What do you do when...?

[Autumn5775]

 Why continue to live when your life has no meaning and there is no one to rescue you when you need them most.  What do you do when all your life you've managed to lose all your friends b/c you didn't believe in yourself, in return, they didn't believe in you.    They don't know how.  B/c you didn't show them how.  And eventually lose respect for you and lost interest in you.  What do you do when you don't even have 1 friend to be there for you when you need them most?   What do you do when you are drowning into oblivion?  B/c you are already oblivious to everyone.  How can anyone live for long in a life of no love and inner peace?  I can't.   All my life, I see myself as a failure.  How can I go on existing this way?   I have no motivation to continue on living.  I have no reason to live.  All around me, I see myself as a failure.  And all the failed friendships I've ever had, I think I had a lot to do with that demise.  Everyone one of them.  Now, I don't even have at least one friend I can confide in.  Not even one.  Why do I continue to hold on when there is nothing to hold on to?   All my life I've been a failure in relationships, and made regretable decisions.   I hate the fact that I hate my life.    No one is meant to live this way.  It is too miserable to live without love.  Which I have none.   I don't even know how to give it to myself.  How am I ever to know how to give it to others?  All I ever want was to feel like I belong.  I can't think back to a time when I feel like I totally belong.  My life just feel so meaningless.  What do you do when you feel no sense of belonging and you have nothing to hold on to?

Thank you for reading.  I needed to release my private miserable but real feelings.  Feelings that if revealed to those I know would only be accepted with pity and disdain.

Autumn

[Gail]

Please, Autumn, if you are suicidal, call a suicide prevention hot-line, your doctor, or go to the emergency room.  A symptom of severe depression is feeling hopeless, like things will never get better.  It can be treated if that's what is going on.

You are a precious, unique individual, no matter what you've been through or how much despair you feel. 

Let us know your story.  People here care.   

Gail

[onlyrenting]

Autumn,  Feeling to belong to something, takes work.

Don't give up, make yourself available to just one person. You may have failed at someting but this does not make you a failure. Don't compare yourself to someone else. You are autumn with many talents not yet being used. Find a reason to belong to a group like a chruch or school or AA support for someone who needs help.

I know the sadness of wanting to belong, it is lonely and depressing. People need people, make yourself available, you need to reach out when you feel no one is reaching for you. The darkest before the dawn.
The light is just around the corner, don't miss it..............

I have to go.........((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))  OR

[vunil]

Autumn, please hang in there.  Please do realize that this is the depression talking-- it is insideous but it isn't you.  Please call someone, keep posting here, do anything to reach out.  We will try to catch you-- you belong a lot of places, including here.  That feeling of hopelessness-- I have had it, a lot of us here have.  Please know that it goes away, that it is not your birthright or even anything about you.  And please know that you are much more special and important than you realize.  The world has a plan for you.

love,
Vunil

[Plucky]

Hello Autumn,
you have taken a very good step,coming up to this board where many people have had the same feelings.  I know I have.  This is a good place to find friends who will not reject you due to what you think are your flaws.    I also feel that I canot make friends, no matter what, and the loneliness is difficult to take.  You are not the only one.

Come back and tell us more details.  How did you get to where you are.  What happened to you?   We are listening.
Plucky

[Sallying Forth]

Welcome to the board Autumn! Glad you found us. I know those feeling. Have said those very words many times. It is depression talking. Please get some help and continue to write here. We will listen. We will hear you. You are not alone.

Please tell us your story.

Gentle hugs, ((((((((((((((Autumn))))))))))))))

[Bloopsy]

(((((Autumn))))you belong here . I know it is a computer message board but over time it comes to seem like a whole heart network of kind and loving people. I am sorry you are suffering so much. Please keep posting and please take care. I have felt the way you do before ( I think ) and I know it seems it will not get any better, but it really really does!

[Sela]

What do you do when...?

Autumn, you do what you just did......you reach out.

Good for you!  It's not nice or easy to bare your soul like that.  That took great courage.  Please keep posting.  You are not alone here.  Lot's of people here are with you.

It's like a negative revolving circle isn't it?  You feel bad about yourself and so your relationships reflect that....they don't work out.......then you feel worse.  Round it goes.

There is a way to reverse the circle.  These feelings about yourself come from thoughts about yourself.   The way to change the direction of the circle and to feel better is to.......think......better.

Does that sound too simple?  I'm sure it does but it's not really.  It's tough to do but doable.  All of these negative thoughts you have about yourself have taken time to evolve and have been repeated over and over until they have taken hold.  To reverse that.....you must forcefully think positive thoughts about yourself, over and over many times until THEY take hold.

Here's one good thought you can think about yourself, which is evidenced by the fact that you have shown courage and reached out here:

"I am brave."

Are you attracted to people who are down, who feel really yucky about themselves, who feel hopeless?  Probably not, right?  In order to attract people who are up, who feel good about themselves, who are hopeful.......you have to be those things.  It takes great effort and determination, which you may think you don't have.

Decide to change that thought.

"I am determined to work toward feeling happy, feeling good about myself and having hope.  This will take effort, on my part, which I am willing to invest."

Over and over.

You are in charge of your thoughts.  You can choose to put a stop to those negative thoughts that are dragging you down.  As soon as a negative thought starts.....tell yourself:

"No.  I'm not thinking that anymore.  I've decided to feel good about me."

And get up, move, do something else, post here, find an activity to keep your mind busy.....crossword puzzle, read a book, write down all the things in the world you like, one happy memory, whatever it takes to get your brain focussed on something positive.

