a question

[Bloopsy]

 Thanks!!1 My next step is to clean my room out so I have a nice place to stay and don't hang around my family any more and get their ickiness in me anymore and learn to be my own individual person.

[Bloopsy]

I just feel so mad at myself. Last night my mom was worrying about a law suit and so i started singing to her and stuff and then talked on  nad on to my friend about how hard she worked in life and stuff when really I am so mad at her for always coming to me with her work concerns and  always ranting and raving about it  to me and needing my help and I feel like I helped her to get through having that hard job and maybe if I hadn't had to do that I could have had a job of my own and maybe if she wasn't so all about her students she wouldn't have ignored me so much and stuff and left me with all these abusive people and then I go and act like i think she is so great and poor her that she has such a messed up daughter. i am going to have a hard time dealing with this because it is really hard I guess and i am so angry i love my mom but I am so angry that i had to put so much into helping her and dealing with her problems and her and my sisters fights and then get so sick I couldn't even move anymore, and now they think of me as this big problem with all these problems. Well I did fall apart for years and years but it was not because I am a bad daughter or person it was because I was abused and fell to wrack and ruin and stuff after my best friend and father died. I am so angry today and greatful for a place where people do not think I have a big flaming character defect for being angry. She would rant and rave in the car, we were always going to get into an accident just that next moment according to her. I am the one who had to be drugged out of my mind my whole life and yes I have yelled at her a few times and been very angry but at the same time I have apologized and meant it andthat does not make it okay how she used me and treated me so icky.  Las t night she was liike "I need support at home" and I jsut felt like whatev if I give her support it just takes away everything from me and I did treat her that way for a while too but I do not any more and I do not have to pay for it for the rest of my life I am a good person not a bad person and do not have to worry about being a bad daughter because I feel that I would be dead on the ground if I had contiinued to "support" her.

[Plucky]

Hey Bloopsy,
I'm glad you got that off your chest.   Your mother is a real case.  She has been using you for years.  Naturally she is going to put up a fight when you try to get out.

And her tactics are underhanded and unethical.  Not like yours.  You are trying to be good and fair and human about the whole thing, and just trying to save yourself from going under.    She is trying to drag you under using any means she can muster.

You know all of this, it is all included in your post.   Your brain knows that your survival depends on you getting out.   Your emotions and your behavior have not caught up to this.

Do not beat yourself for taking some time to figure out how to get out of a lifelong situation.   Take as long as you want and need.  It will happen, just keep slogging on.  You will have setbacks.  Just get back up and keep trudging on.

It is nice for you (and all of us) to have a place to come where people understand what you are going through.  You are part of making this place what it is.   When you post the crazy behavior of your mother and how it makes you feel, dozens of people read it and nod in understanding and agreement.   For every time I read about some experience like the one you are having, a little more understanding dawns on me and that tightly wound spring in my gut unravels just a little bit.  Thank you.
Plucky

[mum]

Geez, Bloopsy.  I hear you!   Good for you, letting it out like that!  I'm with you all the way.
 I have found that as I changed and became healthier, the people who were/are most critical of me, started flipping out....they want things the way they were:
which was me allowing them to DUMP their negative crap all over me, actually INSISTING on it,. I think Harriet Lerner describes this perfectly in "the Dance of Anger".  They want you back in the role they created for you!
Good for you, Bloopsy, for getting sick of it.  Good for you for NOT putting up anymore.
Boy do I know this one: they try the one thing (still ) that will get me: pity.  I feel sorry for them, I think less of myself...they imply that for me NOT to be their emotional toilet is selfishness on my part...so I give in!
ARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!  
You are doing exactly the right thing in announcing out loud (to who ever...us I guess) how that makes you feel. That is the first step in letting this negative energy they dump on you go.
Honestly, when I realized that it was OTHER PEOPLE"S ENERGY that I was holding onto.....it was quite a revelation!
The other day, I kept hurting myself, physically, like running into tree limbs, falling, hitting my chin, etc..., one thing right after another,  feeling really bad, got into an arguement with my daughter, etc..
It was clear something was up, and these clumsy accidents and bad mood were no coincidence.  When I stopped to think about what was happening, I realized I was still really angry about the recent legal and emotional bullying my ex has been doing.  HIS negative energy was still hanging around me...I was still holding onto it!  I had never really SAID outloud, as you just did how really bad what he does makes me feel. I laughed about it, I said: "oh, I can let this go, I always do" but I never really acknowledged how rotten I felt.
You know that saying: you can't let something go that you are not holding?  Well....admitting I was holding it helped me to really let it go.  
I am still amazed every time I figure something out (and then don't always do what I've figured out).
Hang in there, Bloopsy.  You are right on the money....Your boundaries were crossed.  You have every right to be pissed.

