I think I've met the record for the longest post EVER! I hope you find it somewhat amusing, yet unfortunately a painful experience to learn from too.
I hope you all made it through the Thanksgiving holiday intact. While the day itself for me wasn’t too bad, the surrounding events were.. well, let’s just say the shit has hit the fan with my Nmother. Most of you over this year have watched as I have been able to keep mother at bay while exercising my “boundaries” and preaching to you all about how effective it is. Though I still believe it is, I felt this post was necessary to share that no matter how well you think you set your boundaries - it is a constant struggle and as long as you remain involved in your N’s life, there will still be pitfalls.
As you may know I announced my pregnancy to my mother about 3 weeks ago (I’m now at about 3 months) and her response was a little less than favorable. I’ve decided to write this in dramatic form because truly, that is what the narcissist creates. Here is my story.
ACT I
Mother and I, driving and shopping as we normally do on Fridays. We are waiting in the car for a train to cross and she is speaking hypothetically about me needing to watch my figure after birth because it is very difficult to lose weight once you have conceived (the Nmother is obsessed with her appearance, and mine as well- because of her vanity) so I decide now’s as good a time as any to get it over with because I was anticipating some conflict… but secretly hoping for better.
CC: “Well Mom, ‘F’ and I are expecting!”
NM: “Oh, I knew it last week because you were acting funny . Well, it’s your turn now.”
Talk about taking the air out of the balloon. And she changed the subject. Then she said this again (she had said it once before):
NM: “Well, I guess I have to get used to the idea. I feel a little like ‘G’ (my 10 year old stepdaughter) in that I won’t have as much attention from you any more. I’m going to miss my daughter and that makes me sad. You will be too busy with a baby to spend time with your mother”.
So you see, she has already begun to make my joyful moment all about her sadness and my guilt.
As we went through the day, the subject came up here and there.
NM: So, how far along are you? Are you sick?
CC: Yes, I’m sick every day, and that‘s why I went home early last week.
NM: HA HA! Welcome to the club.
CC: I’ve been checking into this website called “Babycenter.com” and the girls there say it should go away at about 13 weeks.
NM: You’re on a website about this stuff? (with irritation) Why are you being so obsessive?
CC: I’m not being obsessive at all, just want to be informed, and none of my close friends are experiencing this right now. This website provides some objective information and also allows me to ask questions that my doctor won’t necessarily answer.
NM: That’s ridiculous! When I was pregnant I didn’t have to do that!
CC: Mother, aren’t you even happy for me? You haven’t even said congratulations.
NM: Well, I don’t know what you mean, it’s your turn, that’s all.. Why do I need to congratulate you? I just take it for granted that you will be a mother someday. It’s no big deal.
The buttons had been pushed. It was bad enough she wasn’t happy for me. But on top of it to criticize the place that I go for support (since I can’t expect it from HER)??? Unfortunately I lost my cool at this point. I could have shouldered the disappointment that she wasn’t going to be a doting grandmother and be excited for me.. But to criticize my healthy choices was too much. I stopped the car.
CC: (angrily yelling and crying) You know mother, you are acting like a selfish child! I know you are not a big fan of children to begin with, but you could at least fake a little excitement for your own daughter! I don’t expect much, I accept the way you are, but I was HOPING for at least congratulations, and I was disappointed. And on top of that, I can’t get any support from you… and you make fun of the place I go for some comraderie??
I got out of the car and walked about 30 feet away to cool off. When I returned, she was pouting with the silent treatment and with her teeth tightly clenched
NM: (Sneering and tight-lipped) “take me home now please”.
Not a word was said between us for the 10 minute car ride home. When I got home she called me on the phone:
NM: “If it’s so important to you, then I guess I’ll say congratulations! But you‘re going to have to accept that I am not going to be the model grandmother!”
CC: “Don’t bother saying it, its not sincere. I expected too much from you, you are absolutely right. I have to accept who you are, that was my mistake.” (and hung up).
An hour later, this message is left on my voicemail:
NM: I’m sorry that we had words. I don’t like for us to be at odds. I am truly happy for ‘F’ and you, and just needed some time to get used to the idea. You are a different kind of person than I, and , I have trouble understanding the website thing because I wasn’t that kind of a mother. In my day I didn’t want to know all the grisly details. I hope you forgive me but I will not be able to be the model grandmother.
