Meeting with my parents and T- update .

[Sela]

Hi David:

By calling your experience "perceived abuse", your therapist invalidated your feelings.
In other words, you feel that you have been abused, you feel abused, and the T is telling you, and your abusers that this is your perception, not your feeling, insinuating it is unreal.  As if your therapist could possibly know how you feel or what is real?  She can't, it's your feeling and your experience.

A perception is a thought.  Thinking you have been abused is different than feeling the pain you have sustained by being abused.  I might be tempted to point this out to the T, in my letter of good bye to her.  I don't think I would waste my time talking to her in person, as she would likely come up with a way to invalidate my feelings about what she did in that confrontation, adding more discomfort for my effort.  Yes, Mud's idea of writing letters is a good one, if you ask me, and I'd suggest taking that a step further and sending a real dilly to that 2 faced therapist, who quickly abandoned you, infront of your N-abusers.

They have spent a lifetime practicing redirecting blame. They're like master matadors sidestepping the consequences and recriminations of their own misbehavior and we usually end up like big dumb bulls with a sword through our heart.

Right on Mud!!  So David, refuse to leave the dock.  Stand still and speak with a pen and paper and then walk away in the other direction.   All the bucking and grunting in the world won't stop the sword.  Leave it no where to peirce but the thin air.

Sela

[David P]

Well gang I am still walking around. I wrote myT and blasted her for betraying me. She called me and basically said that my anger is part of my problem and that if I am angry it is because, "You choose to be angry!" By this time I had about had enough of her psycho crapola -I CHOOSE TO BE ANGRY?
What sort of people talk like that? This woman is a looney tunes with a diploma. Is she serious?
 I told her that she,"Emotionally f****d me over and I am firing her ass."
She replied that she is writing me in more detail and I should read her letter before I make any more decisions. Gee I can't wait for tomorrows mail.
Maybe I should demand a refund because I am dissatisfied with her service?? Anyone know a barracuda of an attorney??

David P (Do you think that I am getting invited home for Christmas?)

[Awen]

Good for you for firing her, she has absolutely failed you and added to your experience of abuse... obviously she is invested only in defending herself.  I wonder if any of the articles here http://www.therapy-abuse.net/  would help?  I have not read them so can not recommend, just happened to come by the site this morning while searching for something else.

Good luck!

[miss piggy]

Dear David,

She called me and basically said that my anger is part of my problem and that if I am angry it is because, "You choose to be angry!"

    

she has absolutely failed you and added to your experience of abuse

Agree, agree, agree!!!

Holy Schamoly!  Don't walk, run from this train wreck of therapy malpractice.  Now.

MP

[Plucky]

Maybe I should demand a refund because I am dissatisfied with her service?? Anyone know a barracuda of an attorney??

Hey David,
I am so sorry this happened to you.  But it is all part of the healing process.  Even though it was pretty much a sucky experience, there were some useful things in it.  Notably, the preparation for your onslaught.  Your t might have been sorely lacking in the confrontation itself, but at least up until then she was not obviously incompetent, at least not from your viewpoint.  So that was good.  You got to vent, to be validated, for a while, and that is the road to healing.

Now, you have all this anger and no where to fight.  Your 'parents' are either in retreat mode or fighting back with all they've got.  Who's left but your T, who failed you and lost to your dad, maybe she will lose to you also?

You might feel you have to win SOMETHING now.  Something!   But all the 12 step programs, 5 stages  of grief./anger, etc say that anger is one of the early stages and you have to pass through it.  Or, you can get stuck there.

Thank about just letting it go and moving on.   All that kicking butt and taking names can get old.
Plucky

[Stormchild]

David:

She is not merely an abuser, she is also a coward. As soon as she saw that your father was a bully, she ditched you and joined the gang. And you may tell her I said so.

A coward, a liar, and a thug. Josef Mengele would be proud of her.

Feh!

[David P]

Yes Stormie, she is a coward. Nothing worse than a big Wussbag!

I am going to write her and demand a refund ! May not get it but it will be some fun trying.

