Different outcome of having an N parent

[Gail]

I had a couple of thoughts while walking today.

I was thinking that X BF and I had very similar treatment by an N parent, yet he became an N himself and I became one willing to put up with the abuse of N's.   BF probably is genetically predisposed to be a very independent person, so mistreatment pushed him to the point where that independence became extreme and morphed into narcissism.  My temperament is to be more compliant and sensitive, so the mistreatment pushed me to become too accomodating and willing to take abuse--losing myself in the process.  

I know BF made a conscious decision not be affected emotionally by anything that didn't directly affect him.  He verbalized that to me several times.  He told me that is something didn't directly affect him, he wouldn't let his emotions be touched.  That included child rape and murder, and the extreme suffering caused by the recent natural disasters.  I used to think it was just a show, but now I think he really was able to remain untouched by others' suffering.

He thought of himself, though, as a very "enlightened" person.  To him, that meant being completely unattached to any outcome, including the outcome of our relationship.  But, if he thought someone was disrespecting or inconveniencing him in any way, that would trigger strong emotion.

It's so sad because we could have had a good life together.  I know he was badly hurt as a child, but I've faced that I can't fix him.   I still have the kernel of hope that someday a lightbulb will go off for him, but I don't expect it.  I've got to build a life for myself without him in it. 

As hard as it is, I'm grateful that my pain led me to this site, because I'm putting a lot of pieces together.  One thing I don't want to do anymore is to expose myself to unnecessary suffering because of foolish choices driven by old wounds.

Gail

[Plucky]

It's so sad because we could have had a good life together

Yes you could have!  If only he hadn't been so lying, so selfish, so devoid of empathy, so insincere, so callous, it could have been great!

If you respect the Dalai Lama, his opinion of what makes a person enlightened (and happy) is empathy. 
a rushed
Plucky

[David P]

'Enlightened' is one of those words which is open to much personal interpretation. The Buddhists love this stuff as do all the New Agers and the pseudos. I love the popular Buddhist reasoning that says something like."We need to dismantle the Self before we can walk through the gates of  Enlightenment.". So if we are successful in dismantling thje Self, then what or who is left to walk though the Gates?? Go figure ?!! Another irrational idea from the Enlightened?.
Gail, I think that your XBF was just as irrational in his self-description. Maybe he meant that he saw himself as cautiously wise and therefor of superior judgement to the rest of us? Or maybe he was just scared to allow others to come close. Or maybe he was just a big scared Wuss underneath it all.

Sematics are such fun.

DP in TX.

[Marta]

Gail,

I find that birth order also has something to do with how you deal with N parents. Is your x BF the eldest child by any chance? There is so much crap going on in name of enlightenment, that is almost sounds like an excuse for whatever goes.

Plucky, completely irrelevant comment to this thread, but I can't resist. I find it hard to respect Dalai Lama because of his failure to take a stand on the issues of our times, like the Iraq war. He was neither left nor right, but what he said was, time will tell! A cop out. Also failed to condemn India's nuke tests -- none of our businesss, he said. At the same time, he has freely condemned homosexuality, and said that whoever criticizes their abbot (priest whatever) will have a rebirth in the hell realm-- this in face of rampant spiritual abuse in Buddhism. I do not feel that he is a spiritual leader, but a follower. Sorry if my comments offended anyone, just my own 2 cents.

I do however remember what he said about forgiveness on a PBS interview I watched. Forgiveness, according to him, is giving up the desire for revenge, that is the best we can do, he said. That I liked.

 

[Gingerpeach]

Gail and Marta,

With regard to children of an N parent or parents:  given societal gender roles of aggressive for boys and passive for girls, it is more likely that boys will become Ns and girls those willing to put up with them.  As the gender roles become more blurred, we will probably be seeing more Nwomen and more men as Nvicitims.

David P.,  I agree with you about the whole "enlightened" thing.  My exNH and his entourage were partial to the term "self-actualized."  The thought of him being self-actualized is pretty funny as one of the characteristics of self-actualized persons is that they "own" their behavior.  He is so far into his image of himself that he can't even see his own behavior !!   Well, let me put it this way.... he only sees the behavior that agrees with the image, the rest just miraculously disappears.  "Self-actualized," my foot !!

[Gail]

Hello to all,

From David: Maybe he meant that he saw himself as cautiously wise and therefor of superior judgement to the rest of us?

Yes, that is exactly how he sees himself.  Almost his exact words.

No, X BF is not the eldest, but I am.

I've been having nightmares again about N parent.  I had one really bad one when I was little.  I've got to get it off my chest.  It's wierd that I still remember it because I think I was about 4 when I had it.  I dreampt that I was tied up in a wooden chair by a bad man (not anyone I knew).  The chair was placed in front of the house we lived in at the time.  The man set me on fire.  My mother was walking around the block while this was going on.  Every time she passed me by, I would beg her to help me, but she ignored me.    

A horrible, horrible dream.  I was terrified because of my situation and grief stricken that my mother ignored me.

I can't put my finger on anything she did to me that was bad enough to trigger this kind of dream.  (And my father was not abusive.)  

It's hard because we have a good relationship now and she has been very supportive, considering her basic personality, for a number of years.   I'm just trying to put all the pieces together.

[Plucky]

Hi Gail,
this dream sounds more like your mother did not protect you against something, rather than she did it herself.  I guess it could be a thing, idea, or other noun rather than a person (bad man), as it is portrayed in your dream.
I know nothing about interpreting dreams.  There is a dream thread.
Plucky