can you do anger?

[puppygirl]

I am really slow to recognise my anger.  I am so reasonable that i try to see things from everyone else's angle and it takes me ages to realise that something makes me angry.  Its not really because I am reasonable or even patient - i simply lack the emotional language of anger. When i was a kid, my mother was psychotically angry. She used violence against us or anthing else in her way to act out her anger.  She mashed our bikes under the wheels of her car if they were in her way.  She smashed things over our heads and threw things at us if she felt like it. But if I ever got angry, she also used to laugh at and humiliate me, mimicking me etc.  If anyone else bullied me, she'd back up their motives, never me.  End result was that I was the bending folding twisting "charitable" willow who'd take any shape of anyone elses feelings and anger, but was allowed to express nothing of my own; not even laughter - then i was always told to "calm down" - probably because if anyone else laughs around her she probably narcissistically things its her they are laughing about.

Its a problem for me now.  I don't know how to "do" anger.  I don't know how to recognise my own feelings because I have a super developed sense of being able to mind read other people's feelings and put them first.  Yes i feel permanently damaged.  How do you set right the damage inflicted by a narcissist whose twisted thinking goes beyond selfish to the far reaches of totally sick? Sometimes I think peace will be greater in my life when she is gone, and cannot inflict her disrespect and stress on me any more.

It feels very important to find my anger as i think it is the root of my depression, constant tiredness, inability to find my own needs, defend myself.  When I do feel angry, the energy seems to migrate into feelings of sorrwo and tears, not the energising and preserving force i feel it should be.  Is it possible to learn the energy of anger?

[bliz]

Feeling anger or any strong emotion seems difficult for those of us who had our emotions throttled as children.  Life is much better since I have gotten in touch with my anger.  My T used to say that I would intellectualize everything.  Most people  would be ranting and raving and throwing things and I would be seeing, "Gee, I think I am angry". 

I think we need permission, if only from ourselves, to truly feel our feelings and express them. Maybe you can start by having a dart board or a piillow to hit or throw when you get angry.  Not that is it okay to hit things  but just to get the feeling out.  Just a thought.

 A good therapist really, really helps too.  It is common for us to short circuit the natural evolution of our feelings.  Like go from anger to sorrow without feeling the anger.  Maybe take up boxing or some other sport where you can use your anger and recognize how it feels.

[longtire]

Oh boy, this sounds familiar to me.  I grew up in a house where no one talked about their feelings in an open accepting way.  Actaulyl nobody talked about them at all.  The only way they came out was to be acted out.  I am working on this trait with my anger.  I either don't get angry, or I get furious "out of the blue" before I even realize that I'm angry about anything.  It takes me by surprise.  My counselor suggested journaling about how I deal with anger, both my own as well as other peoples' anger.  I believe that being more aware of my anger and not stuffing down would really help, but its like I don't know where to begin.  I either have nothing or am overwhelmed with all of it.  How do I just feel it as it comes?

[Bloopsy]

. There is this pamphlet from my program for recovering from abuse that says that through working the program " we learned to equate self-love with anger" ---- I think they mean, that when we love ourselves we are angry for what was done to us. I am starting to think that maybe that is why it is so hard for me to love myself, I would be so angry and not know how to deal with it!! One thing that helps me is to sing along really loud to "angry" music. my favorite is this Sinead O'Connor song and it goes

take back the shame you gave me
take back the hatred you gave me for me
take back the anger that nearly killed me
take back what doesn't belong to me

I like to pretend I'm singing that in the face of someone I'm angry at!!!!

It also goes

I'm haunted by you
but I'll get you gone
if it takes me my whole life long


that too!!!!
 
Also sometimes  hitting a pillow and screaming into a pillow helps if you have privacy, then maybe the anger won't be as hard to deal with during the course of the day?? It's scary though, sometimes screaming along to music makes me feel less out of control-- -I know the song will end!

[Sallying Forth]

For years I couldn't express anger. I would smile when I was angry. I couldn't express other emotions either. I was basically numb.

My family was flat. They expressed no emotions but used me as the scapegoat and avenue for emotion to be expressed. I would emote all their feelings whenever they wanted me to do it. Mostly this was rage, anger and sadness.

I found a great song by Bob Dylan which expressed what that felt like. It's called Emotionally Yours. You can find the words at this web site below.

http://bobdylan.com/songs/emotionally.html

Since it is copyrighted I wont post them here. But one phrase really "rocked" me:

"... lock me into the shadows of your heart."

