Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Facing the monster
Sela:
Dear Cadbury:
Hang on tight to your dignity. Hold your head up and go in there knowing that he is simply manipulating (or trying to) to look "good" (for the court). Saturday will be over soon.
I will pray that the judge has common sense enough to ask himself why this "father" hasn't bothered to take advantage of visiting his child before now??? and to recognize how "bad through and through" he really is.
The court must be paying some attention or they would not have ordered the "contact centre" visits. No doubt he will come up with excuses but they will only go so far for any sensible, mindful judge. After that.......his real colours will be obvious and his rights will be limited or terminated (without the need of rabid dogs :D).
Sela
October:
--- Quote from: Cadbury on October 26, 2005, 09:53:34 AM ---Well, contact will be happening on Saturday at 1pm. I am scared, but I know it will have to happen sooner or later so best get it over with.
October : the contact was ordained by a judge in July. I have been on Standby on a Saturday afternoon ever since. This is just the first time he has taken it up. It is crappy, but what can I do? I wish I could say no, that is what all my instincts want to do, but I can't. :( Thank you for the idea though :)
--- End quote ---
I support your decision fully, of course. Just make sure you don't get steamrollered like this too many times. It is not good. He is pulling your strings. I would try to establish some boundaries to this kind of thing. You cannot possibly sit each week wondering whether or not he is going to turn up. Perhaps you could ask the judge about the 2 weeks notice thing, given how many times you have been let down?
I am taking my daughter to see her father on Saturday too (yes, he is still alive). :( Too drained to write too much about it, but I will be thinking of you.
mia:
Cadbury
So sorry to hear your pain.
I have found that it's best for all involved to act as phony as the N when placed in close proximity.
The visit will be over before you know it.
You're a good Mom and I have faith that your child will be fine.
Best wishes.
Mia
mum:
Cadbury, don't be afraid. Your baby will not suddenly bond with this Nidiot stranger. Your baby will not be hurt by this in any way.
Since this is at the contact center (I assume) then you will not be leaving your child unsupervised with this moron.
I know the fear, but you are far more of a force than this GNAT of a "man".
(on the side, can't you get an order for NO CONTACT with this guy because he pulled that horrifying stunt with the police?...just a thought.)
In the meantime....take all the advice here....it's all good. Act cool, professional ( YOU are the parent, not him) and in control. Won't be hard to do, as you are all these things, and he is not). Phony works....dignified works....
remember, all is well, you are a wonderful mom!
And imagine ALL of US with you, right behind you....angel wings....(really pissed off angels, with tons of power) Thats what you have with you.
vunil:
I have not been in this situation, but friends of mine who have say that the key is to make it tough for the N person to see the kid without making clear that you are setting the boundaries. In other words, make him make an effort without any payoff, keeping in mind that he gets lot of payoff from "winning" games he makes up in his head. If you seem to be telling him what to do, he may like to rebel against you and get N supply from that.
This has worked for folks I know-- they use the courts or "circumstance" or whatever to make the N work hard to see the kids. They also make sure the kids are not at their angelic best for the visit-- this is easy to do (I realize now, as a parent!) by scheduling-- all kids have fussy times of the day. In other words, emphasize the hard part of parenting, not the fun part. He will run away faster than you can say "selfish bastard." Parenting probably seems glamourous to him (and he probably REALLY likes making you mad/winning over you and trying to look good to authorities). Instead of blatantly fighting him, try joining him in the parenting, complete with diaper changes (I forget the age of your child...), screaming tantrums, etc. Try to schedule his visits at really inconvenient times, like Saturday night around dinner time.
Just some covert ideas. He sounds awful. Can you document the ridiculous stuff he has done/does?
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