hadn't talked to him in years because my mother hates him. So I told my mother before writing to him. And she acted completely okay with it. I mean, I was shocked. but she said she understood that I needed to talk to him. So, I wrote him an email. I can't tell you the calm I felt from writing him...

She just called (4 days later) and said that she was not going to talk to me anymore. She can't handle that I'm talking to my father. As soon as I decide not to talk to him anymore or he dies, I am welcome back in her life. She says it isn't "making me pick".. I already picked. She's just making me live with my decision. Or something.

I'm so torn. honestly, not talking to her wouldn't be all bad. in recent weeks, she complains more and more about how I put her on edge because she can't treat me "natually" and has to think before she talks (gosh! the bounderies!) .. and she's constantly asking me to treat her better. I think she's threatened by a new (very very very new) relationship in my life as well.  And she tells me how I'm nothing like her. because I love animals. (oh, gosh. and you'd think I was a crack addict. Bring on the puppies!)

I'm tired of her. I really am. And I hate the ultimatum. But the point of this was that I was DONE cutting people off. Why! Why is this happening? I swear, I am not asking for the world here... just a little peace...

Thank you all - and thank you for letting me write again. I hope I can be a better member this time.

--FlowerGirl

[write]

a better member? Just because your mother has spent a lifetime throwing up hoops for you to jump through and prove you're worthy- the rest of us don't think that way!
I'm really glad to see you here, and to hear your voice!

Post as much as you like, that's what the boards here for, so there's people who understand and can share your journey out of n-world.

Your mother is probably jealous- you want to try to make some sort of relationship with your father, you have a new friend on the scene...and you clearly don't listen to her like you used to! Cutting the relationship is her way of having some power; she clearly isn't enjoying you setting boundaries and living healthy relationships, so her insecurity makes her act the only way she knows how.

A healthier person might still act out but could say on some level 'I'm jealous' or 'I'm worried you won't have time for me etc'. Your mum doesn't have the mechanism to do this, she would maybe see it as 'lowering herself' or some other concept that narcissists have for emotional currency.

You're doign fine; it's you mother is getting left behind because she cannot or will not adapt. And you've moved on.

Good luck with your dad and new relationship.
And don't apologise for being here: we're lucky to have you!

[mum]

I'll ditto what Write said....I didn't know there was a rating scale on good or bad members....surely I would fall in the latter (depending upon the criteria ).
Don't worry about anything....we're all in this together, no matter what our needs may be.

I am sorry you feel torn between parents....geez, I hope my kids don't feel that too much when they are adults (although if you read the dog thread, you know it's happening now).
I think perhaps it might be nice for you to stop worrying about everyone else's opinion...mom's or dad's, and follow your own intuition and heart on this one.  Mom is flipping out.  She needs to find some peace and that is never found through anyone else (even our own children, I sure do know that)...
So, what do you want?  You're a good person, you are not trying to hurt anyone.  So go with your good intention.  Say, gee, sorry you feel that way....and let her own her feelings.  It's not fun, but you don't have to "cut' anyone off......simply see what you will and will not allow....and those are your boundaries.  Close the lid on taking on her pain.  Yeah, I know, sounds easy... but you can do this.
Sending you lots of light....relax, you are a good person.....

[October]

I decided, after alot of thinking, and after getting a card from him - that I wanted to write to my dad. I hadn't talked to him in years because my mother hates him. So I told my mother before writing to him. And she acted completely okay with it. I mean, I was shocked. but she said she understood that I needed to talk to him. So, I wrote him an email. I can't tell you the calm I felt from writing him...

I'm tired of her. I really am. And I hate the ultimatum. But the point of this was that I was DONE cutting people off. Why! Why is this happening? I swear, I am not asking for the world here... just a little peace...

Thank you all - and thank you for letting me write again. I hope I can be a better member this time.

--FlowerGirl

Trouble with Ns is that they can pretend to be human for just so long, and then the cracks begin to show.  Then finally, they fall to pieces.

