Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Facing the monster
Cadbury:
It is so nice to be somewherre where everyone sees through him and understands what being with an N is like. My friends try, but they can't seem to grasp the fact that he doesn't react as a "normal" person does to any situation. My mother still takes all his vicious little acts personally and gets so upset and annoyed by his behaviour. She cannot believe he can do something totally cold and callous and then carry on as if nothing has happened. She doesn't understand that it isn't personal to him, he moves on so easily because there is nothing behind any of his actions. No emotion at all.
Thank you for all your words of support. Mudpuppy - you made me laugh again!! Hopalong - I tried so hard to keep polite distance and it wasn't too bad. He was acting as though we were together again and trying to create that special bond that he generated for our relationship. HE asked me if I had felt anything last Saturday around 12. When I said no, he gave me his "look" which means "you say that, but I know the truth". That look used to terrify me, now it makes me laugh.
October - I am glad you didn't go running to your ex, and even more glad that it was your daughter who made that decision. It means she isn't falling for his various manipulations. She is so strong for 12 and that is down to you. Be proud of that! :)
I keep going over the contact in my mind. Mostly analysing his behaviour to look for signs as to what he may be thinking. I have to laugh at a lot of it, it helps me cope. For instance he wore a suit and tie. Only an N would do that. We were sat in a church hall, with some dear old lady volunteers and some other families meeting children. He wore his best suit with a silk tie. A ate it. Why oh why would you do that? I *think* it is because I once said I liked him in his suit. So there you go... perfectly apt place to wear it, to see your 5 month old baby. Eating it was about all A thought was appropriate I think.
Lots of Nish things happened. I know all about him, all about his life at the moment. Everything he does or has done. How great he is. How hard he is finding life at the moment. He wrote his car off a few weeks ago apparently. blah blah blah. You will all be relieved to know that after watching me pull up at the kerb, my driving was deemed to have improved. Why thank you oh king of the road. How was it you crashed your car exactly sir? !!! :D :D
Then last night I received this email:
Thank you for today,
it was nice to see A.
I hope you didn't feel too awkward.
I'm glad you went to the houses of Parliament, must
have been quite a thrill, well done.
Hope the girls are doing well and S likes school.
I hope you don't think I was picking any negatives out
with A, I sometimes joke and people take it
serious, he has a lot of your enduring qualities, I
hope he doesn't have any of my bad habits.
I hope I didn't make you late for your mother, I
rather like your enthusiasm for shopping and buying
things, it's refreshing and bright.
Tithead
C was very interested.
Is it the most patronising thing you ever read? I note I have enduring qualities... not endearing, but enduring. If he wasn't so perfect I would have said he'd made a mistake ... :D My enthusiasm for shopping and buying things is "refreshing and bright"... not necessary and essential then?!!! Oh the joys of Nism!
That's all for now, but thank you all again for your responses, it means so much to have this sounding board. I don't feel half so insane! :)
mum:
Nice job, Cadbury. You have "endured" this N contact with good humor and your head held high. Yes, I agree, it's great to have a place to go where people understand the "N effect". Your children are very fortunate. You are a remarkable individual....and a great mom. Love to you.
(oh, and I love how his email "approves" of you :shock:....his way of being nice....poor guy, he just doesn't get it!!!!)
Cadbury:
Thanks Mum!
Well, I had to meet him for mediation yesterday... that was ...interesting. It was refreshing to see that he ios as muc ha tit with a stranger as he is with me. The mediator starts by writing some information about both of us on a flip chart as background. He starts with TH.
MEDIATOR: So TH, you are 39, unemployed and ... *Interupted*
TH: Well, I am a single parent, not unemployed, I don't like that term. I don't feel it applies to me. I don't like being labelled like that. So yes I am a single parent, not unemployed.
MEDIATOR: With respect, I do deal with single parents who do work, so it is just a description...
The whole meeting was like this. Not one answer TH gave was straightforward. He is such an idiot. I felt so sick even talking to him. We have another meeting in 4 weeks after we have had a little more contact. I hate the thought of it even, but I suppose A will want to know his father, even if I don't want it to happen. I am so utterly sick of him, I wish he would just go away. I know I've said that before, but God... I hate him.
Anyway thanks for listening again :)
mum:
What a moron, huh? It's pretty amazing to me, but they still get rights and still get to walk the earth, and as my second husband used to say: "it's not illegal to be an A**H***!" So true.
My ex did that same kind of double talk in mediation...
They really have no clue how they appear. They think they are smart, witty, wonderful, and if anyone thinks otherwise, well, then the N is just a "victim" of other bad people who are stupid and mean... Everything is twisted, nothing is straight.
But what I have decided, is that my children will be wonderful because of who their dad is....or despite it, I guess. Just like my trials and tribulations have led me to a better understanding of myself, so will the fact that they have an N father.
good to hear from you Cadbury. Keep hugging those kiddos!
Mum
SurviveAndGrow:
Cadbury,
You can do this! Think he is nobody (there is nobody inside himself). You're a good
mother. He is just a fake. Fake father, fake lover, fake everything.
I just want to push the idea of Vunil about diapers. My N hates diapers. But still she
needs to change them by herself. It might be one of the most terrible things for her. I
suspect that I can extrapolate and that it must be traumatizing for ANY N. Being a father, I
wasn't really excited about diapers before having my own children (I'm not excited
about them now ;-) It's just neutral :-) ). So, I guess your male N could be traumatized too.
If your child is thirsty, the N might be able to give a bottle and soothe the child.
If your child is tired, the N might be able to put him asleep.
Diapers... They need to do it. It is dirty. Hard to be proud of. They question
themselves afterwards...
Try to combine all of it maybe, this will give you some flexibility. If you son was
fussy and the N put him asleep and want to show that he is great you could just say
'Of course, he was ready to sleep.'
And keep the distant politeness (Great idea!). Your N will probably bring great gifts.
You do not care. If he dresses your child in cute little clothes, you do not care (you
can be proud and admirative of your beautiful child AFTERWARDS). Don't take
pictures of him if you can. Don't use your own camera. Don't promise to send
things afterwards. Don't engage if your N tries to bring old or new painful subjects
(you can say: ' No, I forgot.' if he tries to remind you of old stories. Or 'I don't
know' or 'I will see' or 'certainly not', etc...). If he says you're beautiful, you do
not care. If he says you're not (I am sure you are), you do not care. If he brings
you a present. Take it, put it aside (don't throw it, just put it aside).
If he says 'I would have done better if I had seen this child more', you could
say something like 'They are all the same'. If he asks you if your child is great,
better than others (more beautiful, quieter, stronger), etc... Just say 'No'. If
he insists 'He must be better'. Just say 'No' again. I know it is difficult for a
parent but in front of him, just remember that your child is soooo common.
You are not required to give more than the visit.
He is not allowed more than the visit.
He is probably more scared than you.
There is a limit in time.
About the E-mail he sent (I didn't read all the posts, I am not sure if you answered already)
vs 'How is our son?', 'Can you take picture of us?',... you could just answer 'I don't have
my camera' or 'Take your camera'. No need to answer the other questions...
If you think you made a 'mistake' during the visit. DO NOT WORRY. Take it as
something you learned. E.g. if you say that one of the toys is great, at the next
visit (if there is another one) if he brings the subject of the toy, just say 'Which
toy? Oh yes, I do not remember...'.
You will do great ! :-)
SurviveAndGrow.
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