NPDs and their unusual eating habits

[Sallying Forth]

I found this interesting in one of the articles I read online the other day.

My Nmother was always on a diet. She was obsessed with losing weight. She still is. Yet she has a large frame, wide hips, and can only get down to 140 pounds. Her obsession was trying to get down to 130. She's 5'6".

She loved to serve strange foods and did not try to disguise them. One was serving us tongue. She left it as is, baked and served it without slicing it. She would always give it to me first and tell me to cut off a slice. I would nearly vomit looking at the huge, swollen beef tongue sitting in the roasting pan.

Another favorite was the marrow inside chicken bones. She would use all kinds of 'tools' to get into the marrow and consume it like crazy.

[mum]

I think I am going to barf.  Jeez, are you a vegetarian now?

The N's I know are not so much eating strange things as always wanting to be "special" (oh, I can't eat that..... waitor, ask the chef if this can be done without .....there is nothing for me to eat here..., etc etc)
I think it's a matter of control, too.  IF they can control every calorie that goes into thier mouths, make even eating a control issue, it satisfies thier N ness (temporarily of course).
Oh, and controlling other's food consumption is a real treat for them (parental N's have a hey day with this, a la your mother).
My exN used to take away something I was eating saying "you've had enough", and he does that to my kids at his house.

[October]

I think it's a matter of control, too.  IF they can control every calorie that goes into thier mouths, make even eating a control issue, it satisfies thier N ness (temporarily of course).
Oh, and controlling other's food consumption is a real treat for them (parental N's have a hey day with this, a la your mother).

My parents went to visit my brother in Bangladesh, stayed six weeks, and didn't taste one single foreign food while they were there.  Chicken and chips, mash, shepherds pie.  Not one single curry.  Can you believe it?  Not even when invited out to dinner.  Brother didn't turn a hair, because he is just as N as mum is.

He, on the other hand, will buy jars of picked garlic to my house, get a clove in his fingers and hold it under my nose and tell me to eat it, because it tastes great.  He does it over and over, and won't listen to 'no' at all.  I tell him, I am sure it does, but I don't think I could eat it raw like that.  He even put a clove on the budgie cage last time.  (I think I said that before.    )

Food is a real problem.  I never ever eat at my mother's house.  It is all about ownership and control with her.

[Stormchild]

Oh God, that poor animal, and poor you too. How horrible.

I've noticed that a lot of N-ish folk seem to get a real kick out of carrying on like total twits in restaurants. Just exactly like Mum is describing, and also they looooove to get all picky and snotty about the menu, with the waiter or waitress, who of course has nothing to do with the menu selections, but if the N-ish one can annoy the waiter enough that it shows, then they can pretend to be justified in stiffing the poor soul for their tip.

Egad, it's Memory Night. I was in a restaurant with a date - this is about, what, six years ago... we were in a booth, near my old college campus, sentimental visit to a restaurant I'd loved when I was a student, and it still existed six years ago. Anyway. Next booth to us is occupied by a family of utterly obnoxious twit jerks, mom and dad and spoiled brat student boy. The kind of people who deliberately talk at the tops of their lungs because they know their conversation is much more worth hearing than anyone else's... so anyway they order their meals, and the food comes up, and they sit and yap for 20 minutes, then turn to their plates... surprise, surprise. The food is cold.

they call their waitress over and castigate the poor girl until she cries. They summon the manager and carry on about her poor service and the lousy cold food and this and that and god knows what else. I'm getting madder and madder...

So I get up and walk over to the cash register, out of sight of these jerks, and when the manager heads back over I buttonhole him, and I grab the waitress. I tell him, in her hearing, that I have been in the next booth the entire time, and I know for a fact these creeps sat and gabbed for at least a quarter of an hour without touching their plates, and the waitress is not at fault, because she waited on me too and our food was good and piping hot.

They both thanked me, and I said look, those jerks were trying to get her fired, just to prove they could, and I'm damned if I was going to let that happen. I've supervised plenty of people in my time and I despise bullies, etc. Then I gave her a couple of bucks, in front of the manager, and told her, they're going to stiff you on the tip, they're probably going to demand the food for free, and you deserve a tip at least.

Then I went back and sat down and spent the rest of the meal stifling giggles as these @$$h__e$ went on and on about the waitress, etc., while - of course - continuing to stuff their faces with the food they'd whined about.

Good thing I'm not in the restaurant business.

[Sallying Forth]

I think I am going to barf.  Jeez, are you a vegetarian now?

The N's I know are not so much eating strange things as always wanting to be "special" (oh, I can't eat that..... waitor, ask the chef if this can be done without .....there is nothing for me to eat here..., etc etc)

I was a vegetarian for about 10 years. I never thought about the connection. Hm ...

Oh this is guy I used to know to the "T." He would even wave 100 dollar bills in waiter's faces to get their undivided attention. His entire life was eccentric. He was a lawyer, flew airplanes, went to Hawaii EVERY year at the same time, tipped to get special treatment and wanted people swooning over him. He got it too. He's snap his fingers get the waiters and waitresses to come to his side. He thought it was so cool. I thought it was so manipulative. He owned a hill top house so he could see the enemy coming. Meaning -- the end of the world.

