OR,
God, what a jerk. So sorry for what you have to deal with. I am glad that he is giving you timely ammunition for the court though. I agree 101% that the subject matter is totally inappropriate for the child. I see that you are dealing with the crap with admirable alertness and getting a judge/mediator to review his letters, which is just perfect. How about getting a locked mailbox, so daughter does not have first access to the mail? As she grows older, it is going to be harder and harder for her to not open mail addressed to her. Besides, most likely once ex finds out that his letters are being censored, he will use email or any other way to contact her.
My mom did many things of this kind. My twelve-year old sister was also told about an affair my father supposedly was having. Her primary motivation was to ensure that (a) whoever was her enemy became my enemy too; (b) as David mentioned, to forge a sick alliance between her and me, our little secret. (c) to alienate and isolate me from my support system. For example, when I was eighteen, once of our family friends was taking much interest in me and spared a lot of time to help me with studies, invite me to her family gatherings etc. Mom “innocently” told me that this friend thought that I was mentally ill and may need help, which is why she was going out of her way to be nice to me. I was tremendously hurt by this disclosure and immediately distanced from someone who obviously sensed something was wrong and genuinely wanted to help me.
In your case, since his own brother is on your side, it makes Stbx look pretty bad in your daughter’s eyes. Therefore he wants to devalue the brother and portray him as an unfaithful liar so that he everything else the brother may have to say re. the divorce can also be devalued by the daughter and Stbx can redeem his own image in his daughter’s eyes. I think he will most likely pass on the info. to the daughter in a meeting or whatever. Consider this a dry run. If it works, the next alliance he will try to forge will be against you….
OR:
have the letter and will claim I never saw it.
Not a good idea to lie to her. She is bound to find out the truth, especially since you’ll use it in court, and it’ll undermine your authority with her and crack the trust. I’d casually tell her that the letter contained adult material inappropriate for her. Or better still, let her T deal with this one.
Is your brother-in-law really having the affair? If not, inappropriate as it is, I’d show the letter to D and have brother-in-law’s wife talk to D about it, so that you put an end once and for all about lies of this kind, and reduce the chances that D will believe Stbx in future. Otherwise you have this sword hanging over your head.
OR:
Another question, should I tell his brother incase something ever comes up in the future?
Definitely. I would contact him right now and nip this game in the bud, or else the lies may get out of hand in a blink. I’ve found that when harmless third parties are used as ploys by Ns, the best way to prevent further misunderstandings is to expose them right there and then, as a proactive measure, to prevent the misunderstanding from spiraling.
OR:
This letter tells her how he may never see her again, he needs more surguries.
My mom used the same tactic. She’s been on the verge of death for the last 35 years. Objective is to arouse guilt and abandonment anxiety in D. I would try to mention this casually and humorously, and somehow indirectly get the point across to D as to how her father is prone to histrionics and exaggeration etc. If necessary, point her to medical articles re. prostate cancer or whatever he may have, and show how high the survival rates are, so D can learn to examine factual evidence for herself.
OR:
He will be thinking his bomb shell has hit
I would not underestimate him. Once he finds out the extent to which you are willing to go to protect the daughter, he will raise the stakes, cruelty of his tactics will escalate, and you will be dragged into having to deal with all that. I am so sorry that you have to put up with all this.
Longtire, your relationship with your daughter seems very sweet. I think building a loving and healthy relationship is the greatet gift you can give her. Don't think that you have to verbally thrash out every issue all the time; somethings are better conveyed with a look or a hug.
OR, I think you are doing a super-duper job of dealing with this nightmare, and seem to be in control. You have a T lined up for your daughter, have your in-laws on your side, are having a mediator review his letters, and are maintaining a good relationship with your daughter on top of everything else. Power to you!
Hugs, Marta