Author Topic: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?  (Read 5539 times)

Chicken

  • Guest
Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« on: October 16, 2005, 02:27:01 PM »
Hi Gang! :)

just wondering what people think about therapy in general and if they feel it really works...and if it does work, how?  How do you know you are not doing damage to yourself!!!????

I have been in counselling about two months now but I find it so painful!!!!!
I find myself on the verge of tears constantly, especially just after a session.  I find myself analysing everything I do and I feel so vulnerable and open.  I really feel lost over who I am and I have lost all confidence in myself.
has anyone experienced this?

I go through points (usually once a week) where I think I will give up going.  I wonder if this is anything to do with the fact that I experience the same thing with my relationships, they have all been on again off again.  I have had this dynamic with my therapist also, i used to see her before, i then quit, then got back to her again and now I want to leave her again!  The topics we cover is making my personality split and I feel like I am out of depth and loosing control, sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't, don't know which side of me to obey!! -hope I am making sense!!
I tell her about my wanting to end my sessions with her.  I think I have some sort of intimacy avoidance.  It doesn't feel like I am avoiding intimacy as such, I am just avoiding the pain it brings, because I do crave intimacy, doesn't everyone?

When I spend a lot of time with my friends (llike a weekend away etc), I get a bit sick of them and I need to get away, I always thought this was normal.  After I spend lots of time with them, I experience some kind of "wierdness", like i want to get away on my own, which I usually hide very well, but I feel like they sometimes sense it too and space is needed in order to set the relationship back to normal...  I always thought this was normal but I think my therapist doesn't.  I am not sure I want to hand over my power to her on this one as I'm not sure I want to suddenly realise that my friendships are just as messed up as my relationships!  I always found solace in my friendships, don't want them to come crashing down aswell.

I feel like I am being broken down!  -stripped of everything...  It feels awful!  does anyone think this is really necessary? 

how do I know if my therapist is going to mess me up?

My dilemma is:

Do I run for cover?
or,
Work this thing through...


Sorry if I've been rambling, I guess I'm trying to make sense of it all...  can't see the wood for the trees where I'm at just now...

Any feedback or stories or advice appreciated!

x Suffering Selkie! x

October

  • Guest
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2005, 02:34:37 PM »
My own advice would be to tell your t exactly what you have said here, and ask her to slow down.

If she either won't or can't, then find another t.

Some people can go at one pace, some at another.  It sounds as if the pace you are following is too fast for you at present.  What you describe in relation to your friends is the normal reaction of a basically introverted person; you enjoy spending time with people, but find it draining and have to spend time alone to recharge your batteries.  Therapy is a very intense relationship, and for those who find any company draining, it can be exceptionally difficult and demanding.  Your therapist should be able to understand this.

An alternative might be to see her fortnightly, rather than every week.  I tried that at one time when I felt pretty much as you describe, and it worked much better.

Good luck.

longtire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 564
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2005, 06:01:04 PM »
Hi Selkie.  I'm sorry to hear that you are having such an uncomfortable time in therapy.

I second everything October said and would like to add a few more points of my own.

I don't think anyone "needs" therapy.  I do think most people need healing.  Therapy is often a good way to get help doing the difficult and painful work needed to heal, but it isn't the only way.  However, if you went to therapy and nothing came up, or only very little and you were able to deal with it easily based on your current resources, then it probably wouldn't help you heal at all.  The way to healing and growth goes through feeling the things you don't want to feel and exploring the things you don't even want to be aware of.  And most importantly, to RE-INTERPRET those things so they no longer cause you fear or pain.  A good therapist can help you a lot with that.  Why go without that help and support?

I agree very strongly that telling your therapist ALL of what you wrote above is a very good thing.  At the very least, you can have your voice and be heard.  Print out this post and read it word for word if you're afraid you will forget or get distracted.  Ask your therapist for an un-interrupted time to read this to them.  Ask your therapist to slow down.  Heck, ask them to remind you to slow down if you get going too fast for your own good.  I felt like most of my therapy was both way too slow and way too fast at the same time!  If your therapist can't or won't listen or help you with these things, then find one who can.  You deserve the support and help of a good therapist in working through these tough issues in your life.

