Dysfunctional People and Their Entry into My Life

[Sallying Forth]

I am in the mood to write in my favorite color ...

I know this topic was covered before and tried to locate it but couldn't find it.

What I have discovered is the exact manner in which dysfunctional and/or Nish people get into my life. It's actually very simple and that is probably why I missed it so many times before.

A person, whom I don't know intimately, will approach me and begin to share on an intimate level. This is an invasion and intrusion of my boundaries. Yet I don't recognize it as such.

My reaction is to share on the same level. This is usually met with anger and then the person walks away or changes the subject. This was a frequent tactic of all my Nfamily members and their wives. Draw me into a conversation and then shut me down.

The reaction I have to this is to walk away to stop THEIR behavior.

My t's suggestion is to tell the person to stop sharing this intimate information because we don't know each other. He says walking away doesn't define your boundaries and doesn't tell the person what they've done.

I have yet to practice this on someone but will most likely have an opportunity at church this Sunday. I am going to a church where some people know me but the majority don't.

I went to another church about three weeks ago which used to be my old church. I decided to not go there again after the greeting I received. What I found wrong with it was everyone expecting me to be as I was when I left. I am simply not the same person. Yet these people wanted to begin our relationship where we left off. It felt awkward and strange to have people enter my life who no longer know me. Yet they were entering my life as if they did. That is another place where dysfunctional and/or Nish people gain entry into my life.

I don't know which way I find to be more intrusive, maybe both. I was disturbed by the immediate recognition people gave me who hadn't seen me in over two years. And their willingness to open conversations with me about things we shared before, as if there was no lag time.

I don't know if can explain it any better. It was a gut feeling that this isn't right. These people should NOT be interacting with me like this. They were acting as if they knew me but were not attempting to know me. Yes, that is exactly what I felt.

[longtire]

Sally,
I have been guilty on BOTH sides of this.  Both in violating other people's boundaries, as well as letting them do the same to me.  No one ever told me that this was not OK growing up.  Actually, until I started reading here and other books over the last year to year and a half.  It was a real negative cycle.  I wasn't getting enough intimacy and sharing, so I exploded forth when anyone seemd willing to listen and then drove those people away by the intensity of my violation of their boundaries.  I am feeling better able to contain my stuff now, so I don't need to just let it all hang out.  More importantly, I recognize the need and consequences of boundary violations in both directions.  I am committed to intimacy and sharing in a more distributed fashion, a little bit at a time and giving it time to make sure that is OK with both parties.  It feels dumb to say these things, but literally no one in my family ever talked about anything like this.  It seems so obvious to me now, but I've spent most of my life completely oblivious to these things.

[Stormchild]

Longtire, I call it 'hermit syndrome'. When you're starved to death for meaningful human contact, and you just explode with all the pent-up 'stuff' if anyone shows even a modicum of decency and caring.

There are real parallels to starvation - literally starving people must be carefully fed or they will gorge themselves sick - .

[Sallying Forth]

Longtire, I call it 'hermit syndrome'. When you're starved to death for meaningful human contact, and you just explode with all the pent-up 'stuff' if anyone shows even a modicum of decency and caring.

There are real parallels to starvation - literally starving people must be carefully fed or they will gorge themselves sick - .

OH! OH! OH! Yikes! Thank you Stormchild for this post! Wow, you did it again, hit the nail on the head!

I even have an article somewhere about the experiments done on some men who were not overeaters and became that way after being starved with an extremely low calorie diet.

Yes! That makes so much sense and this post helps me understand a post I just wrote. Wow! Thanks! 

I am that way because of my childhood AND my marriage. 

[longtire]

Stormchild, you nailed it for me!  It was emotional starvation for me, starting as a kid with my parents and then continued through my choice of partner.  I think I am doing better now because I am there for myself.  I try to be aware of my wants and needs and do something to meet them, no matter how small, every day now.  I think part of it was not really believing that those needs could ever really be filled.  That was the unspoken message I got growing up.  I also think it helps explain why I have had problems overeating and being over wight in the past.  (Doing well on that now! )

BTW, Sally, I can sort of see both sides in people reconnecting to you.  I have some friends that I see only rarely every couple of years, but it just feels like old times to me when we meet again.  There are other people I know that I see much more often, but feel like I sort of have to reconnect with each time.  I think you were well within your rights to set new boundaries with these old friends and let them know where you stand today.  I believe the true friends will respect you for it even if they don't understand.  And they might understand too.  Some of the others.... well you might be better off without them anyway.  Separate the sheep from the goats.

