(((Sallying)))
I am so sorry. That therapist should be publicly disbarred, tarred and feathered and rode out of town. She was totally an N and obviously had no concept of the pain of dissociation and the very reasons for it, which are totally about survival of terrible trauma.
I was in group therapy with someone that had true multiples. It took every ounce of courage she had to come into the group. During our third session, she went into a mute, almost catatonic state, which was terrifying for us as well as for her. I know my terror was the fear that she might remain like that and not be able to get out of it, which is what we all felt when we processed it later. To not be able to reach someone who appeared to be fully cognizant a minute before was so scary. She finally came out of it and continued the work in the group and had a great deal of healing. I had the utmost respect for her. All of us in that group were incest survivors and had our own experiences with dissociation, so we all knew on some level how terrifying splitting and dissociation can be. I was lucky to be in that group.
I had severe dissociative problems in my late teens and early twenties when I first started having flashbacks. It was horrible. Everything felt unreal. I felt as if I was removed from my SELF, watching myself perform, in a numb state. Then shortly after the dissociation would come overwhelming panic attacks. However, I never lost time. I did feel as if I was split and fragmented, though, which was the truth.
When I was in my forties, I started actively working on my incest and abuse issues. One morning I woke up and felt "small." I looked at the adult clothes in my closet and could not quite believe they belonged to me. I could not get dressed and just sat on the edge of the bed for fifteen minutes staring at the closet, worrying about how to get dressed in those big clothes. I also was frantic because I knew that I could not drive in that child-like state. Luckily, I had grown enough of an adult to realize exactly what was happening, to remember that I had heard about this phenomenon, and to know that some fragmentary part of my unhealed inner self was making herself known to the rest of me. I also knew not to panic and that this was happening for the reason that this part of myself finally felt safe enough to show up. I managed to pick up the phone and call my employer to tell them I was sick. I then pulled on some warm sweats, which felt ok to that part of myself, who was about five. I spent most of the day in that state of being five with a functioning adult. It turned out to be a great thing because I learned to feel and nurture a part of myself that I had disowned many years before...and that poor little girl inside learned that there was an adult there to take care of her.
I seldom talk about this because many people who have never split or fragmented don't understand. I feel safe enough here to write about it. I know that I am eminently sane, but it took a long time to realize that. It took even longer for me to trust that there are others, even some who have never experienced the terror of dissociation, who truly have the empathy and compassion to understand.
Luckily, I had a great therapist who never would have exploited this and who realized that full and partial dissociative states were the only way that many of us could psychologically survive our abuses. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to have an abuser as my therapist. I would not have ever felt safe enough to process what happened.
The last thing I want to say is that you have come a long, long way and that I admire your courage and your perseverance.
Hugs to you Sallying, Amethyst
