You are struggling, like all of us, to grasp how and why parents like your's, act in the way that they do.
If your parents showed a compulsive need to control,punish ,demean and belittle ,to sneer and scowl , to undermine and withhold from you all that you value,to cruelly crush your hopes ,wishes, dreams ,feelings and feelings, to treat strangers much better that their own chiildren, to consistently betray and be disloyal to their kids and to side with outsiders against their own children, to create a home atmosphere of fear and tension in which children were'on alert', then you were raised by a parent(or parents) who had NPD( and God knows what elser),
NPD is well known and understood. It is a disease ,a crass,egocentric, self-indulgent,desructive disorder which is every bit as damaging to the family as alcoholism.
N's are as sick as alcoholics -however AA is there to help alcoholics recover. There is no 12 Step deal for N's so they continue to destroy those around them and we,continue to try to paste ourselves back together.
DP