[bliz]

My N had an inordinate fascination with eating.  He seemed to put some kind of magical powers to food and the whole dining ritual.  I never really understood it.  It was like the height of intimacy was sharing a meal, especially if there were any special foods like homegrown vegetables, personally cuaght game or fish.  I had no idea what that meant, but it seemed a little over the top.

[mum]

I was a vegetarian for about 10 years. I never thought about the connection. Hm ...

Jeez, I never though of being a vegetarian as being N.  Well, I guess it depends on why you make what choice you make.

For the last 23 years of my life, I have been a vegetarian, as is most of my family.  I could care less about other's eating habits    (my fiance is not a vegetarian)

My ex is a vegetarian, also, as are my children, but to my ex, it's more a form of "specialness" or "coolness". It's like he wants a sign that says "look, I am cool, see?"  Yet, with certain people, who he also wants to look good with, he will eat meat. So go figure!  He also gets involved with any sport that is "different" than the norm, and then goes into it obsessively, completely. It is so bizarre, but goes along with the "look how special I am" thing.
I also have a sister who is Nish....and she will walk out of restaurants if the food is not "perfect" for her various eating peculiarities. I hate going to restaurants with her, as it is never "easy".  If she deems it "cool" to eat a certain thing, or not another thing, God help the rest of us for making our own choices! Luckily, she has mellowed and is letting more stuff "be"!

When she was a hippy, years ago, she would go nuts if people bought clothing from regular stores (not used or handmade) and yet, just before that, in high school, she would only wear designer, preppy labels and poo pooed anything else.

So what is it? Why this need to be "special"?

[miss piggy]

OK, now I'm laughing at how silly all the Ns look in restaurants....I was gagging at the tongue thing.

My Nfather was much the same way in restaurants--demanding certain tables, calling the servers over by name, always looking around wondering where they were (like maybe serving other people!), asking how certain dishes were prepared, and the meal always took too long to arrive.  While we waiting we were treated to his pontification about his fine dining expertise, and also he would move things around the table to expand his territory.  Dishes were to be delivered immediately to his hands upon request and then placed in your already crammed spot along with the salt and pepper, bread basket, flower vase and sugar bowl.  The really weird thing is that my parents were quick to notice anyone else trying to "hog" the server, or talking more loudly than my father........a competitor! 

One of my N relatives noticed how I serve salad for my family--a big bowl of whatever kind of salad, and I let everyone choose their own dressing.  She told me she decides and just sticks it on the table.  I don't think either way is better or more N than the other, but she was clearly uncomfortable with the difference.  It was like, how come you are not taking charge of the salad decision?  Yow, everything gets examined and scrutinized until you forget what being relaxed feels like.

Stormchild!  What a great story about coming to the waitress' defense!  It made me feel good to know there are people who a) know what's going on, and b) care enough not to let the bullies get away with it, and c) you did it in a way that didn't harm you.  I'm going to remember that to see how I can help someone next time...thanks!

MP

[Lynneye]

Hi All,

First of all - this board is great, it has really opened my eyes about my N-mom.   

N-mom has always said she is a "slow eater", and takes forever to eat a meal, usually around 40-45 minutes, picking at the food, eating tiny bites, talking, stretching out the time incredibly.  I know her food gets cold.  It is her way of having an audience, controlling, and if she can get the person she is eating with to overeat (she likes to have all the food eaten that she cooks, no leftovers), all the better.  Growing up, the family would finish the meal 30 minutes before she would, and be trapped at the table waiting for N-mom to finish.  It sounds like a small thing, but it is just one clue about her many other N ways. 

In restaurants, she would always tell us what she thought we wanted to order.  She still tries to do this and I am nearly 40y/o.  As little kids, we were only allowed one small softdrink with dinner.  Since drinks are always brought out first, and we tried as hard as we could to ration those cokes to last through dinner or else go thirsty.  This was because it was "too expensive" to order more than one drink per kid (3).  We also weren't allowed to have water.  I still have to order coke/pepsi with dinner with plenty or refills, remembering the limits placed on me as a kid and my frustration with her control.

[Plucky]

Wow, this food thing is a hot topic.  Of course.  I just returned from a long visit with inlaws.  I know I have food issues but hey!  they do too.  My mother in-law cannot abide leftovers, so it is a negotiation at the end of each meal as to who will overeat.  There is a long list of things they just don't eat, such as pasta, rice, anything fried, most vegetables, etc so it is hard to feed them, which I nonetheless try to do rather than live with the comments about how hard it is to feed such a large group as when we are there.  I just ended up feeding my kids between meals so they could beg off sitting down with us.  And my father in-law reacts with instant anger if a fork is dropped or someone slices the bread wrong.   I have to buy my own cheese because I slice it wrong somehow and then they can't eat it.  But I can't buy too much stuff, or she gets angry because there is too much in the fridge!  Man it's exhausting!   

