Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Looking for answers

(1/3) > >>

Portia:
Post 1

CC:
Dear Portia (that's a beautiful name):

I think you are very brave to have come here and share your story.  You are in a safe place here and are making a safe step to recovery.

The first thing that came to mind from your post was a reaction to what you said about suicide.  If you take no other advice from this board, please listen to this:

THERE IS NOTHING COURAGEOUS ABOUT SUICIDE.  

I can understand why you might have felt that way sometimes, but suicide does nothing but hurt the people that you left behind, and doesn't make the things you are dealing with now go away, even if you think it will.  A truly courageous person is the one who chooses to go on, like YOU have. I believe the opposite of what you said is true: suicide is for the WEAK, not the other way around.  You are stronger than that because you have made another choice.

Please don't be afraid of counseling if you have the resources to get it.  I know some people here have had bad experiences with a counselor... But the truth is the vast majority of therapists have true good intentions and in my honest opinion I think that after hearing some of your story I think you would really benefit from it.  It is good that you tried to confide in a family member about how you are feeling, but the problem is that most families, especially when dysfunction exists, will do their best to "cover up" the stuff they themselves are uncomfortable dealing with.  You are not likely going to get the comfort, understanding and solace you need from your mother's immediate family members.

Therapy is only a part of healing, but sometimes it takes a person (therapist) outside of ourselves and our family to point us in the direction of how we do it.  We often have lived with what we were taught as "normal" families for so long, we don't realize that it might not be so "normal".  I have seen three different counselors, all of them for over two years, at different times of my life, and they all helped - so there is some positive feedback for you on the therapy issue. The last one has brought me "home" so to speak, and I have, for all intents and purposes reached my potential in counseling with her.  The rest from this point forward is applying what I learned and living real life as the real me.  And I know there are many others here whom have had positive experiences as well.  And let's not forget - the creator of this wonderful board is a therapist himself.

If you seek out a therapist and you somehow feel that they are wrong for you, you will know it right away.  Don't be afraid to change to another if that's the case.  It is a very personal thing.   But if you have thought about going - it means that psychologically you are ready to do some work, and you should act on it because some people are never lucky enough to get to that point.  You will make it work for you because you want to.

I am sorry for your pain.  Please know that there is a way out of this, and that coming here is a great first step.  Please go back into old posts on this board and look for one thread called "Books that have helped you understand".  There is some great reading in there that may guide you in your healing and is great if you are a little apprehensive about seeking therapy yet.  Good Luck to you.

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---Yes she’s unable to empathise with anyone. But she loves to give therapy and advice to others.

She never blames herself for anything. . She has told me way, way too much about her ‘romantic’ encounters since the husband  

I would just like to start living my own life but I’m coming to think I’m somehow emotionally stunted  

I realise now the weird dynamics of why he blamed me for her problems: and why she now blames him for everything.
--- End quote ---


I pulled these statements from your post partly to get a little clarity on how you perceive this situation and partly to let you know how many adult children of N parents have seen, heard and experienced these very things.  I'm not a psychologist so keep in mind that my response is a result of the years of "work" that I have done separating myself from my own mother.  If you look at any description of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-pe07.html), you'd find many of the descriptions of your mother there: non-empathic, blaming (everyone else creates negativity, except the N), no boundaries in the information they share with children.  And for yourself as a child, the extreme sense of responsibility.  You also might want to read a little on the Boarderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which may account for the other bizzare behaviours.

I'd like to offer three books that have helped me more than I could have imagined.
Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown, Why Is It Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss, Trapped In The Mirror by Elan Golomb, anything by Alice Miller and the articles written by Dr. Grossman attached to this site.  

Also, another book that I've found particularly useful is: Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman.

I hope you'll find these helpful and that you'll keep in touch here because it is a great place for support and information.

All the best,
Pat

Rojo:
Hi, Portia

I can only agree with everything CC said.  Years back, I was feeling trapped in a complete muddle of crazy making, lifeforce sucking crap...the problems I had seemed so complicated and enormous that I just didn't know what to do, which way to turn, where to start, who to talk to, what the solution was...I was completely overwhelmed but like you, I chose to be here and keep fighting for my happiness.  I'm so glad I did.

It all changed with the help of therapy.  Personally, my experiences with 2 therapists over several years were the most positive, life changing miracles imaginable.  Most countries have some level of support therapy available through government programs so if your health insurance doesn't cover it, perhaps you can find a non-profit group in your area.  Check with your general physician...he or she will most likely know what's available and point you in the right direction.

God bless, Portia.  You deserve happiness and good things in your life.  These are your Godgiven rights so don't let anyone or anything tell you otherwise.  This board is a wonderful place, too.  Anything, and I mean anything you say here will be treated with love and understanding.  There are some wonderful, sweet people here to help and support you anytime you need to vent or need to hear another opinion.

Rojo

Rojo:
me again...sorry, Pat, I agree with you, too.  You and I were posting about the same time and I didn't see your post till after I'd hit submit.

 :wink:   Rojo

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page