Are my parents toxic ?

[amethyst]

DavidP,

I'd like to validate that your parents sound toxic.

I am going to add one thing to the discussion. Does your therapist know that you are self-medicating? There is an important reason for this question. An ethical therapist with any knowledge of chemical dependency issues would tell you that therapy without sobriety is ineffective and can be very damaging. If the client is using, there is no point in doing therapy. I have been sober in AA for 18 years and I can tell you that no competent therapist would have treated me if I had still been using.

Unfortunately, the therapeutic field is full of people who are codependent and not healed themselves from their own issues. The best therapists seem to be the ones who have really worked on themselves and will tell you honestly what they had dealt with. You might want to seek a therapist with an excellent chemical dependency background. Ususally these folks are the best for dealing with the toxic parent issues too because they are very aware of dysfunctional family dynamics. 

Also I am very concerned about a therapist that would let you do a confrontation after three months, especially if she knows you are using.

I hope I don't sound harsh. I am very concerned.


 

[Plucky]

David, I just want to add,
that even if there are some questions arising here about your therapist, if he/she has done you good, that is a good thing and your progress is all good.  I do not have any idea whether your therapist is good or not - I've never had a good one, at least for long enough to matter.  Others up here have and know what to look for.

I can just feel that in your shoes your therapist might have been a godsend for you and a lifeline.  And the progress you have made has really helped you a lot.  So there is no reason to rethink any of that or feel as if you have to let him/her go and go it alone or anything like that.  Nor does it mean your therapist has not got your best interests at heart.  But what he/she is proposing does sound a little risky to people up here who care about you.  So maybe take it slow and ask more questions before jumping in.
Plucky   

[d'smom]

hey david :}}

ive stayed out of this thread but id like to add that there were red flags for me too regarding the speed of this happening and also the seeming suggestion of simplicity in what it may do for you... it just doesnt really sound totally realistic... something is not right.. it just gave me a weird feeling and ive had enough bad experiences with therapists to know, that if they make a bad decision, its not their life... you are the one who is left to pick up the peices.... not them. i add my vote for moving very slowly and getting very clear about goals/outcomes etc before jumping in.

ive had  years of therapy - and anytime ive ever tried to 'confront' my parents its been a disaster.  even if i tell them straight out this is what my therapist says and ive been in years of therapy and they have never had  any, therfore i might just know what im talking about, they still discount everything i say and call me crazy and a kook and hostile and you name it and its a huge scene and a disaster.   

its true, you are doing this for *you*, not for them. they arent likely to change at all from this.

i also want to say, thta a few years ago, i was veyr low income and seeing a very inexperienced therapist that really didnt know what they were doing.  this therapist had only seen me for a few weeks, and insisted i recontact my uncle that i hadnt talked to in years. this wasnt a confrontation, i liked my uncle, but the idea was to ask him if he had information about my childhood i may have forgotten. i felt weird and didnt want to do it. but the therapist insisted. so i wrote my uncle a letter asking what he knew about my childhood. well, two months later, he committed suicide.

i still dont know if it was related. but.... you know. i dont quite think that therapist knew what they were doing when they suggested that without enough facts and without any background in the whole story.

its just better to move slow i think and not get caught up in some therapists enthusiasm for dealing with stuff they may not really understand as well as they think they do.... so its good you are asking questions.
anyway ... take care
d's mom

[David P]

Hi all and thanks for your replies -
My therapist suggested that I go to AA and quit drinking -so I did. Two meetings later,and  now I 'get' my powerlessness over alcohol. I had two restless nights after I quit drinking,but I think that tonight will be more restful. Weird people there - just like me. Ha !
The point was raised a few posts ago about my Therapist's comment that ,"Your life will be changed forever." She did not say that a confrontation would guarantee a more harmonious relationship with my parents.In fact she has not suggested that the proposed confrontation will do anything other than offer me a chance to have a 'voice' -and that alone is what appeals to me.
If my parents insult me,attack me and belittle me and demean me,so what? How can it be any worse than it is now? I still do not see how this is better, NOT done.Just because I may be hurt, bruised,and emotionally screwed over doesn't make me want to not do it. My parents are just mad and bad people who have nothing that I want. They WILL try to hurt me but that is not HARM. I really believe that NOT doing this defines me as a needy immature wuss. I am in no hurry ( as many of you advise) and my preparation will be precise and meticulous . I expect my siblings to side with my parents,especially my sister who is somewhat reluctant to speak her mind if she thinks that doing so threatens her relationship with others. My mother exploits that weakness in her.
My therapist has sugested that we could do the confrontation in HER office and she could mediate.
Sound OK to me .
Any comments from my new buds?
David

[amethyst]

Hi all and thanks for your replies -
My therapist suggested that I go to AA and quit drinking -so I did. Two meetings later,and  now I 'get' my powerlessness over alcohol. I had two restless nights after I quit drinking,but I think that tonight will be more restful. Weird people there - just like me. Ha !
The point was raised a few posts ago about my Therapist's comment that ,"Your life will be changed forever." She did not say that a confrontation would guarantee a more harmonious relationship with my parents.In fact she has not suggested that the proposed confrontation will do anything other than offer me a chance to have a 'voice' -and that alone is what appeals to me.
If my parents insult me,attack me and belittle me and demean me,so what? How can it be any worse than it is now? I still do not see how this is better, NOT done.Just because I may be hurt, bruised,and emotionally screwed over doesn't make me want to not do it. My parents are just mad and bad people who have nothing that I want. They WILL try to hurt me but that is not HARM. I really believe that NOT doing this defines me as a needy immature wuss. I am in no hurry ( as many of you advise) and my preparation will be precise and meticulous . I expect my siblings to side with my parents,especially my sister who is somewhat reluctant to speak her mind if she thinks that doing so threatens her relationship with others. My mother exploits that weakness in her.
My therapist has sugested that we could do the confrontation in HER office and she could mediate.
Sound OK to me .
Any comments from my new buds?
David

Hi David, It sounds as if you are headed in the right direction. That's great! By the way, there are all kinds of AA meetings. I worked 3-11 when I first got sober and I would pick up my daughter and go to a midnite meeting. Some of the people at that meeting were what you can refer to as "low bottom" alchoholics, people who had really lost everything.  But the kindness was genuine and they were sober. I still see some of those people today and they have turned their lives around. When I got off the evening shift, I found more meetings around my neighborhood. What I love about AA is that nobody looks down on anyone else. You will run across some people who have other issues or untreated mental illness and those people can be somewhat triggering. I've known a couple people that were schizophrenic; they were sober, but they obviously were not getting the correct medication for the schizophrenia. You will also see some folks that attend AA because of a mandate from the court and some of them don't get it....even showing up drunk or high. However, most people that attend AA are there because they want to be.   

By all means use your therapist's office and have your therapist in the session. Raging N's are somewhat conscious of a bystander and often behave better under those circumstances. They will still rage, but tend not to get physical. I can't imagine doing a confrontation in public or at the parent's home or your home either.

I don't agree that you are a "wuss." Recovery and dealing with these kind of issues takes a lot of strength. 

[vunil]

I still vote for waiting.  There will be time!  Having the confrontation in the therapist's office might be good, might be awful.  My parents would never ever go for something like that in the first place, so that's something to consider.  Unless you lasso them, how will you get them there?

David, you are very gung-ho and are really taking charge. I think that is beyond admirable-- it bodes well for your growth and recovery.

Still... (small voice)  on the confrontation thing:  wait 6 months and see how you feel.  I promise it doesn't make you a wimp to do so.