Hi David, You nailed it. You friend Joe is upset and rightfully so because his wife is being emotionally incestuous with her son. In fact, it is one of the most blatant cases I have ever heard of. Not only that, the flirtatious behavior and hand-holding is covert incest...the wife is treating the son more like a boyfriend, a romantic object. Their relationship is sexualized. Where does the daughter fit into all this?
I feel very sorry for Joe. Being a step-parent is hard enough without this kind of behavior. I hope counseling helps. It sounds as if the mom is pretty hardened in her behavior and attitudes and doesn't want to deal with Joe as a partner. Is the mother subtly pushing the daughter in Joe's direction? I know that sounds sicker than all get out, but with a mother whose behavior is so blatant, I would not be surprised. Please tell your friend that he has my deepest support.
Emotional incest is whenever a parent or parental figure uses a child to meet their needs....it's pretty simple. It can include confiding in a child things that should be shared with another adult, treating the child as a partner, best friend, or therapist, expecting the child to behave as an adult, turning the child into a partner, expecting parenting from the child, using the child to run interference with the adult world, cutting the child off from childhood in order to meet parental needs. Often the emotional incesting parent will use the child against the other parent.
I'll give an example of a situation that can be handled in a healthy way and in an emotionally incestious way. Lets say there is a family of 4, Dad, Mom and 2 kids, son and daughter. Let's say Dad loses his job, finances are tight, future is uncertain.
In a healthy family, Dad and Mom talk about it. Mom lets Dad vent about his feelings of job loss, which include feelings of anger, sadness, loss, fear, inadequacy, it can run the gamut. She is empathetic to his pain even though she may feel frightened and sad, and Dad lets her talk about her feelings. They are partners. As two adults, they support eachother and make healthy decisions. They devise a budget, make plans, cut back on spending, maybe both parents look for other employment, whatever they have to do to keep the family going. After the adults have talked, they sit the kids down and tell them the truth, which is that they are facing tougher times, and tell the kids what changes are going to be made. Maybe they have to sell their house and move, maybe some extras like cable will have to be done away with, maybe allowances will have to be reduced, maybe some things will have to be sold. They listen to their kids feelings and don't shame them for being frightened or unhappy. The parents are the ultimate decision makers and the kids understand that the family is in this together. If the kids decide to work part-time to help, the parents are very clear that whatever money the kids earn belongs to the kids. In other words, they don't depend on the kids to bail them out or fix their feelings. In a situation like this it's gonna be a bumpy ride, there will be conflict and negotiation, but the parents are in charge and they are being parental, which makes the kids feel protected. The attitude of the parents is that Sh*t happens in life and we deal with it together, but we as parents are ultimately responsible for the well-being of the family as a whole. The kids are not blamed for the situation in any way. The mom and dad solve the problem as best they can. When the next crisis arises, let's say maybe a health problem, the parents once again will deal with it as partners and will be honest with their kids about what is going on.
In an emotionally incestuous family, there will be at least one parent who will not be willing to talk to the other parent and deal with the situation in a healthy way. Maybe mom turns to the son and calls the dad a loser behind his back and moans about her misfortune, which is N behavior. Maybe dad turns to the daughter and uses her to dump his feelings about his job loss and what a leech mom is, even though mom is willing to help and wants to partner as an adult with dad. It can get into triangulation, where the kids are expected to carry messages from one parent to the other. It can get into overt abuse if one of the kids becomes a scapegoat and is expected to carry the family shame and pain. The crisis does not get resolved....and as the family goes from crisis to crisis, things just get worse.
Our children are not here to meet our needs. We are there to meet our own in healthy adult ways and to meet our children's needs.
I can think of many situations that may appear normal but that are emotionally incestuous. Let's say one of the kids is perceived as outstanding, an A student, a great athlete, goodlooking....the kid looks like a "Star." Then lets say something goes wrong...like the kid flunks math or goes into a depression. If the parents are using the "Star" as an emotional extension, problems the child has will be met with denial and anger and the kid won't get the help they need to deal with the math problem or depression. If the "Star" experiences any type of failure, the "Star" is scapegoated. In a healthy family, the gifted child is not seen as more valuable or less vulnerable than the other children and any problems any of the kids have will be dealt with realistically and compassionately.
In another situation, lets say that a parent of outstanding accomplishment and intelligence constantly pushes a child to be his or her clone. I have a friend who is of high intelligence who always loved working with his hands and who wanted to be an auto mechanic. He was also an outstanding violinist but never wanted to become a career musician. His father did the healthy thing...he recognized his son was not destined to be a doctor, lawyer or CEO in the traditional sense. He let his son be who he was...did not pressure college...and my friend is happy, healthy and did very well in his chosen field. His sister, who is a close friend from high school, does have an outstanding career, but once again, the parents didn't push her. They let their kids choose what they wanted to do with their lives. In my husband's case, his father was a physician. My husband resembles his father in looks. The father constantly pushed my husband to become a doctor, even though my husband has no interest and talent in that direction. My husband has had to deal with feeling as if he let his father down.
The bottom line is, that in healthy families, the parents encourage the kids to be who they really are and don't expect their children to meet their needs.