I definitely felt locked into the shadows of my Nparents' and Nbrother's hearts. I was not my own individual person who could emote separately; know and own my feelings. I was an extension of them. And back then feelings came from outside me. They came on abruptly and left in the same manner.

Thankfully now I express a full range of emotions. My feelings gradually come forth and leave the same way. And they come from within me.

[Bloopsy]

I feel like a good way to support anger is to stay away from those people who might tell you " well, A, B, and C, so you really are not "justified" in feeling angry". One way that my therapist taught me to deal with those people who want to squash your feelings in the guise of being helpful is to say "That's doesn't help" I feel like that is a really good way to see where someone is really coming from, because if they got angry or offended  or something that would prove that they really didn't care what was helpful to you, and only wanted to pretend to help or something, for their own benefit.

[longtire]

Longtire, I too either used to get furious or get sad and hurt. For me, the ability to feel my anger, instead of acting out was coupled with the ability to stand up for myself.

Marta, that rings true for me.  I am dealing with both issues right now and the more I work on one, the more I become aware of the other.  Not only was I not taught how to express, feel, or process my anger growing up, I was told by teachers that I was causing other kids to bully me because they could see the anger on my face.  So, I learned not to express any emotion for a long time.  Now that I have undone the damage of those clueless comments, my anger is back.  Unfortunately, I still haven't figured out how to deal with it constructively.  I'm no longer willing to supress my anger or get rid of it.  My anger is what got me up and out of an abusive marriage relationship.  I NEED my anger.  I also NEED to learn how to express it appropriately.

[Plucky]

growing up, I was told by teachers that I was causing other kids to bully me because they could see the anger on my face.

Whaaaat!!!!  This is so ridiculous. 
puppygirl, I was such a 'nice' girl with such a soft voice and such nice manners....I was a walking victim.
If you are like me, I can safely say, your anger is there.  It is waiting for you.  One day, your storage tank will fill up and then....whoooey!
The sooner you are able to allow yourself to express appropriate anger in a normal fashion, the better.  You have to get out of situations that exploit or require the adaptation you have learned.   That is the most important factor.

Sometimes I think peace will be greater in my life when she is gone, and cannot inflict her disrespect and stress on me any more.

You should be thinking this all the time, also making it happen.  You don't actually have to kill her.  Just remove her permanently from your life.
I know you immediately thought of a million reasons you can't do it.  Take it from me.  It is worth it.  Make it happen.  Don't end up like me - old and bitter and trying to fix myself before I'm dead.
Plucky

[amethyst]

Longtire, I too either used to get furious or get sad and hurt. For me, the ability to feel my anger, instead of acting out was coupled with the ability to stand up for myself.

Marta, that rings true for me.  I am dealing with both issues right now and the more I work on one, the more I become aware of the other.  Not only was I not taught how to express, feel, or process my anger growing up, I was told by teachers that I was causing other kids to bully me because they could see the anger on my face.  So, I learned not to express any emotion for a long time.  Now that I have undone the damage of those clueless comments, my anger is back.  Unfortunately, I still haven't figured out how to deal with it constructively.  I'm no longer willing to supress my anger or get rid of it.  My anger is what got me up and out of an abusive marriage relationship.  I NEED my anger.  I also NEED to learn how to express it appropriately.

That really resonated with me, Longtire. Anger gave me enough energy to overcome the fear and negative self-talk to get me out of my first marriage too. 

I have suffered from intermittent depressions throughout my life and it took me a long time to realize that depression is anger turned inwards. I understood the concept intellectually but did not know what it meant until I got in touch with my frozen anger from childhood. It was very scary to do that, but I am glad I did. My dad was such a destructive rageaholic that I was terrified to feel anger because I was afraid I would act out so badly that I would actually harm someone. Of course, for years I was not in touch with my anger and it sometimes leaked out sideways in sarcasm and snide remarks...or I tried to self-medicate it away. Another thing I would do is short circuit the anger and go into tears and sadness.