I also NEED my alone time or solitude.  I seem to need more than most people.  I'm OK with that now.  Being around people is great, but I start to feel it physically when I need to have some alone time.  Sometimes that happens somewhere I can't or won't leave like work, a function for my daughter, etc.  In these cases I will at least move out of the group for a while.  Go to the bathroom, get a breath of freash air, get a snack or a drink, whatever to find a place with fewer people.  Sometimes I can leave, so I do. :) There are other times when I don't feel this need.  I don't question it anymore.  If I feel the need I do something about.  If not, then I stay and have the best time I can.  I'll also put in another plug for "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron.  That book describes my life, and I finally appreciate myself and my sensitivity for the gifts that they are.  These things don't get much popular support in this culture.  After all, you don't get onTV unless you are a flaming extrovert!  (Hm, maybe I should start a thread on well-known introverts.  Probably been done here already. :))
longtire

- The only thing that was ever really wrong with me was that I used to think there was something wrong with *me*.  :)

Sallying Forth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 523
  • No longer a venture off the beaten path ...
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2005, 06:13:54 PM »
Hi Gang! :)
just wondering what people think about therapy in general and if they feel it really works...and if it does work, how?  How do you know you are not doing damage to yourself!!!????

Therapy does not work. You do. I know it is a repeat. I've said this on this board several times. No therapist can do anything for you. I do all the work in therapy. My t adds coments here and there but most of my work is done through journaling and writing my books and some artwork.

For me therapy is about learning to have a voice and having a voice. It is about speaking out and being heard.

Quote
I have been in counselling about two months now but I find it so painful!!!!!
I find myself on the verge of tears constantly, especially just after a session.  I find myself analysing everything I do and I feel so vulnerable and open.  I really feel lost over who I am and I have lost all confidence in myself.
has anyone experienced this?

I would question going to therapy and coming out feeling crappier and crappier every time. Not every therapeutic relationship is a good one. And yes it is a relationship between two people. It has to be a match of personalities. And sometimes it doesn't work.

I don't feel crappy all the time. In the beginning I was VERY vulnerable and cried a whole lot. I felt raw on the inside and outside. I no longer feel that way. However I didn't lose all confidence in myself. Rather the longer I was in therapy the more confidence I gained. The more I got to know myself, accept myself and love myself.

Quote
I go through points (usually once a week) where I think I will give up going.  I wonder if this is anything to do with the fact that I experience the same thing with my relationships, they have all been on again off again.  I have had this dynamic with my therapist also, i used to see her before, i then quit, then got back to her again and now I want to leave her again!  The topics we cover is making my personality split and I feel like I am out of depth and loosing control, sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't, don't know which side of me to obey!! -hope I am making sense!!
I tell her about my wanting to end my sessions with her.  I think I have some sort of intimacy avoidance.  It doesn't feel like I am avoiding intimacy as such, I am just avoiding the pain it brings, because I do crave intimacy, doesn't everyone?

Is it possible that when you get close to some of your real issues you get frightened and want to bolt? I've had this in my own therapy.

But then again, if your t is a bad match you might feel like bolting a lot. I did with several horrible t's.

I have felt this at times when dealing with my current t and I like him. It is usually when a heavy duty issue comes up and stares me in the face.

Personality split? Confused about what you mean. Sorry.

Quote
When I spend a lot of time with my friends (llike a weekend away etc), I get a bit sick of them and I need to get away, I always thought this was normal.  After I spend lots of time with them, I experience some kind of "wierdness", like i want to get away on my own, which I usually hide very well, but I feel like they sometimes sense it too and space is needed in order to set the relationship back to normal...  I always thought this was normal but I think my therapist doesn't.  I am not sure I want to hand over my power to her on this one as I'm not sure I want to suddenly realise that my friendships are just as messed up as my relationships!  I always found solace in my friendships, don't want them to come crashing down aswell.

Actually it could be normal if you are introverted and especially if you are INFP. INFPs like to spend time on their own to charge their batteries. If I am around a lot of people or a single person even for a couple of hours, I want, no actually need to get away from them for a couple of days. I need a lot of physical, emotional and mental space. My h is only now accepting of this. He used to fight it. For some people it feels right. An extrovert charges their batteries being around people and action.

Quote
My dilemma is:

Do I run for cover?
or,
Work this thing through...

I would say to trust your gut feelings - your intuition.

Definitely don't let a therapist define you and tell you your need for time alone is abnormal.