"Dear T, I paid all your fees over the past three months. I assumed that you were on my side and that you represented my interests. However when the going got rough you found a way to bail.
I therefor did not receive the services from you that I paid for. You owe me $2200 and I want a cashiers check within 5 days or were go to Small Claims Court"
What do yoall think?

David P.

[Plucky]

Hi David,
I think you already know what I think, but at the risk of being repetitive, I'll respond.   Either you
1. Really think you'll get your money back. 
2. Want to make a point.
3.  Need to bully somebody to feel better about your situation.
4.  Just need to go ahead and crash and burn a number of times to get it out of your system.

Of course you are really angry with that dimwit T - we all are.  I feel like pimp-slapping her myself.  However, keep your eyes on the prize.   
When I still had so much anger and did not fully understand the root of it all, I was much more argumentative with people providing services to me.   I would fight to the death if I felt someone had wronged me.  (My N mother is still like that.)  Now I realise that sometimes, it is just not that important.   And the result I want is just not coming to me. 

Your T was sadly misguided.   It might be better to report her to the entity that regulates therapists, so she can get more training or something, before inflicting her simplistic methods on others.
Plucky

[Stormchild]

Hi Plucky

I know you really want to help David, but I don't think that characterizing his anger as bullying the T - when he has just been horrendously betrayed and abused by her, and his anger is wholly justified - is the most helpful thing to say to him just now.

Neither is telling him that he has a need to crash and burn - both of these things really come across as putdowns of David, at least they come across that way to an admittedly-not-totally-detached third party. He doesn't deserve to be put down. He's just been badly hurt.

I mean - we gals are always trying to get guys to share their feelings. Here's a guy sharing his feelings... let's keep it safe for him to do that.

Yeah, this probably is none of my business, but I tried to put it out of my mind, and even went away and had a cup of tea, and it still bothered me so much I decided I had to say something. I'll understand if you aren't happy with me, and I'm sorry if that does happen.

[Stormchild]

moving right along...

David, Plucky's suggestion about reporting your T to the licensing board, or whatever it is, is an excellent one.

You might combine that with a request for a refund, if you're serious about seeking one. I believe that these boards do sometimes handle things like that, or at least can refer them to mediation... depending on where you are.

If you try that, you'll probably be most likely to succeed if you write the stuff you REALLY want to say, all hot and strong, and then put that in a desk drawer [or the freezer!] and write a very detached description of events... then wait a couple days, read the 'cool' version again, and if it covers everything, send THAT one to the board. We humans tend to attack strangers who express strong feelings, rather than supporting them, all too often. Don't know why. But it happens all the time.

Incidentally, enclosing a notarized (!) copy of whatever letter this T sends you, with your letter to the board, would probably clinch it, if you write your letter calmly and comprehensively.

Speaking of 'hot and strong', the best way to know if you have a winnable malpractice case is to find out if lawyers would take it on contingency. For future reference. This, I actually do know about. But I am not suggesting you bring a suit. This is just info in case you find you are really hungry for justice and that option becomes almost irresistible in your mind. Remember, then: (a) the law isn't about justice, unfortunately; and (b) if a reputable lawyer won't take the case on contingency, you don't have a case... they won't tell you that in so many words, but the actions say it all.

Good luck David. Thank God you found this board before your T did this hideous thing.

[amethyst]

Yes Stormie, she is a coward. Nothing worse than a big Wussbag!

I am going to write her and demand a refund ! May not get it but it will be some fun trying.

"Dear T, I paid all your fees over the past three months. I assumed that you were on my side and that you represented my interests. However when the going got rough you found a way to bail.
I therefor did not receive the services from you that I paid for. You owe me $2200 and I want a cashiers check within 5 days or were go to Small Claims Court"
What do yoall think?

David P.

Yes!!!! And if that doesn't work, there is malpractice.  Is there also an association you can report her to now?

I know this T is a she, but she has no cajones. 

PS. Don't worry about feeling angry. It will go away after you have taken care of what you need to do.