[Plucky]

I went to another church about three weeks ago which used to be my old church. I decided to not go there again after the greeting I received. What I found wrong with it was everyone expecting me to be as I was when I left. I am simply not the same person. Yet these people wanted to begin our relationship where we left off. It felt awkward and strange to have people enter my life who no longer know me. Yet they were entering my life as if they did. That is another place where dysfunctional and/or Nish people gain entry into my

Hi Sallying,
I think I must have missed a lot of this story.  How long were you away and how different are you?
How would they have known that you are so different, were they involved in your metamorphosis?
Is it that they treated you in a way that you didn't like in the first place but only now you can assert yourself?
I guess I don't think it is that unusual for someone you were close to to think that they could start up again with you, and have no other place to start but where they left off.
Or is it that it was a long time and they should have known things would be different?
Can you explain more, because I could see myself doing wht you are describing without realising that I was trespassing, unless as I suspect I don't really know what you are talking about.  Unless you don't feel like going into it of course.
Plucky

[Chicken]

I have read and reread your post Sallying forth in trying to decipher what you mean also!!!! 
I am with Plucky, I haven't a clue what you're talking about and I'm terrified that I may be guilty of behaving like these people you criticize...  If you care to explain to a clueless and ignorant Selkie, that would be good... I am wondering if I might learn something

Cheers

[Sallying Forth]

I went to another church about three weeks ago which used to be my old church. I decided to not go there again after the greeting I received. What I found wrong with it was everyone expecting me to be as I was when I left. I am simply not the same person. Yet these people wanted to begin our relationship where we left off. It felt awkward and strange to have people enter my life who no longer know me. Yet they were entering my life as if they did. That is another place where dysfunctional and/or Nish people gain entry into my

Hi Sallying,
I think I must have missed a lot of this story.  How long were you away and how different are you?
How would they have known that you are so different, were they involved in your metamorphosis?
Is it that they treated you in a way that you didn't like in the first place but only now you can assert yourself?
I guess I don't think it is that unusual for someone you were close to to think that they could start up again with you, and have no other place to start but where they left off.
Or is it that it was a long time and they should have known things would be different?
Can you explain more, because I could see myself doing wht you are describing without realising that I was trespassing, unless as I suspect I don't really know what you are talking about.  Unless you don't feel like going into it of course.
Plucky

I am different in every way. My body is different - I've lost 80 pounds. My hair is different - completely different hairstyle. The way I carry myself is different. And the proof is in how many people didn't even recognize me at first and I liked that. It was a confirmation to me about how different I am inside and outside. I was speaking to this one woman for about 10 minutes about church before she realized she recognized me from before.

I felt these people assumed they could start where left off as if there was no gap in time. Their interaction reminds me of my family of origin. These people never really knew the real me and now what to act as if they do.

It will be two years this December without ANY contact from anyone at church. Yet they act as if they know me now. They don't.

These people even acknowledged that I was different, changed yet wanted continue where we left off.

I had this happen about 1 year ago with an old friend from junior high school. I hadn't contacted her for over 35 years and yet she expected me to act like I did before which was be in denial. She wanted to start we left off but it didn't work. We stopped connecting because she had remained the same and I had changed. There was no longer a common ground for us to relate to each other.

There was no common ground for us to relate to each other. I hit the nail on the head for myself this time. This is the same thing which happened in church, NO COMMON GROUND. Yet they act as if there is. Maybe they act as if there is out of feeling uncomfortable? Maybe these people are starving to connect to me or someone? Who knows.

[Chicken]

Hi Sallying Forth, 
What would have been the correct way to respond? 
Maybe I am lost because I don't know the story...  Did your fellow church goers know the story?  Were they not just trying to be friendly?  What were you expecting from them?  It's seems to me that you are angry at them for not being the way you want them to be...  I don't have a lot in common with some people but I will still try to make conversation if we are in a room together (I don't go to church, but if I did go, I would just chat to whoever) 

Sallying Forth said: "There was no common ground for us to relate to each other"

I don't understand this.  Could you expand on what you mean by this statement?  Would you have prefered if they just said hello and then moved on because of this common ground that you don't share?  Is it their falseness that you object to?

Just trying to understand!  I'm beginning to feel like I am the only one who doesn't understand which may mean I am guilty of such an offence!  eek! 