Normal is a setting on your dryer. I remember reading that in a book and laughing out loud.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2005, 06:36:11 PM by Sallying Forth »
The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

Sallying Forth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 523
  • No longer a venture off the beaten path ...
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2005, 06:21:06 PM »
I also NEED my alone time or solitude.  I seem to need more than most people.  I'm OK with that now.  Being around people is great, but I start to feel it physically when I need to have some alone time.  Sometimes that happens somewhere I can't or won't leave like work, a function for my daughter, etc.  In these cases I will at least move out of the group for a while.  Go to the bathroom, get a breath of freash air, get a snack or a drink, whatever to find a place with fewer people.  Sometimes I can leave, so I do. :) There are other times when I don't feel this need.  I don't question it anymore.  If I feel the need I do something about.  If not, then I stay and have the best time I can.  I'll also put in another plug for "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron.  That book describes my life, and I finally appreciate myself and my sensitivity for the gifts that they are.  These things don't get much popular support in this culture.  After all, you don't get onTV unless you are a flaming extrovert!  (Hm, maybe I should start a thread on well-known introverts.  Probably been done here already. :))

Hi longtire,
I'm with you - introverted. I get my short time out in this world and then love to come home and be alone.

I get on sensory overload with information and things I see. I have a photographic memory and find it hard to filter out what I want to remember. I've gotten better at this through the years but still it is overwhelming. I see a lot of what other people don't even notice. My h has adhd and he does the same thing. Mine isn't due to adhd though.
The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

Chicken

  • Guest
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2005, 06:31:28 PM »
-Thanks Longtire and October...

I am really confused as to what to do, I am definately going to suggest sessions once a fortnight, I think that's a good idea, thanks for that.  As for whether the counselling is working or not, I just don't know.  I can't seem to figure out if the pain I am feeling is part of the healing or just self sabotage.

Longtire said: "The way to healing and growth goes through feeling the things you don't want to feel and exploring the things you don't even want to be aware of.  And most importantly, to RE-INTERPRET those things so they no longer cause you fear or pain.  A good therapist can help you a lot with that.  Why go without that help and support?"

I am not sure if the pain I am feeling is me feeling the things I previously didn't want to be aware of as you mention.  

I am discovering deep hurts from my childhood and realising that I have never received any form of love, care, attention or affection growing up.  I was never listened to.  Neither of my parents had any interest in what I did or who I was.  I was ignored and neglected.  I was given so much freedom to do whatever I wanted when I wanted that it made me feel uncared for and that I wasn't really of worth...  as a result I did get myself into potentially very dangerous situations.  For example, when I was seventeen, my brother was ill in hospital, I took a half day from school to see him in the hospital, so I hitch hiked into the city in my school uniform!!!  I was allowed hitch hike all over the country, my parents refused to drive me anywhere.  They just didn't seem to care!

There are a lot more painful memories than mentioned above that I seem to be re-living.  I am not sure if re-visiting such painful memories is doing me any good.  I am not sure if my sessions are working, I just seem to have lost all sense of judgement.  I feel like I am so vulnerable that if someone asked me to jump, i would ask how high?  well, I'm not that bad, but i am trying to express that I am very confused and malleable and worried about where i may be led.

Is it possible that when you re-visit such memories, that you sort of regress to the state of mind you were in then?  except this time you are taking your adult self along to take a look?

x Selkie x

Chicken

  • Guest
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2005, 06:46:42 PM »
Hi Sallying,
It's interesting that you say that I have to do the work in therapy, I think I was depending on my therapist to fix me and certainly to define me.  I have been disappointed that she isn't meeting those needs, but maybe it is good that she isn't!! -they are things that must come from me.  I have to come to the defence of my therapist, she is a lovely woman and basicallly will do anything the way I want to do it.  If I wanted to take it slowly, she would.  If I wanted to cut down our sessions, she wouldn't have a problem with that.  She has allowed me to come and go, she has always treated me with kindness, professionalism and respect.  No problems there.  She lets me lead the way and it's strange as I've never really had that before.  I have always been, or rather allowed myself to be, dominated. 

Sallying, you have given me good advice here, and that is to do the work myself.  I think I need to write more.  Journal my thoughts.  Put them in their right boxes etc.  I know that I need to write about stuff as it gets it out so much better.  I know this as i have discovered things, so many things via this site from simply writing about them!

Thank you for that

x Selkie x

Sallying Forth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 523
  • No longer a venture off the beaten path ...
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2005, 06:59:31 PM »
Is it possible that when you re-visit such memories, that you sort of regress to the state of mind you were in then?  except this time you are taking your adult self along to take a look?

x Selkie x

For me it goes beyond that because I am multiple. I have wee ones who come out inside and tell me about the bad memories and things which happened.

