Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Other causes of voicelessnes?
CC:
Dear Gwyn and Raggedy,
Just wanted to chime in and add my two cents about compassion. I have been more than sympathetic to my mother's N antics and have been able to maintain compassion for her even through this last year of intense awakening to her "illness" and my own healing.
My Nmother's mother was a shizophrenic and the condition did not become serious until my mother was about 6 years old. Then she became progressively worse until she was completely catatonic when my mother was 9. She eventually died when my mom was 11 from "pnuemonia complications". My mother, in one moment of sharing a painful childhood moment over a year ago told me a story about what she felt like when my grandmother stopped taking care (mothering) of her. My grandmother would sit stone-faced in their living room for hours with no expression. In those days, no one discussed mental illness. My poor mother had no idea what was going on. Her father wouldn't explain anything (he probably didn't even understand it). He just would say "she's sick". My mom was so angry, hurt and frustrated that her mother had stopped acknowledging her that one day she took a fireplace poker and hit her in the shins to try and get her attention - to no avail!
I cried when she told me this story. What a horrible thing for this child, who was my mother, to suffer. My mother, to boot, was an only child - no siblings to help her cope with this. My grandfather was no help. In those days, they were recovering from the depression (my mother is 76) and he was a very bitter, hard to get along with man - a strict authoritarian and even more so as he had to assume the role of my mother's only caretaker.
My mom has told me that this didn't affect her, that she is stronger because of it, etc. etc. But I know better - in fact, I strongly believe that the specifics of this are the direct reason that she is the narcissist and alchoholic that she is today. This is perhaps the reason why I have chosen to work harder than others at trying to maintain a level of a relationship with my mother rather than disowning her completely.
What her sharing of this story has done for me is to allow myself to pity her. I have a true understanding of the tiny child within her that has caused the beast of protection to emerge (narcissism).
The hardest part of having empathy about this child, who is my mother, is to separate it from the adult that she is now, and the actions that she takes as an adult.
I agree with Raggedy, to hold on to compassion. However, you must learn to acknowledge that this child, who is now an adult - is responsible for their actions NOW. There are consequences to their actions. They have a choice in how they treat us. They do not get a "ticket" to abuse just because they had a terrible childhood. I pity my mother, because she does not have the psychological depth to connect that why she is the way she is is because of her childhood.
Some are simply not capable of balancing empathy for their Nparent with separation from being hurt. This is not a weakness, it just simply is. We are all different people that know what we can manage and what we cannot. Much of it has to do with the "degree" of narcissism you have experienced as well. Many people here have had it to a "worse" degree than I, and they are the ones that simply out of common sense much detach completely.
It sounds to me Raggedy like your Mom might be a little more like mine. Her abuse was more covert than overt. This does not lessen the pain, nor lessen the effect on you.. In fact, it makes it more difficult to recognize and protect yourself against. And this is probably why Rosencrantz saw some "denial", - it is easier for us to deny because the abuse is not as obvious.
I went on much longer than I intended here. Just wanted to let you know that compassion is not a bad thing. If you can heal and still have compassion for the source of your pain - this is wonderful. Be grateful that the legacy of your mother's condition has not been passed on - true narcissists are incapable of this empathy or compassion.
catlover:
Thanks CC and Raggedy,
I don't think my therapist only wants me to be angry with my mom - maybe she just thinks I don't seem angry enough (and my therapist herself seems pretty angry with my mom!). But maybe she doesn't realize yet that I HAVE gone through periods of being extremely angry at her. And she did have a total crap childhood too: Her father was a severe alcoholic who constantly raised a ruckus and beat her mother. Her mother was always sick and in the hospital. And, she recently started recalling that her 1/2 brother (much older than her) molested her from the age of six. So, she has reasons for the way she is.
I have been reading a lot about compassion lately in books about Buddhism. And I'm learning that it includes compassion towards oneself. So I'm trying to increase compassion towards both myself and others, because the two are connected. I have always had a tendency to expect way too much of myself and others - most especially myself. My mother expected me to get a PhD and win a Nobel Prize despite having very little support of any kind, and I've ended up expecting way too much of myself too. I'm learning not only to put up boundaries, but to give myself a break about how slowly the learning is going.... And learning what is reasonable to expect from myself and others. Very tricky!
Guess I kind of got off the subject there - thanks again for the input.
Anonymous:
Something I neglected to share with you about my healing process that could be helpful.
In the midst of this compassion I feel for my mother, I went through a period about 6 months ago where I was able to express deep, repressed, anger and even hatred for my mother. It took several sessions of therapy and a lot of journal work - allowing myself to tap into the deep seeded rage within me and actually scream blood-curdling screams (I would lock myself in the bathroom while no one was home and do this journal work) and tap into the child within me (I was always worried the neighbors would hear me, ha!)
It took an excellent therapist who knew exactly how to lead me to that child to be able to do this. But it also took courage to allow myself to go to that place that for us, as children of narcissists or other abusers... has been considered SHAMEFUL.
This is probably what your therapist is after, and I agree, it is absolutely CRUCIAL to a complete healing (which we are never completely finished with, it seems).
There are books on this subject, I would encourage you to read - and sometimes it will be instrumental to triggering the button you need pushed to begin the process, at which point you can ask your therapist to help you continue it. I don't remember the authors name of one, but the first one that comes to mind is "HEALING THE CHILD WITHIN". If I remember correctly this is not geared specifically for children of N's, but all children who have been abused in some way or another.
Hope this helps. Good Luck to you.
CC:
That was me above, I thought I was logged on - and I also thought I should clarify that the rage and anger I expressed was done in the privacy of my shrink's office or my own home, it was not directed at my mother. She had no idea I went through this. CC
catlover:
Thanks CC,
That's intense stuff. My therapist is having me read and do exercises from "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw. I think that might be the "healing the child within" book that you referred to. I'm terrified yet "looking forward to it" at the same time. Good to know I'm not the only one on this difficult journey towards better mental health.
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