This is selected posts from a Commitment Phobia (CP) Message Board I used to visit:
Hi Rebecca,
Thanks for the article. Letting Go has been the hardest lesson in my life. The part of this article that hit home was treasuring the one you love enough to let go. For me, that is the key that unlocks the inability to let go. I have recently tasted that freeing experince, and it is indescribable.
I have given in to complete trust that everyone in my life loves me. It may not be the way I want them to love me. But they do love me in their own way, and that is still a precious gift to be grateful about. Allowing my self to be so very lovable is intoxicating. Life has been so much fun. People are suddenly drawn to me. That big hole and void is filled with a new appreciation for what unexpected adventure will happen next.
Has anyone else felt this?
Hi Ksdgypsy:
I envy you! Here from the bottom of the 'healing curve', where its all loss and loneliness, I salute your strength...giving in to that kind of 'complete trust' sounds quite imposible, but I'll take it onfaith. also, I think its great that you are so completely free from bitterness, cause that's where real health and happiness begins.
My mother once told me that you have to feel the pain to the utmost, before you can let it go, and the key is to KEEP MOVING. She said its like going throgh labor..there's no way you can avoid it, you just have to grit your teeth and PUSH...
but eventually you'll push a brand new you into the world, a healthy, happy, unafraid-of-love kind of you! Hope she's right!
I often feel (and sound!) weepy and pathetic...but these are the dark days, and I don't think there are shortcuts - worse luck!
Any tips on speeding up the recovery process? And also on what to expect from an exCP who is not the kind to let go of his newly-awakened prey without a real fight? Forewarned is forearmed, and so on.
Sweet Caz,
The pain does have important lessons, but I don't believe it's necessary. Hypno-birthing is suppose to be miraculous.
I guess, for me, I had to give up enjoying the misery. There was a whole lot of familiar comfort there.
Stepping out the box I created for myself and taking a bird's eye view is my solution. I looked at my life as a movie, I am the star. What did I want that heroine to do? How did I want to change this story? Knowing the only part of the story I can change is me and my reactions, I decided I wanted to be happy, loving, tolerant, forgiving, sharing, harmonious, cooperative, etc. Seeing myself with all these wonderful characteristics I realized I really didn't "need" anything from anyone else, on an EMOTIONAL level. I do so need help, I have an autistic daughter, and a very crippled ex-husband. But I was pushing people away with my down pressing, and not allowing people to feel good and effective in helping me...because I couldn't rise up to being grateful.
I love the CP men & women in my life. They have wonderful lessons on how to to let go, stay in the moment, and other things. They are the way they are. They can remain in my life because I don't let my emotions hinge on how the are. I AM on the lookout for more like-minded individuals who make relationships a number one priority, as friends, lovers, or however. Then I won't want to change them. It's not so important anymore, because I've learned how to have fun with whoever I'm with and not expect it to last. The more fun I am, the more people want to be with me. Nothing lasts. The present is precious.
And who am I to judge how to best love? We all love so differently. No one will fit that mold I have created, except me the creator.
Does this help?
Rich,
If I could tell you anything at all, it would be to stop beating yourself up over this. We have ALL done this and we have ALL been burned by it. We have all spent a lot of time debating what to do, whether to contact them, picking apart what their last message meant, wondering what the tone of their voice meant, wondering why one day we can't stand them and the next day we miss them like we cannot believe, then caving into the temptation to contact them, then getting bit in the butt for doing it.
What you feel is so incredibly understandable, and what you did is so incredibly common and human. You reached out, you tried to share with another human being, you had feelings for that person, you were trying to give a part of yourself to someone else, you were just being a loving person. Nothing wrong with this. Your ego will recover!
You did a good thing. You reached out. You had no idea what would happen, so you took a risk. You stuck your neck out. The tiger took a bite. So you learned. You learned about what you can handle, and what you do not want to deal with. You stretched and you learned. You learned for the next experience. You learned that you need someone who reciprocates your kindness and has the ability to care about you and stick around. You learned what hurts. You are still learning. If you've never been down this road before, you will continue to learn and learn and try again and again until you just get sick of being bit by the tiger. You'll soon see that the tiger has NOTHING on you, and that staying away from it is a great choice. You'll soon learn that replacing the tiger with people and activities that are better for you will be the choice you'll make. You'll make that choice when you are ready. Until then, you'll keep on risking your neck, because you'll keep on remembering how good you used to feel LONG BEFORE the tiger started to bite. You'll fool yourself and remember only that the tiger smiles, and you'll occasionally forget that the tiger bites. One thing for sure, when you stay away from the tiger, it can't bite you. And when you get on with your life, you'll forget all about the tiger so when the tiger calls, you'll be the one who is too busy and needs to get off the phone because you have better things to do! That day will come. Be patient and stay away from the tiger.
E
I agree with Destiny. This is the advice we are looking for, and to stop trying to manipulate the CP.
The problem is the big void we feel. The ache makes us crazy and irrational. This is the opportunity to do whatever is takes to make us feel better. We think the CP or someone else will make us feel better, but that is temporary. What we need is that solid commitment to ourselves to be who we think we are while on a high phase with the CP. We CAN be that person without them. We ARE that person. All those interests you enjoy with someone, find a way to enjoy alone. You CAN do it. Just try it, and try again and again. You will find you are so very in love with yourself.
And then the miracle happens. You can love and share without expecting anything in return. You don't need it, the void is filled by your own love.
There is a lot of recovery on this board and I love to read it. It helps to see that we can learn the lessons the CP has brought to our lives, and to say "thank you" now I am so much stronger and wiser, and that would not have happened without you. Oh, how I love me!