I've spoke with others who describe it like you did above. For everyone it is different.


My h's Nparents were like yours, neglectful. At age 5 he was told to get his haircut. He had to cross very busy intersections in Hollywood, CA., by himself! Frequently his mother would ask him to go to the store by himself. This started at age 5 and continued throughout his childhood. That is profound neglect to expect a  child to cross busy streets in a city alone. It was a different time but still a dangerous situation. My Nparents were the same, placing me in vulnerable situations where there was clear neglect. I went to the store for my mother when I was a child too. I had to walk or ride a bike for 4 city blocks to get to the store.

You were vulnerable, Selkie, and your parents placed you in a more vulnerable and precarious position. They didn't protect you. They neglected you.

((((((((((((Selkie)))))))))))))

You were voiceless child. I can so much relate to that pain of being not known, not cared for, not listened to and not paid attention to.

And I can relate to placing myself in dangerous situations. As a very young child (and up to a teenager) I would play in a gulley. This gulley would fill with flash floods when it rained. I used to climb up the cement drainage pipes and listen for the rushing water. Then I would race the rushing water out of the cement pipes and scramble up the steep embankment of the gulley to freedom. Very crazy but then that was a reflection of my crazy childhood. I was reenacting what was done to me.

The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

longtire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 564
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2005, 07:57:22 PM »
I am not sure if the pain I am feeling is me feeling the things I previously didn't want to be aware of as you mention. 

I am discovering deep hurts from my childhood and realising that I have never received any form of love, care, attention or affection growing up.  I was never listened to.  Neither of my parents had any interest in what I did or who I was.  I was ignored and neglected.  I was given so much freedom to do whatever I wanted when I wanted that it made me feel uncared for and that I wasn't really of worth...  as a result I did get myself into potentially very dangerous situations.  For example, when I was seventeen, my brother was ill in hospital, I took a half day from school to see him in the hospital, so I hitch hiked into the city in my school uniform!!!  I was allowed hitch hike all over the country, my parents refused to drive me anywhere.  They just didn't seem to care!
You were neglected both emotionally and physically.  I was as well.  I realize now that my parents just didn't have a clue how to be parents.  They weren't mean or out to get me, they just curled up into themselves and never really came out.  Their parents had never taught them, so I couldn't learn (anything!? :shock:) from them.  It has taken me a long time and a lot of feeling my un-processed feelings from back then to get to this level of understanding.  For me, it is not re-living, though it feels that way.  It is finally accepting, acknowleging and even loving and cherishing those feelings.  MY feelings, that I haven't let be part of me for so long.

In the last week, I finally figured out what I am doing in therapy these days.  I am finally processing all those overwhelming feelings, memories, and experiences that I had as a kid, but was completely unequipped to handle.  My parents didn't help, and even contributed to quite a bunch of it.  On top of that, I was a very aware little boy.  I took everything in (still do :)).  My parents seemed to be numb the vast majority of the time.  They simply avoided reality so they didn't have to deal with anything (they were not equipped either).  I didn't have the ability to numb out then (I learned later :(), so I spent the first 8 years or so of my life feeling completely overwhelmed by everything.  One of my earliest memories (~2yo) was going to a basketball game, but it was so loud and I couldn't shut it out even with my hands over my ears.  I cried the whole time until we finally left early.  That is pretty much how I felt for most of the start of my life, completely and utterly overwhelmed in every way.

Quote from: Selkie
There are a lot more painful memories than mentioned above that I seem to be re-living.  I am not sure if re-visiting such painful memories is doing me any good.  I am not sure if my sessions are working, I just seem to have lost all sense of judgement.  I feel like I am so vulnerable that if someone asked me to jump, i would ask how high?  well, I'm not that bad, but i am trying to express that I am very confused and malleable and worried about where i may be led.
Going back to put these feelings back into place either causes or requires (both?) a change in viewpoint.  If that point of view is changing from something familiar (unvalued) to something completely new (being valuable and valued), you might not even recognize the landscape.  That is enough to send anyone off, in my opinion.