After awhile, you will find those negative thoughts don't spring into your head so easily and when they do.....you can easily put a stop to them.  Then you can choose to think good things and feel better.  Eventually, you will be happier, most of the time, think reasonably well of yourself, feel hopeful about the future and that.....will attract others who are similar.  The outcome might be that one...very good friend you want so badly but even if it isn't.....you will be in a much better state.

Hope this helps some.  I know it's not easy and it seems impossible but the bottom line is.....

no one else can control what you think and your thoughts have an immense effect on your feelings. 

Once you do a little of this and see for yourself, you will be on your way toward change for the better.

Sela

[Awen]

(((((Autumn)))))

Please don't give up!  Lots of people are/ have been in a similar situation and get/have gotten help and friendships (and loves) they needed through making contacts on the internet.  Oh yes, one must be VERY careful, but there are tons of good caring people out here - listen to your intuition and watch for red flags... talk here on this board as the people here are wonderful and will give sound advice!  Most of all, know you have done the right thing to reach out. 

[Autumn5775]

Thank you all for responding!

Suicide is a fleeting thought for me.  I felt more desperate than suicidal.  If that makes any sense.  I think for me, the next logical step is to check myself into a therapy session.  Up until recently, I've thought that therapy is too far-fetched for me.  But, now, I think that is the only hope for me.  I cannot do this on my own.  I've tried many times...only to find myself back where I left off.  I'm in a self-defeating vicious cycle that I don't know who to get out.  I think a wise, caring therapist can help me break this cycle.  I have no idea on how to find a reputable therapist, but that is what I need to do.  I can't go on living this way.  I know I wasn't meant to live this way.  I know I deserve as much happiness is the next person.  I do have a lot to give, starting with giving to myself what I need.  I just don't know how.

Thank you for hearing me!!!

Autumn

[Gail]

Hi Autumn,

I'm so glad and relieved you posted today.  I'll pray that you find the right therapist.  Also, sometimes medication for depression can make a huge difference. 

One thing to be careful of.  If you are seriously depressed, therapy can make things worse without some relief of the depression.  All of the feelings that therapy can stir up, and memories that are refreshed, can be too difficult to handle if your brain chemistry is really out of whack.  I know that because of my experience when I had a serious depression many years ago in my mid-20's.  I thought I only had a few things bothering me, then through pretty bad therapy realized it was much bigger than I thought, leaving me absolutely devastated.  Thankfully, a friend put me in touch with a very kind and competent psychiatrist who treated the depression first, then helped me sort out my past.

We're all pulling for you!  Please let us know how you're doing.

Gail

[genuine]

Dear Autumn,

Please don't think your failed friendships are your doing. I speak from experience, all of mine failed too but only because they were not the right friends for me and were toxic. I am not ashamed to say, the only friends I have, are online. WE are all your friends, care about you and your feelings and above all are here for you. You are not a failure, just going through a bad phase at the moment..please remind yourself "it will pass". If you ever need to chat, I am on yahoo (malia26au) and aol (genuinefreebies).

Wishing you much Happiness
genuine

[Moira]

Hi autumn!! Keep posting! I've been posting here for a few months and have found that people here are amazing and so supportive. always here to listen non judgmentally and have lots of wisdom and empathy. I believe that although our stories are not exactly the same all the core issues and pain are the same. I too have suffered all my life from childhood on, from severe depression. decades of hospitalizations and suicide attempts and black despair. I agree with I think it was Gail, a good therapist/shrink can be a life saver. Was for me. therapy should only address coping strategies for immediate crisis before even contemplating dealing with core issues. I also agree that if possible try to be open minded to medication- may just be short term and can really make an incredible difference to your life. It's saved me. Kudos to you for posting here- you can talk daily and get to know us and again, from my experience it's been invaluable and is helping save my sanity. I too am in the painful process of shedding toxic friends from my life and facing the seemingly daunting prospect of finding healthy people. I'm an introvert and thought it would never be possible. But, it is happening and once I've started reaching out to one person, all kinds of others are coming into my life. Please talk to someone- a crisis line for mental health, people here, anyone in your life who is supportive- about your suicidal thinking. Take care of yourself in terms of sleep and eating etc. You are a good person and deserve peace and happiness and a life full of good things. Hugs! Moira

[mum]

HI, Autumn. I am so glad you are here, and that you recognize that you need help. That's a really positive step in healing ourselves. Therapy certainly helped me.  I think most folks here can understand how bad things can feel at times and I for one, can tell you, there is a way out of this mess. Sure you have to get out yourself (there is no rescue that really works unless we do it ourselves) but it will be the most important and rewarding hard work you will ever do.  There are many mentors and guides on this journey, so.....although you will be in charge of your life.....you are not alone.
Bless you.

[Autumn5775]

Thank you all for your kind words.

I don't know if I feel depress or have clinical depression.  I don't think I do.  But, I think I have anxiety disorder.  I've never quite been able to put my finger on it til now.  My anxiety makes me feel tense and incompetent in doing the simplist tasks, particularly at work.  I always feel afraid of doing something wrong...like I am being judged and graded constantly and I'm getting a failing grade if I make the smallest mistake.    And when I do something wrong than I get all bent out of shape.  I have high blood pressure b/c of my intense level of anxiety.  So, maybe I do need anxiety medication.  Everyday, I feel like there's a little monstrous voice reminding me of all the things that I can't do right and all the mistakes I've made and that I will only make more mistakes...that there is something wrong with me...and I don't matter much when I do something wrong or when ppl think of me with disapproval.  I wish I know how to shut that little voice up.