Nmother's obsession with the perfection of my body and clothes

[Sallying Forth]

Happy Birthday Vunil!


Happy Birthday Spyralle!

[Sallying Forth]

I still think in my head, when I am around contempories that I am much, much less. Not a woman of 51, but a child, a kid, a nobody. She gave me no confidence at all and I am still trying to get into my head that I am a person. I have no importance, no voice, no intelligence sometimes. I have to remind myself that I am who I am and have accomplished many things in my life. It's funny how so many people zero in on this frailty and utilize it to their advantange. Fortunately, I have enough backbone now to know who these types are and to avoid them.

Wow Lizzie that is how I feel a lot of the time. I'm 52 but feel small and I realize this has to do with shame. I'm taking on another person's shame. ICK! I've noticed when this happens now and it is usually around people who try to take advantage of me in some way. I get out of their space pronto.

[Sallying Forth]

Over the past several days I've come to the conclusiong that my Nmother didn't just obsess over my body and clothes, she hated my body because I did not look like her. I was competition. I was proof of her mistake. I was a thorn in her side, an ever constant reminder of her affair and of course her imperfection.

I believe all of this and the resultant feelings I have about my body are the source of my weight fluctuations. This is at the core and finally I am addressing it. I think that is what I am going to focus on in therapy this week too.


About 7 years ago my Nmother asked me (ME??? ) why we didn't have a closer relationship. Geesh! There goes the blame again. Me should know. Me should be responsible for our lack of a closer relationship? Ugh!   Of course I couldn't answer her because at that time I didn't have a clue. And now I wouldn't answer her because she would argue the point. At least now I do understand why and that is helping me make sense out of many things which always seemed so odd in our relationship or lack of a relationship.

[October]

Hmmm ... this is very interesting. I'm dealing with a lot of this right now as I lose weight. Also I was purposely treated like a boy to cause gender confusion as part of an experiment. So this on top of what you wrote and my mother's strange obsession with my body ... it all brings a new light to my gender identity problems.

It must have been terrible; must be still terrible, to know they did that stuff on purpose.  Mostly, my parents did it because they chose not to think.   

I was brought up with 2 boys, so always behaved like a boy.  At the same time, there were the frilly dresses that were brought out whenever they wanted me to look like a girl - or rather like a doll.  I found out later that these were bought by my nana or uncle, rather than my mum.  Mum bought me second hand clothes from the neighbours sometimes.

Most photos of me are of me in pretty dresses and ribbons, smiling for the camera, and posing with one foot in front of the other the way dad made me stand - so that it looked like I had only one leg - he said that is how women/girls had to stand for the camera.  At the same time he did his best to tell me that female meant emotional, nervous and insane, and that the best way to avoid all of that was to behave like him.

But there is one photo of me in a scruffy dress, far too short, and a scruffy cardigan, looking grubby and with my hair all untidy, drinking out of a beaker, which my older brother says is his favourite picture of me, 'because that is what I really looked like.'

[bliz]

My Mom has said some very revealing things in later years about her obsession with how I look, my house, my car etc.  It makes her feel bad if I am not perfect.  Of course this is typical Nar behavior, but to have her admit it seemed freeing.

[Plucky]

It's funny.  I had forgotten all about it.  I used to have some gender confusion also.  I physically matured very late - do you think it could be that psychologically I had some impact on that?  When I first went to school, I remember that when they asked girls to one side and boys to another, I went to the wrong side.  The story was told forever.
When my period started - I was very very sad.  As if I still had hopes of being a boy.    I just felt as if innumerable possibilities were now closed to me.
Plucky

[bliz]

That is interesting, Plucky.  I always knew I was a girl, growing up, but it certainly seemed like boys had all the fun, while girls had to suffer through the whole menstraul cycle and other types of societal and emotional bondage. AS A kid I liked to play the boy in those childhood dress-up dramas because they were always after adventure and brave while the girls were supposed to sit around and wait for things to happen to them. 

I never could identify with the obsession with shopping, clothes, makeup etc.  Now in my middle age, I have made peace with it and can enjoy dressing up.  It always seemed like such a fake mask to me.  Now I just see it as normal human behavior.  In my twenties I had very short hair and was sometimes mistaken for a boy.  Oh yes, and I lived my life more to the boy side with seeking adventure and making things happen instead of waiting for them to happen to me. I never was very patient and never understood why women had to wait for a man to make their life exciting.

[spyralle]

This is all very interesting and has been the cause of much thinking on my part.  My mum cut off all my hair to make me look like a boy and dressed me in cords  then as I got older and grew my hair she used to make me sleep in rollers and pointy hair pins which used to stick in my head when I put it on the pillow.  I was her possession.  Her object to dress up or dress down as she pleased.  when I was at school I desperately wanted clothes like my friends and she used to make my clothes which were never right and I always felt like the odd one out.  i was the kid that used to have to sit on the end of the desk because everyone else was in twos and there was no room for me...

I grew up with no idea of femininity really.  When i started my periods, it was all very hush hush and my mum alwys referred to it as being "unwell" so femininity was something to be ashamed off, but at he same time she was a very sexual character.  not that she wore tarty clothes or anything but there was something very seductive and almost predatory about her.  it was all extremely confusing.  I'm sorry if this sounds confusing too but I am typing just as it is coming out of my head.  my mum is still the same at 73.  younger men are very attracted to her.  she seems to draw men in as she loves the adoration and men as young as seventeen have propositioned her.  it is all very weird... 

I have no idea now of what clothes suit me and what don't.  what is attractive and what isn't.  i dress in jeans most of the time as that is how I feel most comfortable and have not attended many nights out as i cannot ever find an outfit that I think suits me.  My worst nightmare is to be invited to a place where i have to leave the jeans at home...

(((((((((((((((((October)))))))))))))))))))) Your posting about the photo of you in your scruffy dress.  it really touched my heart

Spyralle xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Plucky]

Hi everyone,
wearing jeans and being tomboyish are fine in my book.  But not if you feel you can't get out of it.  Lately I have been having so many birthdays, that I thought I'd better try to look cute before it was too late.  So I have been making some effort.

If your mother, like mine, did not help or nurture the part of femininity that seeks to look beautiful, you can nurture yourself.  Just start small.  Get one good look, one simple outfit, and start wearing it as often as you can.     

I have undertaken this project this year and I now realise that while walking around not looking my best, I was running a quiet tape about how bad I looked and this was sapping my energy.   Before it felt that I was too tired and too overwhelmed to try to look good,and what did it matter, etc.

But, it is fun to look better.  I did not make quantum leaps.  I still wear clothing that is comfortable and washable.  But I try not to go around in my old maternity clothes or wear anything stained or torn or worn or that doesn't fit well.  It's as simple as that!  And I feel much better.  It is a relief.

So I counsel all you ladies, men too, to make a small effort to look better.  If living well is the best revenge, looking good is the best comeback to a mother who quashed your budding womanhood or manhood. 

Plucky
   

[bliz]

Plucky, This is good advice: starting small and with a look that you like.  It took me awhile to realize I could be both comfortable and feminine.  I do tend to wear more loose fitting clothes even though I am in pretty good shape.  Anything that is too form fitting bugs me, unless it is also form fitting and comfortable.