Quote from: Selkie
Is it possible that when you re-visit such memories, that you sort of regress to the state of mind you were in then?  except this time you are taking your adult self along to take a look?
I had to get in touch with my "inner family" to do a lot of this work.  There is me at several different ages, as well as some other functions and abilities personified.  Once I started becoming aware of these separate pieces, I was able to start finding out what they did and why and what they were really meant to do.  As I got better at taking care of myself, I was able to get the different me's to trust the adult me in the here and now.  That cleared up a lot of unintentional self-sabotage and lets me operate from an adult position almost all the time now.  Of course, your experience may vary, and I have read other people here talking about how they can regress when doing this work too.
longtire

- The only thing that was ever really wrong with me was that I used to think there was something wrong with *me*.  :)

October

  • Guest
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2005, 08:33:26 AM »
I have to come to the defence of my therapist, she is a lovely woman and basicallly will do anything the way I want to do it. 
x Selkie x

One small point, Selkie.  I am slightly troubled by the similarity between your therapist being quite so flexible (although in general that would seem to be a good thing), and what you describe of your parents

Quote
I was given so much freedom to do whatever I wanted when I wanted that it made me feel uncared for and that I wasn't really of worth.

If there is a part of you which is looking for someone to not let you take control; to be a responsible, caring adult, and help you to find your path as an adult would help a child, then too much freedom and accommodation from your t might feel to you like neglect.  If it does, then it could lead in turn to transference, and to the extreme reactions that you are having.

Quote
I feel like I am so vulnerable that if someone asked me to jump, i would ask how high?  well, I'm not that bad, but i am trying to express that I am very confused and malleable and worried about where i may be led.

This is consistent with what you have said elsewhere.  You are wanting someone to tell you how to do whatever it is you are trying to do.  We all need this at some point in our lives.  The sad thing is you didn't have it before, and you don't have it now.    What you are still searching for, imo, is the parent-figure who will help you, rather than abandon you to do the best you can with what you have.  The repetition of the insecurity may be causing the feelings to come back.  I don't think you will be led astray, because you still have your adult reasoning self; you still get to choose.  But you are terrified of what it might be like, because you have never had it, at the same time as desperately needing to know that you are safe in someone else's hands.  Something that has never been true of you before.

I think this might be worth considering with your therapist, and if possible, work with her to change the dynamic into a more structured, and less 'freefall' feeling one.  Maybe establish together some ground rules for both of you, and then make them stick.  If that doesn't work, then find a t with the same positive attitude, but perhaps a slightly more directive approach, which does not cause the same feelings.  (As if that were easy!!)

Quote
I find myself analysing everything I do and I feel so vulnerable and open.  I really feel lost over who I am and I have lost all confidence in myself.

I went back to look again at what you said.  This sounds very much to me like a child who is being neglected by its parents.  I know what that feels like. 

Just a thought.  Ignore if it seems daft.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2005, 08:53:52 AM by October »

Brigid

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 793
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2005, 09:43:19 AM »
Selkie,

Quote
I am discovering deep hurts from my childhood and realising that I have never received any form of love, care, attention or affection growing up.  I was never listened to.  Neither of my parents had any interest in what I did or who I was.  I was ignored and neglected.  I was given so much freedom to do whatever I wanted when I wanted that it made me feel uncared for and that I wasn't really of worth...  as a result I did get myself into potentially very dangerous situations.

This describes my childhood and adolescence to a T.  However, I did not hitch rides--I was allowed to take the car as soon as I got my permit so my parents wouldn't have to be bothered with driving me somewhere (we lived a bit out in the country).  I was molested at age 9 and date raped at 16 because I was drunk.  My only sibling was 10 years younger than I.  As soon as I left for college and they no longer had their built-in babysitter, they would just leave him alone at the house every weekend for all their many social engagements.

I was in therapy for a year before I could start talking about the pain of my childhood.  Before that, all our discussions revolved around my xh and all the problems and issues he had and the pain of the divorce.  My T never pushed me to go further back early on, but eventually saw that I would need to do that to really begin the healing process.  He encouraged me to discuss that hurt at my own pace and in whatever form it took.  Once the damn broke, it all started spilling out.  I cried and hurt a lot, but it was the beginning of the true healing.  Through all of this, he always validated my pain and anger.

My T has not healed me, I have healed myself.  He has always explained that his methods are to have the patient go deeper and deeper inside of themselves to heal from the inside out.  He believes that this is the only way to true and lasting healing.  The T my xh sees (or used to, at least) is of the mind that you treat the outside and just make the patient feel good about themselves in the moment.  Of course, this would work for an n since they will never have to visit that very deeply seated pain that has caused their condition in the first place.

