Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Facing the monster
SurviveAndGrow:
Cadbury,
Sorry, I answered to an old post thinking it was new. I'm a newbie...
I was so glad to use some of our awful experiences to help somebody.
I read the things your N did during and after your meeting. It's so
similar to what my NMIL and one of my wife's friend would do.
Glad it went well and you are having fun with this assh.... in a suit.
SurviveAndGrow.
Cadbury:
Survive and Grow - your post was excellent thank you so much! I have more contact next week with N and I will definitely use a lot of your suggestions. I did quite a good job last time, but did find m,yself engaging a little. He is such a creep. The times when I am unprepared are the worst. For instance I leant over to pick up a toy A (my son) had dropped and ex N said "Oh, I can see you are still feeding him yourself". What a horrible thing to say! I felt so uncomfortable and just kind of stuttered at him. I couldn't think how to respond. If I had said that what he had said was inappropriate he would have gotten all over defensive and blamed me for taking it the wrong way. I suppose I should have just said "yes, I am" and ignored any of his suggestive comments.
I still don't know how to deal with his lies. He will say something that I know to be untrue and I am left wondering how to respond to blatent fantasy. He sent me an email saying that he had tried to pay some of the money he owes me into my bank account, but they wouldn't let him. Now, I know he wanted me to fawn at his feet for being so thoughtful, so caring... but I have just ignored him.
Also, he will come out with odd things at random times. We were in the middle of discussing contact with the mediator on Friday and he just suddenly turned to me and said (in his serious voice, because he is oh so important) "Can I ask Cadbury, *looks at mediator as if to show him that I am an idiot who needs help* is all of this because you don't want to share him? That you want A all to yourself?" I just looked at him and said "No". The mediator just ignored the comment entirely. What an odd thing to say though? What do you say to that? I wanted to say "No, it is because you are a convicted child abductor who goes utterly insane if anyone goes against your will" ,but I had DO NOT ENGAGE imprinted on my mental forehead... so I resisted.
I think what surprises me every time is how I cannot prepare myself fully, because he will come out with something so insane and unwarranted that you couldn't even have thought of it before hand. The only good side of this is that he doesn't realise he is nutty and so carries on regardless and I get to enjoy the looks of mild incredulity on people's faces. At which point I raise an eyebrow to say "see? I told ya!".
I have to look at a lot of it as amusing or I would go insane myself.
For example:
When asked how he saw the contact going over the next four weeks, how specifically he saw his time with A (his 5 month old son) he said:
"Well, I want to be there for him. I want to watch him grow, be involved with every aspect of his life. Tkae him swimming, play foot ball, take him to the park... everything"
The mediator repeated the question 3 more times before he actully got any semblence of an answer. I was smiling to myself as I knew he wasn't hiding his nuttiness and someone else would see how is really is.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on. If anyone has any (more!) advice on how to deal with the unexpected or inappropriate things then please give me some suggestions... thanks again :)
mum:
You are doing great, Cadbury. DO NOT ENGAGE on your forehead....perfect. The off the wall stuff IS intended to get you off the non engagement track. Keep on NOT responding. Can I just say, though: EEEEEEEWWWWWW on the slimy comment about you nursing!!!
WHAT A JERK!!! Remember, gratitude is what brings us to a higher level of consiousness.....so turn that ewww into being grateful that you are not married or still with such a toad!!!!! (like I have to tell you that!)
Plucky:
Cadbury, I agree, you are doing great. Keep it up. It sounds as if all you need to do is sit by whilst the N hangs himself on his own petard.
S&G, your post was masterful. I don't have a new baby or anything, but I printed it out for future reference just for the general tone.
Plucky
Cadbury:
Thanks again Mum and Plucky...
Just been bothered on YIM by him.... This is the conversation, do you think I was distant enough? I would really appreciate any opinions/advice:
TH: Hello Cadbury, how is our baby boy?
Cadbury: He's fine.
TH:: Good
TH:: I managed to get the video you sent me working, he's very keen
Cadbury: yes, he finally did a couple of moves today. Oh and he said Mumma
TH: Ahh
TH: What time are we meeting on Saturday? Did you find out anything else regarding *contact centre 1*?
Cadbury: I am going to*contact centre 1* with the forms tomorrow (needed an appointment). Saturday is 1 pm at *contact centre 2*
TH: Did I not have to send in a referral?
Cadbury:: Don't think so. I had to as I have parental responsibility at the moment. She will tell me tomorrow. You may need to send in the financial agreement.
TH:Okay, you will let me know then?
Cadbury: yes
TH: I have an exam tomorrow an *other son* is collecting his award for his GCSE in front of the school thursday evening
TH: just thought I'd let you know incase I'm not here
Cadbury:: ok
TH: Have dead rotting mice in loft
TH: next door poisoned the ones living in his loft and they legged it into mine to get away and dropped dead, so have a house that resembles lord of the flies
Cadbury: oh dear
TH: Big juicy blw flies too
TH:: I won't bother you anymore, so I'll say goodnight, does A like his bear? Can he hear my voice?
Cadbury:Hard to tell
TH: Well give him a kiss goodnight from me please, goodnight Cadbury, sleep well.
Cadbury: ok night
I know I did engage a couple of times, but really would appreciate any ideas on better ways to answer his crap.
Thanks again...
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