Your mother said it was fine for you to talk with your father.  So you did.  Then you felt calm, which is a way of saying that it was the right thing to do; your body felt at peace with it.  So well done you!!!

Then she changed her mind, and tried to manipulate you into deciding to drop contact again.  But she pretends this is 'your decision', and that you have a choice, and that you already made it.  It is not.  It is her decision.  She wants you to forget him again, and go back to her.  Your choice was for both.  Her choice is for him or me.

Your mother is trying out a little boundary marking of her own.  Bless!!  I think it might be sensible to call her bluff, and just say, ok, if that is what you want, then fine.

I suspect that she will not be able to sustain losing touch with you, though.  You are a very loving and giving person.  Why would she throw that away for no good reason?  If you were not so loving I would suggest telling her to go to hell, and that whether your dad dies or not, you don't want anything to do with her.  But I think that would be beyond you to say or do.

But it is really good to see you back here again.  And as for taking more than you give, I always feel that way about myself.  But I haven't heard anyone else here accuse me of it as yet ...  I suspect they are all too busy feeling the same way about themselves.   

[FlowerGirl]

Thank you all for your replies. 

As everyone except me anticipated, she did call back. She decided, basically, that she didn't want to cut me off. Well, she decided to make things work. I am a little proud of myself for not caving in. For not just dropping everything and meeting her demands. Oddly, it wasn't as hard as it used to be. I just said ... alright, fine. And I wrote big long posts on this web site

I am sure this is not the end of the drama. I am absolutely positive that this will come up again and again. However, I am going to take my respite as it comes, and hope that things improve (gradually) over time.

When these things happen... I always yearn for nothing more than a strong feeling of calm. I just want quiet and peace... does anyone else feel that way? I have a wierd compulsion for a bit of quiet...   Usually, I would go hug a dog at the shelter (which is not always quiet... ) but alas, this week I cannot. Can you guys relate?   Most of my friends like a bit of excitement in their lives. I just want quiet...

Thanks again, all...

--FlowerGirl

[mum]

I certainly can relate to wanting peace, Flower Girl.
What you did is wait a bit, without reaction and things worked out. At least temporarily, but that's all you need, reallly, and all any of us can ever get. Moments. We can't control anything else.  You stuck with your own intention, which was not bad at all. And you didn't take on your mom's issues.  So she dealt with them.
I think people who want all the excitement in thier lives....well, they might not have big N's creating already for them, and so that excitement is not usually nasty stuff.  Maybe when we deal with N's all the time....peace and quiet sounds nicer to us.
Not sure. But if it's what you want, then just take those moments as they come.

[October]

As everyone except me anticipated, she did call back. She decided, basically, that she didn't want to cut me off. Well, she decided to make things work. I am a little proud of myself for not caving in. For not just dropping everything and meeting her demands. Oddly, it wasn't as hard as it used to be. I just said ... alright, fine. And I wrote big long posts on this web site

I am sure this is not the end of the drama. I am absolutely positive that this will come up again and again. However, I am going to take my respite as it comes, and hope that things improve (gradually) over time.

Thanks again, all...

--FlowerGirl

I can absolutely relate to wanting and needing peace and calm.  That is all I ever want, but life kind of gets in the way!!

The Buddhists say that you can find peace in the moment between breathing in and breathing out.  Sometimes that is the only place to find it, in the whole world, but at least if you know it is there it can help.

I am soooo pleased that your mother did the sensible thing and rang you again.  That is a big victory for you!!  Well done for standing your ground.     Now I can have a bit of compassion for your mum and think she is clearly threatened by this situation and thinks she is going to lose you; she threatened abandonment to prevent you from abandoning her first.  If you think it is right, then a nice gesture to show her that this will not happen might help her to feel safer; as long as you stand your ground in the process.

