You are all so nice... this board has helped me with so much. I like being able to come here and find understanding. I will be lost in my own little world feeling lost and floundering, yet here there are people who have been through what I have been through and that helps so much.
NPDdad wrote: You were controlled and manipulated by someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally.
That is so true, I just don't get how it works. It was like being under a spell in some ways, because now I cannot see anything even likeable in him.
Wow! I think it's great that you got out after only 9 months!
Well, I was "lucky" in a way that he had an episode of true narcissistic rage that risked the life of my youngest daughter (we were taking her to hospital when she had passed out after banging her head on the sofa, when he desided to stop off at a DIY store - then had a temper tantrum and left us all in the middle of nowhere.) This woke me up so fast that I knew I had to get away. It still took a few months after that to actually get him to stop harassing me. Even last week he sent me flowers when he heard I was ill.
I think you are heroic. Naming shame is an awesomely powerful thing to do. When you can NAME your feeling "shame"...it begins to lose its power. Because it's not a feeling we should ever linger in. I remember someone on TV saying something that hit me like a ton of bricks:
"Guilt" is a normal appropriate human feeling that simply means, "I have made a mistake, so now I want to do what I can to amend it."
(Toxic) "Shame" is a feeling: "I am the mistake."
I also was debased in a relationships with Ns. I am sure there are moments like that, sexual and otherwise, in so many, many recovering people's lives. But that's the thing...you are seeing it (even if in hindsight) and you are naming it for what it was, so you are RECOVERING.
Your baby is a lucky angel, because you will know how to teach your child what is whole and what love is. Because you've come to have insight about what it is not. (Like so many of us.) Doesn't matter that you learned it the hard way. Doesn't matter at all. Only that you did.
There is NO shame in having done what felt automated. How about a dawning sense of glowing self-esteem that you're not on autopilot any more? I hope that comes, grows solid, and anchors in your every cell.
Hopalong
Thank you for that post Hopalong. It made so much sense to me. It is so good for me all this - it is giving me perspective. I seem to lose perspective so easily when I am alone. My son is so special to me, I am fighting through the courts to minimise contact with my ex. So far he has seen him for 3 1/2 hours in his whole life. He has been offered more at a contact centre, but in direct breach of the court order is trying to make me go to mediation so he can try and make me let him have contact somewhere else. (He is above a contact centre, don't you know?
)
Cadbury,
give yourself a break. ......
But try to behave towards yourself as you would to someone else, someone you cared about. Would you want that friend to feel ashamed and guilty? Would you blame her? Would you blame me, if I came up here and said I received horrible treatment from someone and it took a few months for me to get out? Would you write back, it's your own fault! You should have known! Now you're sullied for life! Or whatever other messages you're lobbing at yourself.
Thanks Plucky! I can see it when it's someone else, I really can. I don't know why it seems so difficult when it is myself. I suppose in some way I blame myself, whereas I can see that is pointless and unnecessary when it is someone else. I really should give myself a break.
I hope the baby is doing well and you're able to get some sleep.
Thank you Brigid. My son (yes it was a boy!) is wonderful. He is still not a good sleeper at all, and I haven't had much sleep for 5 months, but he is such a darling I forgive him.
I suppose I should never forget that the biggest driving force with my ex was power, everything was about power and control with him. I know that after being with him I will be far more demanding of a future partner in the sense that they will have some big personality tests to pass before I let them in to my life!
Cadbury,
You had to go through awful things. Please do not be ashamed to write about your experiences; probably most of us on this board have been in situations where we let ourselves be humiliated by others in one fashion or another. It is a good thing that you are able to open up and write about all this that we would not talk face to face with our friends. I thnk it really helps to be NOT overwhelmed by that shame. My heart goes out to you for having been subjected to all this.
Hugs and love to you, Marta
It did help to write a little about it all. The fact that none of you were disgusted by
me made me feel a little better. It was also good to finally admit some of what went on. A lot of my friends just think he was an idiot that I finally gt fed up with. The don't know what NPD can be like at all.
It's so hard to deal with the reality of the situation once you come out of the trance. You wonder who that person was with that man because in hindsight, it didn't feel like you at all- just a lost soul needing to be loved...
Wow Selkie - that is so right. It was like a trance, and I really don't recognise myself in it... thank you for understanding (that goes for all of you btw
)
A wonder of nature.
Not just you and the father...but the whole of creation. We are all part of your miracle.
Whatever happened, your baby was meant to be, and has its place here.
Thank you write, I truly feel blessed by my son, whatever that means for the future and having to deal with his father. I do believe that everything has its place in a bigger plan and that is very comforting.
Sallying Forth - Thank you for those links and books. I will do some reading. I am glad that I sawwhat he is before my son was even born.
Hugs to all of you and thank you so much for your understanding. I still feel ashamed, but I can keep working on that. You have all helped give me some perspective on everything, so thank you.
Another thing is I feel as though I should apologise to some of the people i wasn't myself with and treated badly. I don't know if this would be more for myself than them. I have made it up with them, but this was mostly because they all came back when my ex left. Would it help if I wrote to them and explained how I was feeling and what was happening? I just feel that I owe them some explanation. What do you think? Would it just open old wounds?
Thanks again