The following week we spoke briefly, I did not spend the day with her Friday as usual because I was sick, but we both agreed to put the dispute behind us. As far as I was concerned, it was over, and I knew what I was dealing with and was at peace with it.
INTERMISSION
Two weeks pass and a letter is sent to me congratulating us and a phone call is made to my husband with a hearty, but phony congratulations (these actions are in the typical N fashion of out of fear of losing the Nsupply source).
ACT II
Thanksgiving day has come and gone. Aside from my mother’s usual uptightedness, it went fairly smoothly. My French relatives were there at my home for this occasion, so some of the time there was some French language going on between my H and his family.. Husband ‘F‘ only gets to speak his native tongue once or twice a year and really looks forward to it. I enjoy it because it forces me to learn a few words here and there, but for the most part the family is polite and speaks English while we are sitting at the dinner table. There was a lot of fussing over me and my pregnant belly - the first of which I enjoyed since I have announced my condition. My mother attempts to tell us a story about her young girlhood and how she tried to bribe the driver’s ed teacher to pass her because she was such a bad driver - with $5.00. We all got a laugh at that, thinking that $5.00, even forty years ago, wouldn’t have been enough anyway.
Two days after Thanksgiving, a string of venomous letters finds their way to my door:
Letter #1
NM:
C, I have never hidden the fact from you that I’m not the mother earth natural. I’m not terribly family oriented (surprise!) I raised my children the best I could because I was never mothered. Why was it such a chore for me? I don’t know and I don’t care. I did my best and when you were all out of the house I breathed a giant sigh of relief. Then, grandchildren have come along, which is fine, but remote, I’m glad I have them, but I hope my children don’t expect me to fawn and gush, I’m not that type. If you will be disappointed in my grandmotherly skills, I make no apology. I hope you can accept that, otherwise I will feel that unless I perform in a certain manner that you will have an “attitude” toward me in which case I won’t feel comfortable spending time with you. I just want to get along, can’t you be happy for that? Don’t expect too much from me, and if it turns out to be more than expected then it will be a bonus for you. (a bonus for me?)
Signed,
Your emotionally fragile Mother.
Letter #2
C,
So when I told my little story about the license bribe attempt, you and ‘F’ and the others had a great laugh. You were laughing AT me, not WITH me. How come you all look at me as if I am a fool when I tried to explain that back then that was a lot of money? It only shows how IGNORANT you are. I had a feeling that you all “got” me. And I will NEVER discuss politics with you and ‘F’ again it is obvious that ‘F‘ HATES President Bush. And with all that Frenchness that day I really felt like an outsider. Don’t worry, you don’t have to have me over next year, that’s really okay!
(my H had mentioned he disagreed with something that President Bush did recently but has been overall supportive since 9/11. Mother happens to look to President Bush as a figure of grandiosity in the true narcissistic fashion).
Letter #3
Your French Aunt mentioned some advantage about your child being able to be a French citizen if you filled out some paperwork the first month. Why was she so adamant about this? What is such an advantage? An advantage to whom? That really raised a red flag with me. I don’t understand why she was so strong about this.
Letter #4
If ‘F’ (husband) wants to have so much close Frenchness with his relatives until it comes out his head he should meet his relatives at a designated place and go for it! Is Thanksgiving the only excuse or time they can get together? (I might remind you that the holiday was at MY home, she was a guest in our home and this was my choice).
Letter #5
You won’t be able to convince me of your way of thinking on any of the aforementioned. I can have the same relationship with you that I have with ‘J’ (my estranged sister - they speak on the phone once every two or three months). All I ask is respect and civility.
You asked me once (I don’t ever remember asking her this, I think she made it up in the N-crazy making way) if I thought you were as intelligent as I am, I’m not sure you are.
I waited two days. I thought I would post here and ask for your opinion before responding to her (or if). But I knew you would probably all tell me to dump her ass like a hot potato. And to relive all of the feelings again by reiterating all of these letters was too much for me a few days ago. I have not experienced this level of her narcissism in a couple of years, because I thought I had done a pretty good job of protecting myself with the boundaries I had set. So I was totally unprepared for this. As much as I told myself not to allow it to upset me, I was sick to my stomach for these two days (not just morning sickness!)
