Family Summit!

[dogbit]

This is a good story!  Two of my three kiddos were home this past week and we spent a lot of time sight-seeing, eating, and talking.  One of them had been a witness to and a victim of a lot of the bad behaviour while the other had been absent in school during the time he was spiraling downward. 

I had always been reticent to say too much to any of the kids because I didn't want to seem trying to force them to take sides or appear to be dissing the dad.  Lots of wisdom out there tells you not to speak badly of the other parent.  Fortunately, I received yet another letter from my attorney while they were home explaining how things were going as we approach the two-year mark of a divorce and, quite out of my control, I start blubbering again.   The blubbering prompted a lot of talking and I finally told them why after 25 years, I was really getting a divorce and why their dad cut off all contact with them as soon as I filed.  It took a couple of days  .  And it was so cathartic for all of us!  The conversations led to sort of a forensic psychological explanation of their grandparents and even great grandparents.  The pattern had been set long ago:  one terribly self-absorbed person and a co-dependent.    (I didn't articulate this at the time, but I'm thinking the co-dependency partner probably is as injurious to the kids as the self-absorbed partner.  Co-dependency is just more socially acceptable since that person tends to be seen as a hero or heroine but damage is still done when they allow bad stuff to happen.)  I finally was able to talk about how I facilitated a very long marriage to a self-absorbed person without me feeling ashamed and guilty.  I have to thank this board for allowing me to "have my voice back"  . 

I told them that this was the time to break the cycle.  This is not going to happen again.  Even if it does, we'll be able to recognize it sooner and not lose our spirit.  When I filed for divorce, my greatest fear was losing a sense of family with all the kids going one way or another carrying bad or conflicted feelings that would distance them from me and affect the relationships they would have in the future.   After this past week, I feel we are a family once again. 

A long time ago, a minister in my youth group talked about how the most troubling concept he had to integrate into his personal (or earthly life) was humility.  Humility for me is an ongoing process and in this past week, it meant accepting the part I played in a very bad marriage and the consequences thereof.  No, I'm not going to wear a hair-shirt  ,  It was just so freeing to be able to acknowledge the past. 

[daylily]

Dogbit,

Thanks so much for sharing this.  It's like a blast of air conditioning on a hot, humid day.  It reminds me that progress, hope, and good family relationships can and do happen.  You should be proud of yourself and your kids.  You can say all this, and they can hear it.  That's wonderful.

best,
daylily

[Stormchild]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dogbit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that's applause, I have no idea what the usual emoticon is for it)

If I could do cartwheels in your honor, I would. Yippee!

[miss piggy]

Hello dogbit,

Wonderful--a breakthrough and no more pretending or talking around the real issues.  What  abreathe of fresh air!  Good work.

You don't have to wear a hair shirt.   Just knowing that  something else that is bigger than us is at work and that we are not in control of everything is my definition of humility.

Best wishes, MP

[Plucky]

This is wonderful dogbit!  It is great to hear your good news.  Your children have learned something very valuable about dealing with problems.    How validating!
Plucky

[amethyst]

I am so heartened and inspired by what you told your children. The elephant is no longer in the living room. The secret is out. And, no, you certainly don't need to wear a hairshirt. You were doing the best you knew how to do at the time and I am sure your kids understand that. There is nothing like the family history of dysfunction to help us understand our own behavior. The kind of honesty that you have shown is the best gift any parent can ever give their children. The truth you told your children will empower them.

About five years into my recovery, I suddenly had the realization that I had a paucity of imagination. I always expected the worst. I could never have imagined the good things, the miracles, that have happened in my life, but I certainly was adept at imagining disaster at every turn, which made me fearful and kept me stuck. That realization taught me that by imagining the worst, I was trying to play God....OOOPS!  Very humbling. 

[dogbit]

That realization taught me that by imagining the worst, I was trying to play God....OOOPS!   Very humbling. 

And your response is very thought-provoking to me.  I'm going to have to think about this playing god aspect of expecting the worse which is something I am highly skilled in  .  Expecting the worst usually just immobilizes me even though I think I am being quite pragmatic.  Thanks! 

[Plucky]

I had a similar realisation, only mine was that I did not trust God.  I expected to be dumped on by the world, so I wasn't expecting God to be fair or nice to me, I expected God to provide only bad things.   That was not consistent with my concept of God. 

