Double Standard Sex and Jealousy

[dandylife]

Does anyone have the problem of dealing with double standards with their N partner? Mine (male) visits many many porn sites, has a huge vast library of soft porn, soft porn magazines arrive daily, he flirts outrageously with women, yet if I even chuckle on the phone with a male person I am harassed with how I "fraternize with the enemy" and how terrible I am for making him feel less of a man. I could go on and on but this is the problem facing me now.

Anyone seeing a connection between extreme jealousy and narcissim?

[mum]

Hi, Dandy. Um, I just have to ask: why are you with this person?
And to answer your question: yes.  Huge double standards. Why? Because the world revolves around the N, everyone else must understand this or be subjected to some type of abuse to keep them "shut up" and in the subservient postion of allowing the N free rein on horrible, disrespectful behavoir.
Frankly, your partner sounds like an abuser. Are you ok?

[Brigid]

Welcome dandy,
I was married to an N for 22 years who was heavily into porn, but I was unaware as he had it delivered to his office and he hid it in the house.  I only found out about it when he decided to leave the marriage for another woman and finally admitted it.  They find that behavior attractive because there is no intimacy involved.  It is all fantasy with a picture on a page or screen.  There is usually masturbation involved as well.

You do know how disrespectful that behavior is, right?  I can assure you that he will not change his ways or start showing more interest in you than he does in his porn queens.  I hope you can find a way to leave this relationship and eventually enter a mutually respectful relationship.

Brigid

[dandylife]

Thanks for the objective yank back into reality. I had recognized these things and left for 2 years. Then was convinced he had changed. I'm back in the environment now and seeing it again. There are some wonderful parts about this person which he can show, but....I'm doubting it's worth it. There are 2 children involved.

[Gail]

I, too, was married to a man who I later learned was heavily into porn and also going to strip clubs.   We had a great sex life, so that wasn't the problem.  It started before we ever met, but I thought he gave it up.   When I realized what was going on, I did a lot of research on sexual addiction, and it wasn't pretty.  I kept thinking about our teenage daughters and wondering why he couldn't see how degrading porn was to the young women involved in it.  It skewed his thinking completely and destroyed our marriage.

I know this is awful and will pray for strength and wisdom for you.

Gail

 

[mum]

Hi again, Dandylife:
When there are children involved, I know how difficult it is to weigh out the possibilities for your future.
One thing that helped me was indeed to focus on the big picture for my children.
 I asked myself these questions:
Is this the model for love that I want my chidlren to see?
Is this what I want my children to know about how to live life?
Because no matter what, I am modeling what life is about, what inner strength and power is about, what love really is, how men and women should treat each other....
If I am not living and acting in accordance with MY values, then I have no intergrity and I am not doing my job as a parent, which is to teach by example.
I did not want my children to think that the cheating, lying and verbal abuse that my ex did, was what marriage should look like...or that's how people in "love" treat each other.
I can honestly say, that leaving my children's father was the best thing for them in the long run, and certainly saved me...which may be WHY it was the best thing for the children.  My son, who is almost 18, is  kind, respectful and honest with his girlfriend, and I am certain he never would have learned that if I had stayed with an unkind, disrespectful and dishonest husband.
Was it easy? Not at all, but nothing worth it ever is (remember childbirth?).

It certainly sounds like I am advocating for you to leave this man.  I guess I am, but only because of my experience. You need to take the actions in your life that work for you.  I will send you love, light and strength.  Bless you.

[Moira]