I know many of you would have thought I should never speak to her again or give her the satisfaction of a response. But I must make clear that the need for a response was entirely for MY benefit, and my relief, than hers. I needed to hand back the pain to her and have HER own it, not me. So, my phone call went like this:
CC: Mother, I would like a few minutes of your time.
NM: Okay.
CC: I received your string of abusive and venomous letters over the last few days. I don’t know what kind of a human being you think you are. The insinuations in these are hateful and preposterous. I thought I had made it clear to you that I would not accept any angry letters from you. If you send me any more mail, I will return it to you from this point forward. I can’t believe that you think someone in their right mind would want to continue any kind of relationship with you after you have sent nasty, vindictive, angry, critical letters such as these. I now understand why you and ‘J’ (estranged sister) do not speak very often. It is a miracle she speaks to you at all. (She sent my sister a string of letters that were much worse in content that these several years ago.) This is entirely unacceptable.
My number one priority in my life right now is a/ my emotional health and b/ the future health of the baby inside me. I will no longer tolerate abuse of any form from you. I have plenty of sources of positive energy and they do not include you. I know that all of this nonsensical anger and unsolicited attacks stem from your jealousy of my new baby and you are the only one in my life that has displayed negativity. Therefore you give me no incentive to want to keep you in my life.
NM: I know, I am admittedly emotionally immature (yes, she has admitted this before) and I guess around the holidays I get lonely and feel sorry for myself because your father and the other kids aren’t around. But I felt like you and ‘F’ and the family were all ganging up on me.
CC: So you choose to abuse the person left behind? I have never shown you anything but respect.
NM: (crying now) Yes, that’s true. I don‘t want to hurt you. I love you more than life itself and I don’t mean to do this. I don’t want to be weak like this. I will spend some time and work on myself.
CC: You have emotional problems that are beyond my comprehension. I am unable to be your emotional punching bag. You will have to find other sources. I know you are missing love and acceptance from your parents you never got but I cannot be your counselor and confidante, and be here to absorb your every emotion. It is unfair for you to project those unfulfilled needs on your children. I cannot, and I will not, allow you to use me.
NM: I know, I know, you’re right, please forgive me. Its kind of like role reversal, I feel like I need your approval.
CC: It is not fair for you to project that need on me. I am very angry. I need some time. You cannot abuse people and expect them to forget. You are trying to do all this stuff to control me and get me to see your point of view, and all you are doing is pushing me away. How can you think I would even want to be around you after this?
NM: It wasn’t out of hatred, it was out of self pity. I know I have to work on this. I need to be stronger.
CC: It doesn’t matter, it was done. I am too old for this. You have tried to manipulate and control me for a desired effect in your actions countless times before. Every holiday is stressful because of you. You're attacking my husband and his family ridiculously. This is HIS house, not yours. I’ve had enough. And here' s a newsflash: Just because you are my mother or anyone elses mother does not give you entitlement for respect. You have to EARN respect from people just like the rest of us on this earth. I did not choose to be born. You had your children, and your children do not OWE you anything. If you are expecting that you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. It is a choice. You have the choice, as I mentioned to you months ago. If you choose to be in my life, it is on my terms, and you must show me and my family respect.
a few seconds of silence go by, and I realize that even though she is remorseful, it is all about fear of losing me, and I am feeling nothing but pity for her. How pathetic.
NM: Well, thank you for calling. I will find another way to get to the dentist on Wednesday and give you some time.
CC: Okay.
NM: Goodbye, C.
(CURTAIN)
My dear forum friends, I must add these few words: were it not for your support here in addition to my therapist over the last several months I may have not had the strength to assert myself with this level of force on the phone. I am forever in your debt. I hope I have the strength not to slip back into old habits. I felt strong and empowered after this exchange. I still will feel obligated to be in my mother's life. But I think I will truly stick to my guns. This will not be forgotten. I have already decided that when she calls me Friday I am not going out with her, I will simply tell her I need more time.
Thanks for listening, I hope you do not have your head on the table asleep by now after this ridiculously long post. I feel better though for sharing with all of you.