And, you see what you look for, so I was not even seeing the good possibilities opened up by the 'bad' things that happened to me, only using those experiences to confirm my morbid outlook.  I was not at all

Plucky

[dogbit]

I had a similar realisation, only mine was that I did not trust God.  I expected to be dumped on by the world, so I wasn't expecting God to be fair or nice to me, I expected God to provide only bad things.   That was not consistent with my concept of God. 

And, you see what you look for, so I was not even seeing the good possibilities opened up by the 'bad' things that happened to me, only using those experiences to confirm my morbid outlook.  I was not at all

Plucky

I believe that God is the last resort in a very positive way.  The Church I went to taught that when one had a problem, they sought for help, in this order, their inner resources, their friends and famiily and professional services, the deacons of the Church, the Pastor and then turned it over to God.  I've had one other extreme situation in my life that I had to turn over to God.  The outcome was quite good. 

[jordanspeeps]

On the subject of God:

From the day I was born, my family was in church 7 days a week, sunday school, bible study, prayer service, praise service, choir rehearsal, weddings, funerals, easter sunday, mother's day, pastor's appreciation day.  I had God coming out of the ears, but still felt quite distant from Him.  With the way our life was, I was kind of used to ambivalent behaviour and thought maybe's God's reasoning for doing certain things was similar to my Nmother's.  Do as I say do, not as I do!!  I thought I knew all there was to know about him and felt no real connection until I was going through a traumatic time at the age of 12.  After being told by my Nmother that she couldn't be there for me because of the pain "the incident" was causing her, I had nowhere else to turn.  My father's half-hearted, dispair-filled hug did nothing to assuage me.  I went to the God of my sunday school lessons and put some challenges to Him.  As sincerely and genuinely as any person could, and with the guarantee that if fulfilled, I would raise my own children to follow God, I asked for what I considered then to be three miracles.  In my 12 year old desparation, I asked Him (1) for more of my own wisdom, (since it was obvious to me that something wasn't right about this), (2) for peace in the midst of my storms and for good measure, I asked him, in exchange for giving up on boys until I was grown, to raise a boy who would become just the right husband for me.  Two decades later, whenever I'm dealing with more than my inner resources or poor, sweet husband can handle,  (I don't go to church anymore, because in my life, the church is where i have experienced the most disappointment and pain).  I go straight to God.  As not to be needy, or abusive, I try to save it for those times when I'm desperate, close to an anxiety attack, but immediately, I'm filled with encouragement and hope.   I'm extremely sensitive, so I notice God's presence in the subtlies.  When I'm not asking God for something, I try to honor His role in this life, especially when I observe a pattern in nature or when I look at the beautiful, bright whites of my kid's eyes.   God is man's way of allowing us to go outside of ourselves and it being okay, to me.

and also dogbit, congrats on the breakthrough.  i'm proud that you broke the cycle.  this  bodes well for the kids and how they'll relate to their significant others in the future.  you're giving them a gift.

tiffany

[Marta]

On the subject of God:

After being told by my Nmother that she couldn't be there for me because of the pain "the incident" was causing her, I had nowhere else to turn.  My father's half-hearted, dispair-filled hug did nothing to assuage me.  I went to the God of my sunday school lessons and put some challenges to Him.  As sincerely and genuinely as any person could, and with the guarantee that if fulfilled, I would raise my own children to follow God, I asked for what I considered then to be three miracles.  In my 12 year old desparation, I asked Him (1) for more of my own wisdom, (since it was obvious to me that something wasn't right about this), (2) for peace in the midst of my storms and for good measure, I asked him, in exchange for giving up on boys until I was grown, to raise a boy who would become just the right husband for me.  Two decades later, whenever I'm dealing with more than my inner resources or poor, sweet husband can handle,  (I don't go to church anymore, because in my life, the church is where i have experienced the most disappointment and pain).  I go straight to God. 

That is a beautiful, beautiful post. I guess I had been wondering all the time, after seeign White Oleander, whether the daughter character portrayed in there was realistic. I guess it is....you are my answer.

It is amazing that even though you had been given all the wrong answers, you asked all the right questions!