[Moira]

Hi Bloopsy and all! Wow- what a question! I can relate to your situation Bloopsy! My N mother tried to abort me several ways- didn't want kids and got pregnant16 yrs. after my oldest sis was born. Increased her intake of alcohol and narcotic- an addict- smoked 2 pks of cigs daily instead of her usual one- threw herself down a flight of stairs into 3rd month of pregnancy. Was supposed to be on bedrest till delivery due to bleeding- non compliant. I was obviously a hardy little fetus cause here I am despite her twisted efforts!!! She always dislliked me intensely- said she hated me but don't really know if that's valid. My father- not a N but typical partner of one- spineless, totally passive, driven crazy by her constant lying, verbal and physical abuse towards him and crazy making accusations and communication. She would torque my dad into white blind rages with accusations of things I'd done and allegedly done and encourage him to beat me. She would stand in the doorway of whatever room and scream obscenities at me and my father, encourage him to punch me in certain areas of the body- " not the head or face...don't want anyone to know". After he came to his senses- always felt extreme remorse and made peace with me when I was an adult before his death- or I was unconscious on occasion, my N mother would typically lose interest and wander away. Later in evening she'd play all lovey dovey with me and then verbally and often physically abuse him. I was also the target for this behaviour because I was the " different" one in the family- left handed, dyslexic, OCD and bipolar( severe depression and suicide attempts starting at age 7), only one who confronted her on her addictions, her N and abuse and called her on it. One thing I found a saving grace as a child and teen was finding good teachers and getting validation and incredible support- scholastically and emotionally- from them( also feedback that I wasn't the family freak and they were the sick ones). I also started spending as much time as humanly possible away from my home either in sports and clubs as well as spending dinners, wk.ends and frequent overnights at girlfriend's houses. Again, wonderful parents and sibs who nurtured me and validated. Not to say my N mother hasn't left huge scars emotionally and on my self esteem and continues to reach out from the grave and try to strangle me( actually my shrink's analogy- i like it). The good thing that I thank her for, is that with her death in Feb., I suddenly realized that I was living with my N mother in the guise of my ex N. Hang in. I've also now got a whole new circle of non N and non toxic friends who've been a god send and life saving. Hugs Moira

[Bloopsy]

Hi! I can really relate to what you guys are saying. I admit to have gotten a little overwhelmed. .I just yelled at my friend who was being icky to me--- I feel really overwhelmed and confused about Ns and abuse and all this stuff--- it is so hard not to repeat these icky patterns. i jsut want to do my art and find people to love and have life, and I know that will be a lot of work. Knowing that you guys are out there working too is so iinspiring all the things you have written thank god for this message board!

[Gail]

To Moira,

I was overwhelmed when I read of the abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents.  I am so sorry they treated you that way.   I can't even imagine that kind of mindset or how they could justify that criminal behavior.  And it's sad that no one rescued you from that torment.  You are an amazing person to have been able to survive.

Gail

[Sallying Forth]

All my friends love her and think that she is the perfect mom but for me it is like having a little child for a mom!!!!!! I feel like I need to make it really clear for myself because if I don't I end up blamign myself and hurting myself and thinking that it is all my fault that i sufered so much in my life and felt like i never had a mom even though I have the perfect mom!!!!!!!! I hate that!

I can relate. To my friends and the rest of my family my Nmother was/is the perfect mom. And for years I asked myself, "What is wrong with me? Why don't I think she is the perfect mom?" Then I'd answer my own question, "I must be pretty screwed up." I always believed I was the crazy one in my family because my reality didn't match the reality of anyone else.

It wasn't until I left home for the first time that I started to gain perspective and see she wasn't so perfect.

However it wasn't until this year when I discovered she has two different personality disorders, NPD and OCPD, that my life began to truly make sense. I was no longer the crazy one. I was no longer pretty screwed up. I was okay.

[Plucky]

Moira,
I am so glad you survived!   You were meant to thrive and triumph over your sick sad mother.   She could not stop you, even when you were just a mass of cells!   You go girl!
Plucky