Hi Dandylife and all! I've shared a few times on different threads my experience and thoughts on this topic. I lived with a N who fit all the criteria diagnostically for somatic N and sex addiction. He started down this road when at age 13 he was combining masturbation with drugs and porn. So he learned at crucial and impressionable age to see women as nothing but objects to be used sexually and sae them as body parts. No intimacy at all or even friendships with teenage girls. He used to have agenda in high school of preying on girls who liked him and pressured or seduced them into sleeping with him, only to  abandon and on to the next one. Anyone who spurned him was a "bitch". I discovered his sex addiction by finding numerous phone sex numbers that I discovered he'd had lifelong memberships to. Spent significant amounts of money- incl. money from our joint money account( small amounts so it was not obvious at first). Had a male friend do this research as I had all the necessary info you need to set up membership and find out if current and money spent. confronted him- of course, " I was the liar"- huge crazy making convoluted implausable arguments. Next I discovered multiple porn sites, interactive chat rooms, email addresses of numerous women he regularly corresponded with ( daily) for sex, ads from various escorts who specialize ins" girlfriend experience)- read( hoookers), correspondence with teen age girls incl. pics. Numerous highly disturbing porn, S&M sites. Male porn sites and correspondence with many men. All denied and turned back on me" You're stupid...don't know how computers work...all this was unsolicited( that's why he has approx. 50 different email addresses and all stuff marked- " reply to B"..., phone company has all info wrong- confusing me with someone else". Pathetic childish responses! As for our twisted sex life- again all this behaviour is text book for somatic Ns- no sex for many months at a time( allegedly depressed and was taking antidepressants that do have impotency etc. as side effects). I would make all the moves- he never i nitiated sex and often had to puruse his porn before coming to bed. No touching at all on his part- just the jiucy bits( pardon the pun!). Only missionary position, always in the dark, no talking, and never in daylight. Told me repeatedly that he has never been turned on by naked women- incl. his escorts, teens etc. total fetish with clothes- leather, pvc, latex, S&M, all manner of shoes and heels etc. Would stare atm e with undisguised disgust when he did see me naked and criticize me...too thin, breast too small etc". Not to toot my own horn, but I model, look many yrs. younger than my age and always have men hit on me. bottom line is he was totally incensed when any man looked at me, tried to stop me going out with male friends, listened in on phone conversations, publicly accued friends of sleeping with me... This whole sex addiction has really scarred me and left me feeling disgusted and unable to even think about sex. Can't watch TV, intimidated by young women on the street( ridiculous considering I'm not with him) etc. Am in therapy already and have been for yrs so this area is topic I'm working on. Also have a referral to a psych.trist who specializes in sex addiction for them and significant others/families. Abusive, degrading, self esteem killing torture. Moira  PS- he was spending all day , every day binging on all these activities- didn't work( " too depressed and couldn't find work at his age").

[dandylife]

It's interesting that so much of what we experience with an N (read abuser) is so just under the surface. That must be why we "put up with it", or don't notice it or label it as something else. But when you open your eyes and see it, then it all comes flooding in. I guess that's what I'm experiencing over the past few days. I had hoped and thought that we were on a path that would lead to happiness. But happiness is just not an emotion that's possible for an N. Nothing is ever enough. I feel so drained and emptied of all the goodness in me and there's just a hollowness left. The hallmark of N. 

[Plucky]

Hello Dandy,
I guess that old saying, once bitten, twice shy, was made for this situation!
I'm glad your eyes are open again.  It's not easy to go through the process of dealing with it.  I am probably in the same situation but don't know it yet.  I'm just not ready to deal with it, I guess.

But happiness is just not an emotion that's possible for an N.

This is profound and important, and I am going to try to remember it!

My H told me sexual details (unasked) about his old gf, who was a friend.  Soon I could not look her in the eye any more, so that friendship went down the drain.   But when it came to my past, I even have to pretend I wasn't married before!  It is so tiring to keep my whole past under wraps, and it made me feel like there was something bad and dirty about me.  I also just clammed up altogether so as not to make a mistake and blurt out that I went this place or had that boyfriend.   When I put on sexy lingerie, he made me feel dirty and nasty like a slut (that was the only time).  But he looks at pictures of women wearing things much more, um,  advanced.

Your partner is just controlling you by acting as if you are doing something wrong by interacting with other men, even very casually.  Obviously his opinions have nothing to do with facts or morality or anything other than controlling you.  Just ignore him.  If you try to make sense of it, you will just go in circles.  His logic is not your logic.

Good luck
Plucky

[dandylife]

Plucky, I think you bring up a great point of being with an N. You CANNOT be honest. You must cover up what you really think and always make their world the big bright shining one they want to present to the world. If you "mess up" and don't play along, things go all awry.

I'm thinking that I need to be who I really am, and be able to express what I think whether or not it fits in with his world.

That makes me want to kick his a*s for you.

[Plucky]

Yes Dandy, kick away!
When I finally stopped trying to really make it work with my H, I felt so free.  I realised to what extent I had lost myself.  I went back to a few old interests.  I tried to nurture myself now and then without caring whether he approved of it.  It was a small thing but at least I now realise where I'm going.  When I finally get off my arse.
Plucky