npd friend

[Bloopsy]

my friend that I haven't seen for 9 years came to visit NY and came over last night and it was horrible. She is a flaming n and it is the worst. I always thought that she loved me and respected me like she said  but have found out that she was laughing at me and jusging me  the whole time. i was very out of control and messed up in college, and a lot of the other kids there thought that that made me "interesting" or whatever, and that was creepy because I knew that that was just how I was and not a pose to be rebelious or something like the other kids, and also I was really struggling and faced death defying situations, and now have finally admitted to myself that I was being used as entertainment for boring rich kids and it makes me want to puke. My friend who is really my friend told me that people including my boyfriend used to give me alchohol just to get me drunk and watch and laugh at me. Anyway  i hadn't seen her for about nine years, and she stayed for 3 hours, and engaged in a 3 hour long monologue about herself. She is a stuck up hipster intellectual, and she was talking about this John Waters film that featured a blonde character that was considered to be retarded and would run around crazy. She then said "Like-" and then stopped herself from saying "you" . My blood ran cold with disgust and shame. I never knew that she degraded me in her mind so much. She spent the whole night soliliquizing and talking about herself and romantisizing herself and oh my god it was so horrible.  My other friend who is not n is coming today, and we are all planning to go out to a show. I know from what I have read about n that there is just no point in engaging with them at all in any way. I just don't want to be hurt any more. I tried to tell her about how I had been molested, as I had spent the day in the hospital and was feeling tired, and also i thought that that was what friends do, but she just looked at me and made a fake sad face and didn't even ask what had happened and then later she went on about how one time a friend had made her touch her leg and expected tons of sympathy.  I am so hurt and ashamed. I have to spend some time with her tonight for my other friends birthday, and I would really really really appreciate any survival tips. I know I have been posting a lot, heres hoping things will calm down soon.

[David P]

You cannot have 'an NPD friend' - nobody can . The concept is a contradiction, an oxymoron.  You could have an NPD acquaintance or a neighbor or a roomie, but NPD's cannot perform as functional friends need to do to be true friends.

 To answer your question about survival tips around NPD 'people' - Firstly,talk all about yourself. If the conversation stalls or pauses, mention something you did of which you are really proud.
 Secondly,when the N starts bragging ,tell the audience about how you have been to bigger, better,more expensive and more impressive places than the N ( just make it up -the N surely is !)
Tell them how you have done it all and seen it all. Really lay it on and tell it looking the N straight in the eye.

This stuff is guaranteed to move the N about two galaxies away from you( with a little luck)

DP in TX

[seasons]

I loved David's suggestion, compared to mine, which would of been to hide from them!
I also agree, you can't have a friend that is an "N". We all know that deep down, I needed to hear that also.

Good luck.

[vunil]

Another thing you can do is ask them all about themselves and then pretend to be interested or listen.  You can do this as a game to yourself; they will never know you aren't fascinated with them.  You could also introduce them to someone else (preferably someone you don't like that much) and suggest they tell this new person all about themselves.  They will!

I have had friends like this.  The only thing you can do is separate from them.  At least you realized it now.  You might also tell your real friend that N "friend" is making you crazy right now and please if she wouldn't mind holding up more than her end of the conversation with N "friend" for you.  Usually friends will do this for each other (within reason) when someone is driving one of them utterly crazy.  I have asked for this help before.

At least you can compare notes with your real friend later.

You could also get brave and cancel on N friend and go to the movies without her.  That would be less nice, but how nice is she to you?

[Bloopsy]

thanks guys those are great suggestions.
.  I will try to use those suggestions to keep my distance.  Davis P. , LOL ! That would be a train wreck!!! Thanks for the laugh!

[Sallying Forth]

A N friend is NOT. They don't know how to be a friend, period.

I've been in your very situation. I cut off the relationship in mid sentence. Dropped her like a hot potato and ignored all her attempts to further communicate with me. It must have really pissed her off the last couple of times we were together because I talked incessantly about me. Normally I allow her to hold the show. But she asked ... so I obliged ... and didn't stop.

I like David P.'s solution.

[Moira]

hi Bloopsy! I agree with all comments that Ns cannot be "friends". Not capable of any friendlike bheavoiur and certainly not capable of emotion and empathy. Only going through the pretense of friendship to get something they want from you. for me, totally cutting them off- in every way- email, visits, mail, phone messages, having others call on their behalf etc- has been the only way to piss them off sufficiently that they move on to a new victim. I've found that alot of Ns, after being rejected and ignored, continue for some time- esp. if you continue to engage them in ANY way( incl. anger, any acknowledgement) to contact you and abuse you. There is a strong element of jealousy and anger that their " object"- that's you!- is seemingly gone, has moved on, is with other healthy people etc. My ex N continued for several months after I thre him out to bother other girlfriends wanting to know who I was with now, where I was going and had several public aggressive arguements with male friends of mine- and his- accusing them of " hitting on me and exploiting me because IM'S sooooo vulnerable after the breakup". Tells new acquaintances of his that I'm his " girlfriend"- carries pics of me in his wallet and flashes them liberally. Again, he still considers me to be his object- representing that he has a woman who is bright, attractive etc- a feather in his cap and something to show off and make other men jealous. " Look WHAT I've GOT " ( What and got being operative words- says it all!) I am weaning an N male acquaintance out of my life- is a lawyer- surprise, eh?!. Unbeleivably narcissistic and abusive to women. Extremely grandioe. Anyway- he is also OCD and sends me- and others- at least 20 personal grandiose emails daily( have now changed email- has been going on for 3 wks. of our acquaintance). Leaves me 10-15 mssgs daily on my phone- not being returned. Erased without listening. Knew through a friend( fooled by this guy- told her we knew each other well- just " reconnected)- that I see a psychiatrist. He actually called and left shrink a message " M.'s not returning my calls and emails, I have to speak to her...she's obviously really ill and needs to be i n hospital" !!!!! Says it all, don't it?!! Hugs Moira

[Plucky]

Hi Bloopsy,
you've had a lot going on lately!
This advice is probably too late for you, but you do not have to go anywhere you don't want to.  You have just been through several wrenching experiences.  There is no need to for you to try to fill anyone else's obligations.  Your needs are more important.   If you need to stand them up, do it.  You can always explain later if you must.  If you say no and they don't listen, just don't show up!  Or say you have a stomachache and leave.   Your needs are first.   There is no reason in the world that a visit or a birthday or whatever, should make you overextend yourself when you need to look after you!  Why attend the party of aperson who won't even listen to you tell that you were abused!  You are important, you deserve to meet your own needs, let them meet their own needs. 

As for the other stuff.  Most of the things that are bothering you a lot now have been going on for years and years.  The difference is that now you are aware.  Your eyes are open.  You can see what si going on and you know it is wrong.  You know you will reject it.  You are in the process of doing that.

This is such a good thing, Bloopsy.  It may hurt more than you feel you can stand.  But remember that things are not really worse - you are just seeing them for what they are, and that realisation is leading you to a solution which will eradicate the sicknesses from your life, little by little and for good.

You are on the healing path, and to me you sound like you are going all the way.   You've got a hard bit to slog through now.  Give yourself all the support you need. Forget about meeting the needs of others.  Let others look after you for a change.

Wishing you all the support and strength you need.
Plucky