My mum takes waiters through their paces and makes the table wait until they are faint with hunger before she will agree to pass any bite of food past her lips.   Most times, she decides she likes yours better and you have to share.   When I try to feed her at my house, the (empty) plate is too big and she can't possibly eat that much (sort of like Scarlett O'Hara).  Then her serving is always too large, and she can't finish it.  I feel guilty for heaping such a gross portion on her dainty plate (still less than my 7 year old eats).  Then of course she has room for dessert and we'd better have something good!

My own food issues stem from being hungry as a child while spending neglected summers with my father.   Nowadays I never want anyone in my family to be hungry.   I pack a lunch for the car when we go shopping or to the post office!

Whew!  What a dysfunctional bunch!  Is anyone still reading? 
Vaguely
Plucky

[miss piggy]

Hi ya, Plucky!

Yes, I read your post.  wow. It made me want to take a big serving spoon of cold mashed potatoes and catapult it at your inlaws and mom!

Food fight!!!!   

Miss Piggy Piggy Piggy   

[Sallying Forth]

Makes me want to sculpt the Devil's Tower in Wyoming out of mashed potatoes as visions of Close Encounters haunt my mind ...

ROFLMAO!

[October]

N-mom has always said she is a "slow eater", and takes forever to eat a meal, usually around 40-45 minutes, picking at the food, eating tiny bites, talking, stretching out the time incredibly. 

Oh, God, this reminds me of my mum.  When we are sitting at table together (Christmas only!!!!), she picks at her plate, takes tiny bites, strains to swallow, and does so with a look of great pain on her face.  She looks as if she is eating barbed wire, or something.  I know her cooking is bad (VERY BAD!!) but the rest of us manage without pulling faces.

In restaurants she always has roast beef dinners, if she can.  (The most expensive)  And she orders it as if anyone ordering anything else needs their head examined.  As if that is all there is.

Everyone in my family has a very cultivated 'just ignore her and she will stop doing it' behaviour.  We all do it, even those who are still enmeshed, rather than aware.  So if she thinks no-one is looking or paying attention, she stops doing it and eats fast and normally.

She also has a bad back that comes with an audience, and a sprained ankle from 10 years ago, that reappears on cue when she wants to start limping.  Sometimes you get the back and the limp together; what you might call the gala performance.  Generally, when she is off to the kitchen to continue making dinner or whatever.  It is the 'don't worry about me dying; I will still wait on everyone hand and foot, and be the Perfect Mother' act.

Again, it is bizarre how all these family members who believe the 'happy family' myth ignore her pretend pain.  If she is a real mother, then why do they not treat her with compassion?  I know why I don't.  It means they know really as well, doesn't it???

Doesn't this sound callous?  If the conditions were real maybe it would be.  But they are high day and holiday conditions only.  Put her in a shopping centre with a bit of money in her pocket and she can walk all day, without even a cup of tea.  (She won't pay cafe prices for tea.)

[October]

 Nowadays I never want anyone in my family to be hungry.   I pack a lunch for the car when we go shopping or to the post office!

Whew!  What a dysfunctional bunch!  Is anyone still reading? 
Vaguely
Plucky

I do that too!!  If I am taking C out, I usually take drinks and crisps in my  handbag.  Partly to save buying them, but partly because I don't want either of us (but mostly her) to go without.

My family think she is too fat, although I would say she is just healthy, but with health problems which affect her weight, temporarily.  They make all sorts of snide half hidden comments, such as about rugby players (mostly I think she doesn't hear or understand.  She has a relatively good self image).  She is both coeliac and thyroid, and I refuse to even consider a diet for a child of any age.  I have adjusted what we both have to include more fresh ingredients and no processed at all, and plenty of fruit.  Other than that, I leave it to her to choose what she wants me to cook for dinner.  Mostly she eats sensibly enough.

My family ignores her medical conditions as they do mine.  And my parents told me yesterday that they do not believe D is as unwell as he claims, because he overdramatises things.  Which is rather rich, coming from them.  Dad told me I should not have told C anything about her dad's health at all, and certainly not that I think he is dying.  I said, but she has seen it for herself; what am I supposed to do about that??

My brothers boys are all stick thin, like we were when we were small.  :  /  They fall over a lot and are always covered in cuts and bruises of one kind or another.  Youngest fell over last weekend while I was there and cut his scalp open.  Not seriously, but there was a bit of blood, and he was distressed.  The blood got mopped up, the distress got ignored.  You could say he is accident prone, or you could say that he and his brothers have never been taught how to look after themselves in an appropriate way.

[October]

Yes, I read your post.  wow. It made me want to take a big serving spoon of cold mashed potatoes and catapult it at your inlaws and mom!

Food fight!!!!   

That is what an N can never do!!!!  They can't play.  :  )

I love the image of my mother (or any Nmum) covered in cold mash!!!!!