[FlowerGirl]

Yes.. the need for peace is overwhelming for me. I feel good for having won this minor battle... but I know it doesn't end. You're right, Mum and October. you take that peace where it comes. I often feel like I am filling up on it when I'm happy... like, when i'm hugging puppies at the pound. I feel like its all that peace, filling up. (even though they are quite loud and often energetic... )

Does anyone else feel like it is a neverending battle? I mean, I dont mean to be horrid - but until one of us kicks the bucket, this isn't going to end, is it?

--FG

[mum]

 

I feel like its all that peace, filling up

Flowergirl: this is exactly how I retrained my body to do life in a happier way. It's habit/pattern to be happy or sad, most of the time. So when I have those happy moments,I fill myself up with them and really pay attention to how that feels.  Later on, maybe when things are not necessarily bad or stressful, I sit still and feel what that is like again....remember the feeling.
I practice a  lot. Hey, my thoughts are my own....if I want to feel what it's like to live on that farm I've always wanted....why is that less legitimate than thinking about my "problems"?
Anyway, then when things ARE stressful, I can drop the feeling I don't want and replace it with that good one again.
When I first realized I could do this, it was great, but then when I REALLY got into another emotional jam, I started reacting in my "old" way, getting livid for days on end, obsessing over the need to "solve" the issues at hand, torturing myself with worry and wishing things were different.....never having a moment's peace. Then I got really sick, physically,....like my body was screaming at me: "hey!!! I thought we didn't do this anymore!!! Cut it out!!!" It was quite a revelation for me.

Does anyone else feel like it is a neverending battle? I mean, I dont mean to be horrid - but until one of us kicks the bucket, this isn't going to end, is it?

Well, sure, and many times it IS a never ending real battle!  But pain and dissapointment will always be there.....we are human after all.  HOW we deal with it, though, is the ticket!!  We can learn how to choose happiness as a way of life.  Does that mean there is no more crap to deal with? Heck no. But we SEE the choice by being aware.

I used to think that all this learning to be aware would disconnect me from people, but strangely enough, it has me getting closer and closer. And I spend so much less time in hurt and resentment.  There are certain people for which I feel that way (my ex comes instantly to mind) but I am so much better at not letting them get to me, now.  Boundaries are easier for me to keep with those people. And I am less of a bitch to them, too, which is actually surprising, but it's because I deal with them less with new boundaries.  I can say NO to taking on other's pain. (still working on it with my own children, however....not sure how to let go of that one, or that I should just yet).

JEEZ, sounds like I think I am Ghandi....not at all.....I get nuts like everyone, just read some of my posts! But I don't attach so much darn meaning to all of it...so I can let it go easier.

So. Short version: no, it never ends, but it can be a sweet ride, if you want it to be.

[FlowerGirl]

Sage sage words, mum. Thank you. your children are lucky to have such a wonderful mother. I certianly hope they listen to your advice!

I actually find it easier and easier to handle my mother. the distance makes me very much more comfortable with her. On the other hand, she seems to get more and more nervous. She keeps saying she's walking on eggshells when she talks to me. I keep telling myself it is not my problem if she is uncomfortable - but then - she does try to shove it on to my plate alot.

I need to pack. I have a few days of business travel coming up to clear my mind. Maybe I'll catch a couple hours by the pool.

Thank you again,

FlowerGirl

[mum]

She keeps saying she's walking on eggshells when she talks to me

to which you could respond: "oh."

Have a great time away.

[October]

She keeps saying she's walking on eggshells when she talks to me. I keep telling myself it is not my problem if she is uncomfortable - but then - she does try to shove it on to my plate alot.

FlowerGirl

This is true.  When you try to consider other people's feelings it can be like walking on eggshells.  But the alternative is for her to trample those eggs (you) into the ground.  So which is better?

You are not asking her to do for you anything that you have not done for her for years.   

[gnostic]

hi flowergirl

perhaps more about what you discussed with your mom
specifically about your mom first sayin it was ok to connect with your dad
and then that it wasnt....

and maybe questioning or pointing out to her
what it suggests about her ways......
if it seems like she is pretty much not really truly dealing with
an issue ...
even if she gives some as if she is
that is more just to get your goat ....