[David P]

Hi ladies, a couple of points - Yes you gals are always trying to get us guys to express our feelings -does that request NOT include anger? Maybe some gals just really mean only affection,and those nasty negative emotions like anger are taboo. Ladies, ya gotta except the whole enchilda !
Plucky, I appreciate your concern and your comments but I am NOT a bully and I do not see how suing a bad practitioner is even close to bullying. I need to do this my way (when the fire has died down a bit). I cannot just stand by and let abuse happen to me any more .It gives it license to prosper. Your way seems to be more retreated and passive. Do it your way if that is what makes sense to you .It makes NO sense to me. That way is the way of the beaten child and that was how it was for me as a kid -I don't have to take this shit any more in silence.

I am feeling depressed and tired now so I need to go watch Maximus( after I go to my AA)..Talk soon

David P.

[vunil]

just popping in before I try to grab a LITTLE sleep--

My impression of your therapist, David, is that she is a dimwit.  I don't mean that as a general insult-- I think she genuinely isn't that smart or intuitive.  How old is she?  How long has she been practicing?  She is working from one book, for heaven's sake, and while it's an ok book it is a pop psychology book that should not be the be-all end-all of a therapist's arsenal on family relationships.  And having everyone in the room read it as if she was assigning homework makes her seem pretty amateur.  You can't deal with particular client's issues by just handing them a book, anyway.  Not that books are bad, but she is trying to take a short cut that really smacks of lack of experience and/or dimwittedness.

She also seems to memorize psychological ways of talking without any sense of what she is saying or how it fits in her general philosophy (if she has developed one, which I do not think she has).  So, Susan Forward talks about confrontation and she is all for that.  Then someone else talks about "it is all perceptual" and "it is important not to make definitive judgments in relationships" and she says that to you.  Of course, the two notions lead in utterly different directions in your case, leaving you understandably confused-- what the heck is she trying to say to you?  She doesn't know, herself.  She doesn't even seem to acknowledge that she is being inconsistent.  There's nothing really wrong with either the idea of confrontation or the idea of re-coding things in your mind to better live with what happened, but either philosophy takes commitment and a particular life view-- just switching mid stream like that is-- well, dumb.  And not helpful to anyone.  MAYBE if she had really followed through and said to your father, "yes, of course it is about David's perceptions-- I assume the perceptions of your son matter to you.  After all, in human relationships all we have are perceptions and it is unclear what your perceptions are, and whether you have any sense of what David's are, and this is a real problem.  If a child perceives abuse, then the family relationship has broken down" or something similarly strong and clarifying then things could have gotten on track, especially if she kept to her guns when he started talking as if his truth was the only truth.

The alternative to my perception is that she so clever that she is at a higher level of cleverness than anyone on this list, in which case her letter will presumably be awe-inspiringly clarifying.  Here's hoping...

[vunil]

ps-- I'm not saying I take the "perception" point of view-- I was just trying to give an example of how a useful application of that point of view might have led to a better meeting.  Saying that "it is all perception" is not a license to be wishy-washy or to run away from definitive statements and clarifications.  Her use of that philosophy missed the point, in my opinion, and basically allowed her to  abdicate responsibility for the situation that she at least in part brought about.   Especially when she let your father say, in effect, "if it's just what David thinks, then it doesn't count."  At that point she should have really stepped up to the plate, and instead she ran away.

[David P]

I am wondering if she will try to tell the Judge in Small Claims Court that "David's claim of lack of service from me is only his perception". Could get to be an interesting case .
 
My Mom called me to 'test the waters''.
 She babbled on as if nothing had happened until I told her that I was in the process of writing out a list of her behaviors which I will not accept from her in future( if we do have any contact.) I could hear her take a huge gasp of air and she screamed ,"WHAT? I BEG YOU PARDON!"  Poor Mom still thinks that she and old Dad can do and say whatever to me in whatever way suits them.
I repeated," I am setting some limits on what I will take from you two in future. When the list is done I will mail you your copy." It sounded like she almost had a stroke- noboby has ever talked to her like that before. This will be a hot topic for her to tell my sibs -talk about stirring the pot.
She sounded hysterical - like a one legged lady in a brush fire. A brandy may help, Mom.

David P.