Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

N's beat their children into emotional submission?

(1/4) > >>

Anastasia:
Is it just me or have most of these narcissists (particularly the mothers) just absolutely emotionally beaten the backbone out of most of their children?  I read these boards and see over and over how so many of us are afraid to tell the narcissist off.  
It's time for us to grab back our power, and quit giving it away to others--especially the narcissist because that is the last person to want you to be an independent and functioning human being.  A narcissist loves you being dependent on them for your strokes.  They love being the wise one who tells you how to live your life, which is particularly amusing since they can't even control themself.
I also notice alot of us women had mothers who really don't like other women.  For my Nmother it has to do with womanliness and competition.  Is this true of the Nmothers of the rest of you?  Don't get me wrong:  my Nmother has lots of so-called "friends" who she has always smiled in the face of---and then turns around and talks terribly about them when they walk away.  And she has always done this.  She doesn't like anyone really.   And she doesn't like herself either deep down...trust me.  She knows she is not normal and is neurotically worried people will find out how insecure and immature and jealous she is.
The other thing that has shocked me since being on this board is how similar our horror stories are....yikes!
Has anyone else noticed these things? :?:

Nancy Drew:
Yes, Ana, my mother also talks about anyone and everyone who has any kind of contact with her.  Sometimes I just can't bear to hear another negative thing. Sometimes I take her to lunch, and sit across from her, hearing the babbling and think to myself "I have nothing in common with you..."  It has taught me NOT to be like that.  I was brought up that way, thinking that's how life was supposed to be..Thank God I think now before I open my mouth.  One by one, my mother has insulted and critisized every person who has willingly driven her around, taken her to appts., and now she is down to one, my cousin, and she is constantly talking about my cousin (a widow) who is dating this one and that one, going out dancing (she is 70) and just can't stay home..She usually ends her tirade with "but I don't care..it's her life!"  For someone who doesn't care, she never shuts up about it!  She had a friend, whose daughter used to chauffeur them around, treat them to lunch, etc..but my mother laughed and made so many comments about this woman's dogs (she has no children) and how she talks about them like they are as important as children)--no empathy!!! that she no longer gets treated to excursions with them.  She is burning her bridges as she goes along.  It is very sad..But she is to blame..What can ya do?

Anastasia:
My Nmother doesn't LET them know she is making fun of them.  No, she is much sneakier than that.  She just sits there in silence and goes along with others program, but when they leave the room she rips them a new a-hole.  Different styles.  Neither one is honest.  
And I, too, swore I would never be like "her" and I am not.

CC:
Yes, Anastasia, I find that I have always preferred the company of men to women.  For many years, until I matured, I felt somehow inferior to many women, even though on the outside I was very "popular" and had a lot of women "friends".  I was in a sorority in college - but I did it more for social reasons than having girlfriends - as a way to meet men!   I used to be annoyed with a lot of the conversations women had, finding them mundane (especially if they involved children, childbearing or pregnancy)!

I never really thought about why this was, but I am certain now it has something to do with Nmother. My mother has always been incapable of intimate relationships.  Her relationships with women are because they are socially superior people, or have some affiliation with something she values.  But when she has a "problem", she never confides in any of these women.

 I have a few healthy, close relationships with women now that I trust and have maintained them for years, but I still tend not to seek out the typical women-like clubs or activities.  I am more content hanging out doing just about anything with my husband instead of going for coffee with a female neighbor other something.  At neighbor's parties, I tend to be in whatever room the men are hanging out in rather than the women - and it's definitely not a sexual issue. Honestly, I think some of it is trust.  I tend to trust men more than women.. My father was NOT a narcissist.

Interesting point you make.  Has this been your experience?

catlover:
Anastasia,
I can totally relate to everything you said (and I have to wonder if this topic wasn't prompted in part by my story... does that make me a narcissist?  ha ha - my therapist said I'm too codependent to be one).

One of the reasons I went into therapy recently is my inability to state my truth calmly and assuredly, because my backbone has been "emotionally beaten" out of me by my Nmother.  But it also has to do with my terror of being like her!  I am so afraid that I am being selfish or too demanding like she is, so it's hard for me to trust that when I feel I need more from someone, that I really deserve it - that I'm not just being a b*ch like her.

And my mother also has always gotten along better with men than women.  There is definitely a competition issue there.  It was hard for me to make women friends too, because I always felt they were judging me.  I felt I wouldn't be accepted by anyone if there was no possibility for sex hanging in the air. It's getting easier now that I'm in a 12-step program and have learned that women can be really great.  In fact, I have made it a point to hang out exclusively with women in the program (vs men) and have had the added bonus of getting some of the mothering I never had.

The part where you said "they love being the wise one who tells you how to live your life" is so right on.  If you read the last posting I did to the "setting boundaries vs trying to change the N" you'll see just how I've been falling into this trap recently, mistaking it for caring.  Also, the ONE female friend my mother has had for years was always the dependent type who came looking for advice.

Nancy Drew, I had to laugh when you wrote that your mother says "it's her life!"  That is exactly what my mother says when I choose a path she disagrees with.  (Well, actually she says, "It's your life!", but it's the same thing.)  Basically that translates to:  Well, if you don't do what I think you should than I could give a rat's a*s about you.

And YES, I have noticed how similar others' experiences with N's are ... it has been amazing me ever since I started reading this board.  I am so blown away by it I can't even tell you...[/quote]

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page