If you are like me, therapy is necessary to finally get beyond the pain.  I would have continued in denial that I had any real problems and just found new ways to disguise the pain.  Now I understand it, can talk about it and no longer deny it.  It has created a sense of happiness and freedom that I never knew existed.  Only you know if this can be created by you with your current T or if you need to look further.  IMHO, I don't think it is messing you up from what you describe, but forcing you to go to painful places that all of us are avoiding.  Perhaps you just need to fine tune the process a little to make it a little less painful.

Hugs,

Brigid 

Chicken

  • Guest
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2005, 02:31:14 PM »
Hi Sallying, Longtire, October & Brigid,

Thank you for your invaluable feedback and opinions.  I started my journal last night and felt great relief after, felt like I was doing a bit of weeding in an overgrown garden. 

Sallying, let me clarify what I mean by the "splitting" I said earlier, I just meant that I get kind of confused.  Like I'm in between two minds.  I want counselling one minute and don't want it the next.  This kind of to-ing and fro-ing happens me all the time and I find it extremely draining, like i'm never of one mind on things, always second guessing myself and doubting my judgement...makes decision making very difficult.

October, can you clarify why it is troubling that my therapist may resemble my parents?  I'm not entirely sure what you mean and would be interested to hear your opinion. 

I have been really freaking out this week (as you know) when I came back home and began processing my session with my therapist, i found myself getting really angry and confused.  It seems to me that she jumps from subject to subject too much without any closure on the one before. 
I am left feeling open and confused and feeling like I am a flawed individual.  Maybe this is all in my head, I am not so sure.  What really made me angry is that she is starting to fix things that aren't broken.  Last time we chatted about my friendships which I cherish and which in my opinion have always been healthy and trouble-free unlike my relationships.  I have many friends whom I see every so often, I can talk to my friends in depth about anything and they have always been there for me and are always telling me they love me (and they act like it too).  I made the mistake of telling her that after spending too much time with them I experience "a wierdness" and I feel like I need to get away and be by myself.  I always thought this was normal but she made me feel like I have some sort of problem! 
I am perfectly satisfied with my friendships but I found myself going along with her on that one... until I came to my senses after.  Now I am afraid because I don't know if what she says is true and I have messed up friendships or if she is just grasping at straws, what if I am in denial?  I went to her to try to solve my problems in my relationships with men!  I am not sure i trust her opinion now!  maybe I am being too harsh on her.  Maybe i am experiencing transference.  I am certainly feeling like I do when in a relationship with a man, like I want to bolt...so is this useful stuff?  All I know is that I am scared.
I don't think my therapist is intentionally messing with my head.  She is a lovely woman and I don't think it's her style!

Brigid, we haven't talked about my childhood in counselling yet...and I do feel the need but I don't think I can yet as I hate crying in front of her and I am not sure I would stop if I started.  As soon as I walk into that room, I feel I am going to start bawling my eyes out and that's even before I start talking about general stuff!

October said: This is consistent with what you have said elsewhere.  You are wanting someone to tell you how to do whatever it is you are trying to do.  We all need this at some point in our lives.  The sad thing is you didn't have it before, and you don't have it now.    What you are still searching for, imo, is the parent-figure who will help you, rather than abandon you to do the best you can with what you have.  The repetition of the insecurity may be causing the feelings to come back.  I don't think you will be led astray, because you still have your adult reasoning self; you still get to choose.  But you are terrified of what it might be like, because you have never had it, at the same time as desperately needing to know that you are safe in someone else's hands.  Something that has never been true of you before

This is how I feel to a T so what do I do now?  Do I hand over myself to her or do I trust myself?  Either way I am not satisfied and I am split again as to which way to go...

I guess I need to talk to her about all this stuff, it may be of use




write

  • Guest
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2005, 05:34:34 PM »
I found there were times I needed therapy, and times I needed a break from therapy....and the therapist knew this and thought it was pretty normal.

Healing happens at different stages, you have to trust what feels right for you and go at your own pace, and grow in your own way.

Take care ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Chicken

  • Guest
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2005, 06:48:55 AM »
Hi Write and all,

Yeah, by writing this post and reading your responses, I have done some huge soul searching via writing. 

I have not stopped writing.  I have started asking myself questions and I am answering them.  I have come to the conclusion for the first time in my life that i am struggling with a complete loss of my "self".