Is this a social etiquette i am ignorant of?

x Selkie x

[Chicken]

I went to another church about three weeks ago which used to be my old church. I decided to not go there again after the greeting I received. What I found wrong with it was everyone expecting me to be as I was when I left. I am simply not the same person. Yet these people wanted to begin our relationship where we left off. It felt awkward and strange to have people enter my life who no longer know me. Yet they were entering my life as if they did. That is another place where dysfunctional and/or Nish people gain entry into my life.

Hi Sallying Forth, me again, I am quoting the above just to be a little bit more specific with what I don't understand.  I think I am definately guilty of the above statement and I don't know why it would be so wrong?  How are people to know you have changed?  If I didn't see someone for a long time, then I would still approach them as I knew them before...

[Sallying Forth]

I went to another church about three weeks ago which used to be my old church. I decided to not go there again after the greeting I received. What I found wrong with it was everyone expecting me to be as I was when I left. I am simply not the same person. Yet these people wanted to begin our relationship where we left off. It felt awkward and strange to have people enter my life who no longer know me. Yet they were entering my life as if they did. That is another place where dysfunctional and/or Nish people gain entry into my life.

Hi Sallying Forth, me again, I am quoting the above just to be a little bit more specific with what I don't understand.  I think I am definately guilty of the above statement and I don't know why it would be so wrong?  How are people to know you have changed?  If I didn't see someone for a long time, then I would still approach them as I knew them before...

I would not assume that I could relate to someone as I could two years before.

Let's say you get a divorce from whomever and two years later you meet up with them. Would you expect to carry on the relationship with them as if two years had never passed?

I wouldn't. A greeting would be acceptable for me but anything else would be head jumping. It's a boundary issue. I don't know where they are coming from and they don't know where I am coming from. In essence we don't know each other now. We only know each other from before. To continue the relationship as it was is presumptuous.

I would have to be reading their mind or trying to read their mind in order to start where I left off (or they would trying to do the same to me). And that is definitely something I was trained to do by my Nmother and definitely my bioNfather. In writing a book I would call it head jumping and that's exactly what would be required of me to assume I know that other person two years later. I don't want to go there. And I certainly don't want anybody trying to go there - trying to jump into my head - with me. That would be too crowded. <smirk>

I don't know how else to explain this. My t got what I was saying and agreed it is a boundary issue which would require either one or both parties to read the other's mind.

I have a great example. My t used to see my son for therapy about 10 years ago. About 2 months ago my son had to drive me to therapy and he stayed in the waiting room for a while until my t called me into his office. My t greeted my son but didn't say anything further. If the t began to engage my son in a conversation as if there was no lapse time that would be a boundary violation. He doesn't know him today. He only knows the son from 10 years ago. A simple greeting was all that was necessary.

[longtire]

Sally, you know where your boundaries are and when they are being violated.  I believe that you don't have to justify or even explain any of that.  Good for you for recognizing those things and taking steps to deal with the situation.   Also, good to hear about losing weight, new hair , and so much positive change that some people didn't recognize you at first.  It sounds like you are more the real you now, so how could people who knew you before so much growth and change have really known you?  Did that make any sense?

[Sallying Forth]

Sally, you know where your boundaries are and when they are being violated.  I believe that you don't have to justify or even explain any of that.  Good for you for recognizing those things and taking steps to deal with the situation.   Also, good to hear about losing weight, new hair , and so much positive change that some people didn't recognize you at first.  It sounds like you are more the real you now, so how could people who knew you before so much growth and change have really known you?  Did that make any sense?

Absolutely longtire! It made perfect sense!

I didn't feel I needed to justify or explain it either but thought it might help Selkie see that boundary violations are not the same for all people.

I do believe these people never really knew me before and were trying to get "inroads" into my life any way they could. I realized too that I at first allowed it and then saw the dysfunction of that. It was familiar.

[Chicken]

I believe that you don't have to justify or even explain any of that. 

I am sorry, I just wanted to know where Sallying Forth was coming from!  I wasn't critisizing her or anything, just didn't understand the post, that's all.

Thank you for explaining this to me Sallying Forth.

[longtire]

Selkie, I was not criticizing or going against asking for an explanation here.  I'm sorry if I gave you that impression.  I just wanted to affirm Sally's right to have her boundaries wherever they might be and that it is fine for them to be different than everybody else's.  Of course, I was affirming my own right to that at the same time. I think that here it IS OK to ask for an explanation so that we can all learn from others' good examples.