I did lots of pillow pounding and screaming while I was in therapy, which helped greatly. I even bought a plastic baseball bat and would whack pillows at home. One day, a friend of mine and I stood under a freeway overpass that had a frozen stream running through it and threw huge chunks of ice at the concrete buttress, screaming at the top of our lungs as the ice smashed and fell back into the stream. We did that for about an hour non-stop, naming the people that had hurt us, yelling what we thought of them. It was great. Nobody could hear us because of the traffic above us, so we just pulled out all the stops. After that, I became much calmer and more centered, not so overwhelmed when I felt anger.   

When I feel anger today, I can sit back and listen to what my anger is telling me. It always is telling me something, usually to do with fear and perceived threat of loss. Once I have figured it out, then I know what I need to do to take care of myself.   

[onlyrenting]

I remember as a child 7 or 8th grade  because I felt pent up anger from the unfair treatment at home I got in a few fights. I think the anger at this age is not the same anger I have now. Maybe raging hormones.

Now my daughter is this same age and she does not show this type of anger.
I was rebelious fustrated and I cried alot.  I do not have any of this same rage in me now. My H hated me to cry. I never cry now I have no tears anymore.
I did take a karate class in my 20s and kicked some butt that way.

I don't know what happened but somewhere I lost the rage and feel the ability to defend myself got lost somewhere too. I remember I was the one that went against what my mother was doing and wanted to be different than her and my clone sisters. I was never mean wanted to get along but when I would see unfair treatment I would be angry and willing to defend the wrong.

One time a woman at my daughters school threw trash out of her car infront of the school. I got angry about that, the mother and I had a very loud disscussion about her lack of respect.

I don't understand the rage I felt as a child but now while going thru this divorce Im finding some of the energy to be angry to defend myself for once, is being directed in more healthy ways.

I take care of myself Im not self destructive, I like me and what I have become regardless of the negative attacks from my H.
I want to kick butt good and hard with my mental strength. Not that Im a mental giant but have found there are ways to focus this onto paper. Im not passive and have a constuctive plan to show from every resource why I am the better parent for our D. Im hitting good and hard with everything I can find, Im mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taking steps to assure my voice is heard. I remember my sister would yell so my voice could not be heard when I would be calling for help or telling on her for something she was not supposed to be doing. She would yell so my words could not be understood and I would just stop when I figured it was doing no good. I can stop the yelling or trying to communicate with an N is impossible. Im finding paper and legal proceedings will get my voice heard in a more effective way. He is like my sister at 5 yrs old, Im dealing with a brat!

OR

[onlyrenting]

I believe there are different types of anger and all of them deal with the lack of effective confrontation.

I know confrontation is the most difficult but if you had certain steps you applied for each it might allow for some control over the helplessness.

1. passive behavior is anger too. maybe you shut the door and not talk about the anger.

2. Passive aggressive, examples vary but something like not doing something because your mad. 

3. rage, aggressive anger, hitting walls etc.

Having had some steps or mental tools to combat each may be helpfull

Maybe some examples would be Remove your self from NO 3. for safety reasons. Know when not to confront.
Nagging here would not be the time and could ignite the problem into full explosion.

NO. 1 instead of closing the door,  not speaking for days you would be better to confront.

What are the TOOLs how do you confront?

With Love
respect,
being justified in the correction
Not taking the guilt
being specific not to bring up old stuff not related
bring a wittness to the confontation.

Any thoughts on confrontation, I find it can be most stressful and would like NO 1 the best.

OR

 

[Sallying Forth]

I forgot one thing about expressing anger for me. It is a warning sign that my boundaries have been breached. It sets me into action to actually do something about that violation. My anger is now my friend.

It wasn't always that way. I used to be afraid of my anger.

[David P]

I was talking to my T about this very dilemma and she said" If you go passive and stuff your anger then you will damage yourself -you will get sick . If you act out with verbal aggression towards others who have treated you badly then you will damage your relationships with them because you will alienate them."
I said"What if I don't care about the relationship?"
She said ," Let them have both barrels if that is what it takes."

Makes sense to me...David P.

[onlyrenting]

David,

I agree with your T. I heard a report about anger how it affects your health.

I used to have some real stomach problems, this report said 99% of bloating, and like problems are due to stress. I knew I was likley in denial about my marriage.thought I was dealing with it,  not letting the anger out, guess the bloating, headaches, neck aches are all mental stress. I have not had any of these problems since I left 6mos ago.

I have found myself feelin blue after 6mos it begins to sink in.

Sally, I can see your point about having anger for a friend not the fearful emotion most of us run from.

OR