I do not listen to myself, I am not sensitive to my own needs. 
I have not got a voice.  Why would I have a voice when I have been suppressing it all these years?  I put other people and their opinions before my own.  I doubt my own judgement.  I deny myself happiness, I give myself shit (pardon my French but i'm on a roll here) relationships as I feel like I don't deserve any better.  I allow people to abuse me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I spot someone who will hurt me and allow them in to my life.  All abusers welcome here.  If you play games and manipulate me, even better, because then I can't figure out what's real and unreal and who's at fault and it keeps me from rescuing myself.

What kind of message am I giving myself? 
I am basically telling my self (through my actions and my behaviour towards myself) that I am worthless.  I am not worth listening to.  That everyone else is better than me so lets listen to what they think and lets go with what they advise.  But they must always be around because you rely on them to tell you what to do, say, think and behave.  Everything must be run by them.  I hand over my power and control of myself to them.  Before i do so, I make sure they are not reliable. 
I have abandoned myself for years, I have picked up where my parents left off.  I carried on this cycle. 
I am not a victim but a perpetrator.  I have been so busy blaming this person and that person and not understanding why I have these people in my life.  I have these people in my life because i am that person, these people are mere manifestations of my self.  I am responsible.  I see my self in my abuser. 

This may seem pretty basic to some of you- but for me, I have just woken up to it.  I have always heard it said, but have never really experienced it.  I can see it now and it's so big.  I feel such a deep sadness well up inside me when i think how I have treated myself.  I am sure I will learn to love myself on my journey back to me, but for now I am happy to see and be aware of how i have been treating myself.

Thank you all for hearing me and allowing me to speak!

x Selkie x

 

miss piggy

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 349
Re: Counselling-Is it messing me up? or is it necessary?
« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2005, 08:08:04 AM »
(((Selkie)))

Thank you for starting this thread because there is so much of me in it.  The introversion, self-doubt, childhood neglect of feelings, all of it.  I wasn't put in danger by default of neglect, but I very much carry around the feeling that no one cares enough to protect me, to advocate for me.  Midlife hormones have helped with the advocacy!  8)

Teh advice above is really terrific.  Just wanted to add that perhaps it would help just to clarify things with your T like you have here.  Eg, "you know, I brought up my friendships the other day not because of any problems with them, but that I wonder if it is normal to need some time to myself........."  or what have you.  This might feel like you are correcting your T, but you are just steering the conversation back where you want it and explaining why. 

This steering of the conversation will also probably feel quite unnatural because you probably have not had the chance or felt empowered to do so before.  At least this is very true of me.  I never correct people during conversations.  Gosh wonder why?  Oh the fallout of growing up with Ns...

As for the actual introversion part, I still struggle with accepting it.  I still wonder if I'm really an introvert (I am) or if this is because I grew up isolated by my family and their restrictions.  It helps me sometimes to know that valuable work is done by people who work alone, although this is never recognized in our society.  (what is except for celebrity status??? I digress.)  There is a pretty neat book called A Party of One which is sort of a battle cry for loners.  But I still wonder why I cannot thrive in the same situations that, what? 90% of other people? do.  I thought going to football games was stupid esp. if you were not interested in the game, but everyone went.  I cannot stand the herd mentality and wonder if I am just simply a contrarian.  If you all say "black", I'm going to stick up for white.  And gray too.

I agree that feelings can be so overwhelming that they are scary and make us feel messed up.  And that it is true that these feelings were created years ago and we can only now begin to deal with them.  If you are feeling overwhelmed there is probably a deeper truth to it, a pain deeper than you could know before. 

I previously wrote about an out of the blue experience with an acquaintance saying something inappropriate to me.  There was no malice or anything.  In fact it was almost like a bolt from the sky, the messenger didn't matter.  I totally over-reacted to what was said (fortunately I kept my thoughts to myself).  So I sat with my overreaction for a while and wondered about it.  I mean, it was powerful, I was shaking, sweating, tingling.  It was a physical reaction to the realization that the hostility towards women in my family was palpable in my house growing up and I had to steel myself against it every day.  I told my H about it and he told me later that his thought was that things were worse than what I had described.  That women were totally second class citizens in my family. 

The reason I share this story is because I might have felt "messed up" (and I did) but it was also a sign of healing, that barriers had been cleared away and I could look the monster in the eye.  And then I could tell it, "Uh, so that's what you look like...see ya!" and run like h*ll until I could face it again.  :shock:  Because the monster will still be there when I can stand to take another look.

Hang in there Selkie!  Hugs, MP